Schrödinger’s peace plan

Elizabeth, Tell your pussy I said pspsps. Darcy

(spreading open a romance novel) this could be our last night on Earth

There’s more than one way to open the Strait of Hormuz

Elizabeth, Call me the Easter Bunny because I want to fill your eggs. Darcy

Elizabeth, I don’t want you to sit on my face tonight. April Fools’, Darcy

Shall I compare thee to 12 tons of KitKat? Thou are much easier to fit in my mouth. Thou are not as crispy, but just as sweet When I break you off by going down south.

Elizabeth, Are you 12 tons of KitKats? Because I would spend the rest of my life eating you. Darcy

Elizabeth, I go down harder than the stock market. Darcy

saying “I am Banksy” as I deface another Trump signed dollar bill

first draft of my next book done!

I would slip in one ship, then two. Savoring the Strait’s tight grip as I add a third. “You’re so wet,” I’ll rasp. “Whose Strait is this?” I’ll grip the coastline, notch into place, and send in my biggest ship. Pressing until the Strait begs me to spill. Then I’ll pull out and spurt oil on its face.

BREAKING: Sauron has fired Ugluk the Uruk-hai and replaced him with Sarumanwayne

You keep saying “obliterated.” I do not think it means what you think it means.

I can count the reasons AI shouldn’t be allowed to kill people on six fingers

“What do you think of the state of our union?” Mr Darcy grunted. Elizabeth Bennet looked at the power of his thrusts, the ease of her give. “Strong,” she moaned. “Deep.” “Is that applause?” Darcy pushed her legs back. “Or the clap of your cheeks?” And he plowed her like a street after a snowstorm.

May everyone who partied with Kash Patel lose their medal on the way home

(Inigo Montoya voice) I want my tariff money back, you son of a bitch

“Witness me!” yelled the germ as it dove onto the cocaine that RFK Jr snorted up his nose. The other germs cheered, “Witness!”

“We can both fit!” Rose cried. “It’s okay,” said Jack, shivering. “The Dow is over 50,000.”

GENTLEWOMAN: Lady Macbeth, why is blood on your hands? LADY MACBETH (completely gone): The Dow Jones is above 50,000. The S&P is high. All hail Trump!

America definitely deserves the gold medal in going downhill

How to write a book with A.I. 1. Don’t

what if you went to the Olympics to boo JD Vance and you were double booked in a hotel with someone who also came to boo JD Vance and there was only one bed and as you both booed him everywhere he went you fell in love FOR REAL???

a DREAMING OF YOU sequel where Derek Craven helps Sara Fielding investigate a corrupt billionaire who bought a newspaper and ruined its coverage and closed its books section

ICE should be closed for two years so it can be destroyed

wrong actor from Home Alone 2

It’s the First Amendment. The first one. I know they hate to read but it’s the first fucking one.

Elizabeth, Unlike MELANIA, I’ll be coming to your opening. Darcy

until “demoted” means “incarcerated” it’s not enough

“only criminals carry guns on our streets” ICE carry guns on our streets. arrest them all.

Every single person protesting in Minnesota has done more good today than the President has done his entire life.

I’ve updated my terms of service with America. The President has to resign before I’ll go on.

Elizabeth, You said no to my marriage proposal. But do we at least have the framework of a deal to do it in my carriage? The concept of a plan to do it in my carriage? Let me know. Darcy

we’re only the hottest country in the world in the hot potato sense, like everyone wants to drop us

Elizabeth, Are we people who want to fight American imperialism? Because we should come together. Darcy

he’s like a reverse Franz Ferdinand because it would prevent a world war, not start one

At zero dark thirty, the Nobel Prize slipped out of its case and spoke into its headset. “I’m in.” The voice on the other line said, “You know the mission.” “For God and country,” the Nobel Prize said, and it crept down the hall.

If you bomb the Louvre until an employee gives you the Mona Lisa so you can make them the new head of the Louvre, that doesn’t mean you painted the Mona Lisa.

(sitting down for coffee with an ICE agent) will you drink the coffee in front of you, or in front of me? the game has begun

want to write a sentient object romance about hockey equipment called Tonight I’m Puckin’ You

what if an assassin went undercover on a hockey team and fell in love with a player and it was called Marry, Puck, Kill

Every ICE officer let the murderer leave without arresting him. They’re not there to enforce laws. They’re there to terrorize.

Goodnight Trump

not religious but I hope there’s a hell for them

imagine calling ICE officers “people”

I’m not greedy, I just want one person in government to do a single fucking thing to try to stop him

it would be so funny if it happened today

My statement on January 6:

Dear God, If he dies this week, I will… (gulp) I will respect Elizabeth Bennet’s family. Darcy