My most obscure public opinion is that we need more drinking fountains.

This is how brothers Murphy and Milo share one brain cell.

Headed off to protest with my aunt and uncle up from Florida. Be safe, everyone if you're going!

Me, watching the chat during a mandatory meeting that has nothing whatsoever to do with my work: What a giant collection of ass-kissers.

Anyone celebrating Boss' Day who's not a boss should be immediately fired. They're already profiting from your work, and have no loyalty to you whatsoever. Don't celebrate that.

Broke a bowl. How many years of bad luck is that?

The year is 2047. The country is in shambles. And yet, the huge "The Secret to NO LUMPS" video is still the main thing on the @lifehacker.com front page.

Someday I'm going to be rich enough to ride the bus. You'll see.

I want to double the salary of the adviser to Cuomo who suggested coming out swinging at "mansion boy" (?) Mamdani working hard for all those rich fat cats. That is absolutely the tack to take for this, um, man of the people.

I never wanted to have to think about whether RFK Jr. was circumcised or not. That is information that only he and Olivia Nuzzi should know.

While I was developing inside my mother's placenta, I was thinking to myself "this is not my beautiful house. Well... how did I get here?"

I wonder if that lady in custody made some smartass remark like "my ex boyfriend is a founder of Antifa" and they took her entirely seriously like "boys, we caught a WHALE!" and now she's just going to keep stringing them along with bullshit for weeks until they catch on.

Curious if there has ever been a single human being on earth who, 3 months after being forced to return to an office, has said "wow, this was such a good change, I'm glad they made me do this!" I'm guessing no.

Had my rear window implode on my way to work this morning, which is YET ANOTHER reason that return to work sucks ass. This would not have happened had I just worked from home.

I'm enjoying the thought of Jared Leto preparing for his Tron role by building a giant computer and living in it for a year.

Whenever I visit a new city, I imagine living there, and usually fall in love with many aspects of it. No relation to TX national guard rolling into Chicago, of course. Choke on a hot dog, fuckfaces.

Bluesky is better overall for my mental health, but is also a place where I'm not going to get tweeted at by Nancy Wilson or John Popper, so it has it's pros and cons.

If I'm ever interacting with you, and you're wearing glasses with a camera in them, I'm going to pull those glasses off you and toss them in the nearest body of water. It's more than you deserve.

Won't somebody please think of the goons?

Gonna donate money to whoever doesn’t ask Chuck fucking Schumer to text me for money.

You bought something from us, why haven’t you responded to our 17 emails asking you to give us feedback?

We haven't had company over for a while, so the list of things to do to get ready for company is pretty long. But getting smaller.

Your new password must contain: * An insult in the Romulan language (slang okay) * An indigenous land animal on the planet Hoth * A Spider-Man nemesis * The first name of one of Batman's adopted children * The name of a Dothraki Khal

Explaining to my autistic cat that it's probably because her mom took Tylenol while she was pregnant. I don't think she believes me, though. Wait til she sees the STUDY.

Do we know if tomorrow's rapture will be early, like do I need to go into the office? Because if I have to get dressed up and make that commute, it's really going to put a damper on my overall rapture experience.

It's a good thing cocaine is so cheap, since no one can afford groceries any more.

Not so recently, they threatened us with taco trucks on every corner. But instead we ended up with ICE trucks on every corner, trying to illegally rendition the taco truck owners.

Going to the office today solely because I'm meeting some friends for lunch.

It should be noted that @martinkulldorff.bsky.social - RFK Jr's sockpuppet head of ACIP, is a giant piece of shit and is going to be directly responsible for killing thousands of kids. He is complicit. Name him and shame him.

I sent a probably too-angry email to ABC, but it was not nearly tapping the reserves of my anger that roil deep inside me. You should too. support.abc.com/hc/requests/...

Pretty disappointed in our slide to a totalitarian fascist regime with eager help from every checker and balancer designed expressly to stop this from happening. Fuck you all, I hope you all live miserable lives and maybe eventually rot in prison.

I'm enjoying every mention of something RFK Jr. wants being subtitled "Experts say it's a bad idea." When everything you want to do is a bad idea, as judged by the experts, you have no business whatsoever doing that job.

I like telling my clients "sorry I couldn't do that thing you wanted done right away, I was commuting to the office for RTO requirements" and eventually they will complain to my manager, right? You want me to waste an hour every day in my car, then you get what you get.

I read this morning that Satish Tripathi, president of UB, is stepping down after 15 years. 15 years ago, I sat next to him on a plane to Buffalo, where he was flying because he'd just been hired as president of UB, and we talked about his new job for a bit and I wished him luck. Time flies.

Doing the risky move and updating both my phone and my ipad to ios26 at the same time. Hope I like it!

How I feel living in NY these days.

I've just finished watching the entire series of Grey's Anatomy, so if any of you aren't feeling well, I am pretty sure I could do a lap chole or an appy, at least. Maybe even an ex-lap if I really focused. Or maybe you just need me to walk in on you having sex in the on-call room.

Submitted my online passport renewal application on the 8th, and it arrived in the mail today, 1 week later. I got just regular processing. That's impressive service.

If her comments make you angry, then you are exactly the intended recipient of this advice and should take it and apply it in your every day life, because you're currently quite a large shithead.

The whole family went out and got covid and flu boosters while we could. We had to do a bit of medical lying, but whatever.

I enjoyed seeing so many people out on the streets for No Kirks, oops I mean No Kings.

Bought everything for my new Plex server today, so I know wat I'm doing over the next few weeks I guess.

I barely knew anything about Charlie Kirk, but it occurs to me that if you spend your life fomenting violence against people you don't like, you cannot be surprised when violence is fomented.

In future-set movies, they all have clear glass devices with no case protectors on them. Yet you never see one all smashed up with someone still trying to use it, because it would cost $4,000 to replace it after they dropped it getting out of their hovercar.

Why does a centaur have 4 horse legs and only 2 human arms? Shouldn't there be 2 human legs just flopping around in front of everything like some sort of unholy abomination? Or, just 2 horse legs, and the centaur has to constantly try to stay upright.

In the interest of streamlining things, we have consolidated our government into a single branch. Checks and balances have been removed from the process, as it was just slowing everything down and preventing the cool stuff from happening.

Why is the answer to "where do I know this British actor from?" always Game of Thrones?

Closing the pool this week, in case any of you had plans beyond that.

[the most afraid pieces of shit you know] We're establishing the Department of Kicking Ass!

Had to waste 90 minutes going downtown to badge in to meet my RTO requirements and come back home, and had a bunch of "hot" work to do when I returned. If I didn't have RTO, everyone would not have been clamoring for me.