Elizabeth, Are you Homer’s The Odyssey? Because you’ll come from a strong oral tradition. Darcy

Elizabeth, Are you Lindsey Graham? Because I want to fill your seat. Darcy

Elizabeth, Call me lettuce the way I will rearrange your guts. Darcy

Elizabeth, You’re a good girl, but I want to corrupt you like FIFA. Darcy

there’s more people on top of the Empire State Building than at the Great American State Fair

A Where’s Waldo? fair had higher attendance than the Great American State Fair and I love that for books.

Fun fact: more people have come in my books than have come to the Great American State Fair

“I’ll make you release the algae you didn’t know you were holding,” I groaned as I eased into the Reflecting Pool’s peeling folds.

“I have a slit,” said the Reflecting Pool. “And I have fingers,” I said, smoothing its wetness around the slippery folds of paint. Peeling them back, and probing deeper. “And a tongue?” the pool panted. “And a tongue.” And then I snorkeled all up in that slit.

Elizabeth, I will make you Versailles. I will make you Vermoan. I will make you Vercomeonthiscock. Darcy

Elizabeth, A night with me is like the World Cup. You’ll score three times and leave me Messi. Darcy

Congratulations to all the people who years ago made a pact with a friend “if we’re both single when the Knicks win”

She’s a romance reader. It’s a hockey stick. Can one night of passion lead to love? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!

Elizabeth, I have enclosed one (1) sundress. Please let me know the location at which you would like to be railed, and I shall do so forthwith. Respectfully, Darcy

I found Backrooms in my basement, too! I’m going to check it out.

What if a romance reader and a sentient hockey stick fell in love FOR REAL?? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!

if it happens during Pride, we are going to have the best parade

Elizabeth, I will put you through the mattress so hard they’ll feel it in Boston. Darcy

This year’s coldest club is Freedom 250. This place has nothing:

A #FridayFling excerpt from my sentient hockey stick romance. Yes, TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is a romance with a hockey stick

if Milli Vanilli won’t play your party, then girl you know you’re through

“I’m close,” the Blue Origin rocket panted. Smoke billowing, pre-fuel leaking from the tip. “Liftoff,” I rasped, pressing the button that sent it over the edge. The rocket groaned, then exploded, spurting debris all over the launchpad.

Elizabeth, I don’t want my face on money. Unless your pussy is money. Darcy

(at the UFC fight at the White House) Sir, you can take him. You’re so strong, sir. If you get in the ring, sir, you will win. You got this, sir.

Elizabeth; Everyone knows dumb has a b in it. But only I know last night your bum had a d in it. Darcy

me when it happens

Trump: I’m surprised I’m your last guest *lights dim, music starts* Colbert: It’s time to start RUNNING

taxmaxxing is when you tax a billionaire’s amazussy so hard even a teacher in Queens can feel it

Roses are red Read something new Like a romance where a sentient hockey stick says

I’m her ex-boyfriend’s hockey stick. This can’t last. But tonight, and only for tonight… We’re pucking. TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU, a sentient object romance, is available now!

Wilbur saw a new message in Charlotte’s web: “Tell Kyle. I want him to know it was me.”

a hockey romance reader has a one-night stand with a sentient hockey stick and then they fell in love FOR REAL!! TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX2DNYT...

Elizabeth, I’ll tell the Supreme Court the same thing I told your family: 6 of you can go fuck yourselves. Darcy

I like my passport design better

Elizabeth, Even I don’t care this much about ballrooms. Darcy

what if a reader of hockey romance novels slept with her ex-boyfriend’s sentient hockey stick and then they fell in love FOR REAL?? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!

what if a hockey romance reader had a one-night stand with a sentient hockey stick and then they fell in love FOR REAL?? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now! www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX2DNYT...

what if a reader of hockey romance novels slept with her ex-boyfriend’s sentient hockey stick and then they fell in love FOR REAL?? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU is available now!

Violet gets over her ex… by getting under his hockey stick. But can the hockey stick convince her to give it a chance on more than one night? TONIGHT I’M PUCKING YOU, a sentient object romance, is available now! www.amazon.com/dp/B0GX2DNYT...

“touch her and die” is for romance novels, not the Strait of Hormuz

Schrödinger’s peace plan

Elizabeth, Tell your pussy I said pspsps. Darcy

(spreading open a romance novel) this could be our last night on Earth

There’s more than one way to open the Strait of Hormuz

Elizabeth, Call me the Easter Bunny because I want to fill your eggs. Darcy

Elizabeth, I don’t want you to sit on my face tonight. April Fools’, Darcy

Shall I compare thee to 12 tons of KitKat? Thou are much easier to fit in my mouth. Thou are not as crispy, but just as sweet When I break you off by going down south.

Elizabeth, Are you 12 tons of KitKats? Because I would spend the rest of my life eating you. Darcy

Elizabeth, I go down harder than the stock market. Darcy

saying “I am Banksy” as I deface another Trump signed dollar bill