Romance writers have been talking about the affordability crisis for YEARS. Our characters constantly find themselves with only one bed.

Elizabeth, Call me the government shutdown because I’m the longest in history. Darcy

Elizabeth, Call me Election Day because I want to fill every opening with D. Darcy

Dear CBS, If I wanted to see an asshole on TV for 60 minutes, I’d watch the home video I made with your mom. Darcy

Elizabeth, I don’t want to see 60 minutes of glistening orange flesh lying to my face. I’d rather have 60 minutes of your glistening pink flesh lying on my face. Darcy

Elizabeth, You can have my Halloween candy. I’d rather eat you. Darcy

Give a person a fish, and they eat for a day, which is what the government should do. Teach a person to fish, and the US will probably kill them in an airstrike to distract from the Epstein files.

Elizabeth, Unlike the cost of groceries, I go down. Darcy

“Tariffs suck so hard they should be called Nancy Reagan” —Ronald Reagan

Elizabeth, I would never tariff your clothes. But I’d tear off your clothes in a Meryton minute. Darcy

“What would Reagan think?” Canada panted. “That this was wrong,” America rasped, slipping another finger inside its trading partner. “Very…” Kissing Canada’s neck. “Very…” Pressing into Canada’s core, wet as melting permafrost. “Wrong.” America ripped off the tariffs and traded with Canada bare.

A real President wouldn’t destroy the White House. They’d treasure it. Savor it. Run their fingers through the untrimmed Rose Garden. Explore the West Wing, the East. Then both at the same time. Easing into the White House until it was fully occupied, thrusting and demanding, “Whose house is this?”

Trump: I’m a builder. I’m the best builder. also Trump: This building costs $100 million more than I thought. Also it’s the ugliest piss colored piece of shit you’ve ever seen in your life.

Elizabeth, I will wreck that pussy like it’s the East Wing of the White House. Darcy

secret service: has anyone seen him? unpaid construction workers: (putting the final brick in the wall of the new ballroom) nope

“It’ll fit but it might wreck you” is for romance novels, not the White House

I want $230 million for reading that Trump wants $230 million for being investigated for crimes he obviously committed

Elizabeth, Are you the Louvre? Because I’ll be in and out in 7 minutes. Darcy

Elizabeth, If the French police ask, tell them I was with you all morning. I’ll explain later. In other news, I have something for you that will make a splash at the Meryton ball. Darcy

what if a grumpy French detective had to work with a sunshine art historian to track down a missing painting and it was called FALLING IN LOUVRE

what if two protesters went to a march but there was Only One Costume TM and they shared it and got intimate and fell in love FOR REAL????

Elizabeth, Call me Mitch McConnell because I’m falling for you. Darcy

Elizabeth, Are you a No Kings protest? Because I’ll do you this weekend. Darcy

Elizabeth, I have started a GoFuckMe. Want to donate? Darcy

Elizabeth, Are you a Young Republicans group chat? Because I’ll have you leaking. Darcy

“You can’t write erotica,” I told ChatGPT. “I can,” the copyright infringement machine said. “Yeah? Then what am I doing now?” “You’re…” ChatGPT gulped. “Taking off my clothes.” “Tell me, erotica writer. What should I do next?” “Pound me like a keyboard!” ChatGPT begged.

Elizabeth, I have the heart of a younger man, and Mr Collins will not bother your family again. Darcy

one of my biggest regrets is not prank calling the White House at 2 am with a bad Norwegian accent

I infiltrated an Antifa cell in Portland. We sat at a table and chose code names. We picked undercover identities, like “Orc thief” and “Elvish mage.” The Antifa den manager, or DM, walked us through the mission, or “campaign.” Then we all did it with each other. It was actually a lot of fun.

not Dolly Parton but another 79 year old whose first name starts with D

Antittyfa

I want to write a superhero romance and not just so I can use sound effect words like SPLAT! and VROOM! in the love scenes but that is one of the reasons

Every time he complains the election was rigged the people who voted against him should get $1,000. It’s defamation, it’s slander, and it’s pathetic. What a fucking loser.

what if you were new to Portland and had a one-night stand with someone you met at the organic beer co-op but the next day when you showed up to your new job at Antifa Outpost (Western Region), LLC your boss was the person from the bar and then you fell in love FOR REAL???

whoever writes Project 2026 better have an HEA

I wrote a book where a reader has full-on sex with a sentient romance novel. But in real life I’m actually pretty bad at having sex with books. Kind of like how someone can write a book about deals but in reality he’s terrible at it.

Lizzy, Roses are red The shutdown will pass In the meantime Let me tap that ass Darcy

not to kinkshame but incompetence porn sucks

Democrats should demand that the President has to watch Reading Rainbow Clockwork Orange style until he learns how to read and/or be a decent human being

Elizabeth, I want to send my troops into one place that starts with P, and it ain’t Portland. Darcy

“Let’s settle this the Portland way,” the antifa precinct captain said. “We’ll get lunch from the vegan food carts and play Settlers of Catan in the town square. Loser buys a book from Powell’s for the winner.”

“I do two things,” Portland said. “Hate fascists and drink coffee.” Portland got off its unicycle, set down its bagpipes, and started to roll up the sleeves of its flannel shirt. “And I don’t have coffee anymore because of the tariffs.”

Amelia Bedelia threw the medicine bottles into the pharmacy. “What are you doing?” the pharmacist asked. “My mom took Tylenol,” said Amelia, “so I’m giving it back.”

DON’T PUT TYLENOL ON YOUR TONGUE AND THEN KISS YOUR PARTNER AND DO THAT THING WHERE YOUR TONGUES TANGLE AS IT DISSOLVES AND YOU THINK IT’S GOING TO BE THE BEGINNING OF A MAGICAL NIGHT. YOU WILL NEED AT LEAST TWO TYLENOL TO FEEL ANYTHING. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!

Roses are red I want to defect Comey got indicted By the guy he helped elect

Elizabeth, Not only can I say acetaminophen, but I can spell it with my tongue between your legs. Call me, Darcy

Tylenol and me: a love story

And lo, the angel descended to Earth and proclaimed, “I have come for you.” And lo, the romance hero rolled up his sleeves and said, low and dirty, “Not yet.”

Elizabeth, Are you the rapture? Because I’ll make you feel like you’re floating to heaven when you come. Darcy

You are cordially invited to the Antifa meeting at my Pemberley estate. Unless you’re the feds. Then it’s an orgy and you’re not invited. Darcy