Goldblum voice: Poop, uhh, smells stinky

I have covid again and my head is so filled with boogers it feels like it’s gonna fucking explode. Also I have toothache in every tooth? Wahoo

When you see someone playing Mario Kart as Mario it’s like what’s your fucking deal man. Do you think you’re the main guy

Sorry I can’t do anything today I just found out my walls are full of electricity

People saying Tim Pool donating $250k to Musk is the craziest bootlicking he’s ever done but they’re forgetting about this

Joker voice: im like a dog driving a car

PSA that it’s no longer dangerous to deep fry your frozen turkey they fixed that whole thing you can do that now actually and it’s fine

Getting that haircut guys get when they start watching Peaky Blinders for the first time

Me as an esports announcer: wow, player two just got absolutely owned. player one is owning. My cohost: searing analysis. Anyway- Me: (cutting him off) player one is owning, but he has been owned before. He has even been pwned on two different occasions

My favourite part of building a new Spotify playlist is choosing a Viper album cover to use as the art

Erm hush sweetie that’s a bong not a Michael phone

Your boyfriend looks like he doesn’t preheat the oven. He thinks he can caramelise onions in 15 minutes

Things people like about me: my hubris

Whenever I’m reading the news about the new grim scenario of the day and start scrolling the comments I’m more and more convinced we’re not supposed to be talking to eachother this much. It was right to destroy the Tower of Babel

Automatic reply when you try to text me: Sorry, I’m currently unavailable as I am dealing with a treacherous djinn

You should be watching Shiey and Gifgas on YouTube. They make trainhopping and urban exploration videos around Eastern Europe with incredible cinematography and they’re ad-free which is super admirable. Shiey’s Chernobyl videos are feature length, ad-free masterpieces. youtu.be/S_NsueHWrfw?...

How I sit waiting for you to realise you’ve been poisoned

In ancient times they would chase bison off cliffs and the beasts would fall directly onto the plates of hungry diners waiting below

There’s not enough ads on this platform so I’m gonna do a plug for chips right now. Eat chips they’re crunchy and tasty and salty you should buy some chips today

I kinda want to get a camping chair and post up in front of those “man scented” soaps that are like bacon or whiskey and lawn clippings scented and just watch who buys them

If men menstruated you would be able to get pads with like NASCAR patterns on them or just a picture of Vin Diesel holding one doing a thumbs up on the package

Just found out that the racing events often shown in the Fast and Furious franchise are canonically called Race Wars

I live my life a box of chocolates at a time - The Fast and the Forrest

Search engine for babies called GooGoo

Ron DeSantis waddling out on stage squashed to just inch tall with his shoes sticking out to either side after an anvil gets dropped on him right before his appearance

DeSantis doesn’t seem like a real person at all. It’s like he wandered out of an old Looney Tunes cartoon. His campaign appearances are marred by frequent clashes with an anthropomorphic road runner

It would be so scary if some zookeepers were beating you up and you heard one of them say “let’s do the same stuff we do to the monkeys to this guy”

Got a new job

I can’t help you with that sorry, you’ll have to talk to the Head Honcho. I’m just a junior assistant honcho

It would be so scary if some zookeepers were beating you up and you heard one of them say “let’s do the same stuff we do to the monkeys to this guy”

One cool thing about Rimworld I discovered is that if you enslave someone with the masochist trait they get positive moodlets from wearing chains

I wasn’t paying attention to notifications on Rimworld last night and had a colonist die to a squirrel attack. She stomped it to death and went to lie down in the medical bay and I left her to it and she fucking bled out. From a squirrel bite

Taking a break from HC WoW after my first death and got back into Rimworld after not touching it for years. Utterly consumed already such a cool game

Meal bags are a massive ripoff I just looked at an offer email from one place for the first time and it’s 3 meals for 2 people for $119 lol. We did one for a month or so during the first lockdowns and they would always be running out of stuff and substituting it with things that weren’t equivalent

No scope corn shot (ban this sick filth)

My current prized possession is a four foot tall mound of compost i got from saving all the garden waste and lawn clippings for a year and leaving it in a pair of garden waste bags to sit and decompose. It’s super rich and soft and warm and filled with worms and I couldn’t be happier with the result

Sending a beef wellington to a woman’s table instead of buying her a drink

My favourite holiday is Chrisween it starts in September and runs until the end of the year

It’s fucking October why do shopping centres have Christmas decorations up for sale next to Halloween decorations

I gave up chilling for Lent

I ❤️ rent increase notices

Saying “proceed” when someone says “can I ask you a question?” is a powerful feeling

Waking up buried alive in a casket and you feel a box of matches in your pocket. You strike the only match in the box and for a few moments before it gutters out you see this image glued to the inside of the lid

Me; you know what they call Mr Bean in Paris? My buddy: They don’t call him Mr Bean? Me: No man. They call him Monsieur Bean. My buddy: [chuckling] Monsieur Bean..

Mikey Miles Cheong

Boxing should be more like rock em sock em robots. Just two guys furiously punching eachother until one guys head comes off

Im a Pescitarian. I only eat Joe Pesci