The worst insult is having your therapist say you should try stand up comedy

I have termite derangement syndrome

Im inventing a medication that makes you really sleepy but unable to sleep

if I had to assume, I would guess that there’s an ancient evil plotting against me

not proud to admit to crashing out on a another foreign call center worker

I actually hate being so chill and cool

evil deeds are being done

what if it was polycool and you were just chill

I leveled up and there’s no mexcan food in walking distance. fuck

we need a little more love and a little less hate in this house

dude please don’t trollface me man

Military aircraft have been getting a bit out of control here

guy whose body is like 30% used needles

I didn't come to grad school just to get my number banned on whatsapp

Call me a zombie the way you can kill me by shooting me in the head

It's time to become 30% more corporate

being 30 is a state of mind

clothes that dissolve in the shower

I make sure to have my roommates read these once and a while to confirm that they're mid af

There are geniuses at the daily mail

There’s so many spiders and bugs in my apartment. I really didn’t know what I was getting into I guess

sorry for being weird and evil

spraying alcohol into my eyes to help me wake up

they're putting me in the electric chair for chuckling at a chudjak

back to playing murder mystery visual novels. This is my happy place

ah great, just like real life

actually getting rejected from jobs really turns me on

the accounts with 100 followers 3.5 following type beats scare the shit out of me

You ever get like new jewelry and then struggle and feel retarded trying to put it on

They're shining a high powered laser through my window and blinding me

enjoying my little greenhouse box. photosynthesis.

can anyone spot me 30,000 dollars real quick

cheers, I'd love this potential employer to have my twitter handle

You have brought dishonor and shame to Humboldt County. Begone!

its fucked up how every bitch on the street is better looking and better dressed than me

Do not ship Lt Colombo into toxic yaoi

a bit heavy handed with the reposts today are we?

worlds smallest bladder award

bringing 5 aggressive crackheads to costco for no reason

I can’t even keep my local friend group together. so joever

my bf always picks the highest tip amount because his soul is untainted ❤️‍🩹

big fan of seeing bunnies at night

dude you might think its cool, but im a millionaire super cop and it fucking sucks

accidentally drank a bunch of evil poison

screaming and crying when the default audio track is english on my pirated anime

god it would really suck if I got a job offer. Id absolutely hate to be given something I could afford my apartment

being a human sized single cell organism isnt for the weak

I was force-fed coffee and then laughed at and mocked for farting

im evil and have a headache

someone has to be the gay retard