just checked my bank account balance and I think I’m going to treat my wife and I to some delicious pina coladas tonight

yesterday an American in our hotel lobby asked where we were from and we told him we were Canadian. he said he went to Canada once and thought it was funny that everything closed at 11pm. we said that’s not true. he said “yes it is” then he pushed a door that clearly said pull.

MY WIFE: *using her iPhone flashlight to make her way to the bathroom in the middle of the night* ME ALREADY ON THE TOILET:

went in for my post vasectomy sperm analysis and treated myself to one of their jizz pens

Canadian tariffs on Pancake Tuesday. ENJOY YOUR LAST TASTE OF ACTUAL GOOD SYRUP AMERICA

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Papa Roach is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Papa Roach."

excited to announce that people screaming at full volume when the plane hits mild turbulence is up 10000%

every time Elon talks it sounds like he’s about to fall down a flight of stairs

me when society collapses and people that followed me on social media are still waiting for me to talk about dropping huge loads in a Costco dairy fridge

guy at TSA was trying to find his ID to get through security and then sighed and said "sorry all I have is a passport does that work?" and an old man asked if he was “OK”

honestly every single time I see a snow man I’m like “is that Parson FUCKIN Brown?”

there’s a couple sides of my cheese grater that I refuse to use because they’re “too scary”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve committed a major crime and thought “this calls for a McDouble in Pennsylvania”

a lot of audiences are now expecting comedians to do crowd work so a thing I’ve been doing is I’ll ask a guy his name and what he does and then immediately move on to a completely unrelated pre-written joke. I call it “edging the incels”

whoops I turned on the Santa tracker too early and I just saw him enter an adult book store in Saskatchewan

I’m at an age where I really appreciate a nice extension cord

my favorite part about visiting my hometown is being told how much “LA is a shithole” from a guy that’s never been more than 2 blocks away from his parents his entire life

every Thanksgiving my family gathers around the table and tells the story about how one time we were at a cabin and my Dad farted so hard a book fell off a shelf on the other side of the room

wow this games not as I remember it

imagine being the wicked witch of an ENTIRE direction

ME WATCHING THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW 7 WINES DEEP EATING ICE CREAM OUT OF A MUG: “…they’re proofing it too long”

walking into the Costco tire center feels like a church that worships a rubber god

I love when the weather gets colder and my hands immediately turn into a bouquet of dried up lizard dicks

did you know if you put pajamas on a Costco rotisserie chicken it’ll come back to life and walk around your kitchen

ever try eating popcorn with the other hand it feels CRAZY

when you drink 9 IPAs and then go bowling

LA is a great city to live in if you want to live 20-30 minutes away from friends you see once a year

we are in the era of weird people winning things

MOM: how’s your little comedy going ME: good MOM: are you still making little internet videos ME: yes MOM: that’s nice ME: MOM: ME: MOM: your big box of Star Wars stuff in the garage got wet.

why is 55° in LA colder than anything I've ever experienced in the dead of winter in Canada

can I still talk about cum, piss, and Costco on this one?

“How did you guys meet?” MY WIFE: “I saw him at a karaoke bar and he was singing One Week by the Barenaked Ladies and he wasn’t even looking at the lyrics”

wow the covids out here are gettin huge

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”