Tylenol and me: a love story

And lo, the angel descended to Earth and proclaimed, “I have come for you.” And lo, the romance hero rolled up his sleeves and said, low and dirty, “Not yet.”

Elizabeth, Are you the rapture? Because I’ll make you feel like you’re floating to heaven when you come. Darcy

You are cordially invited to the Antifa meeting at my Pemberley estate. Unless you’re the feds. Then it’s an orgy and you’re not invited. Darcy

Lizzy, So the FCC won’t let me be or let me be me so let me see. They’re trying to take me down from Pemberley but it feels so empty without me. Darcy

a group of conservatives is called a circle kirk

ABC and America: a dark romance

I will never forgive them for making me stand up for Jimmy Kimmel

pitching Nintendo a sentient object romance where a gamer takes out an old cartridge and blows on it and then they fall in love FOR REAL

they owe us radical left lunatics a big apology

I’m sad children were shot at school. Again. And that we’re not talking about that because a white supremacist who was fine with school shootings was also shot.

(optimistically) The Last Supper

Put a romance author in charge of the economy. We know lots about ‘jobs.

I wrote a book where a reader has sex with a sentient romance novel and that is more medically accurate than anything RFK Jr has ever said.

I think I finally get edging

Labor Day rocked against my finger, slow as a Monday morning. “Do you have anything to do today?” the holiday moaned. “Lucky for you,” I smirked as I eased another finger inside, “I get Labor Day off.”

I tipped the CDC’s chin up. “Who did this to you?” “Why?” the CDC whispered. “What can you do about it?” “I will fund you so good,” I groaned, clutching the CDC close, “I’ll make you release the vaccine you didn’t know you were holding.”

“Our love is forbidden,” the vaccine said, “but we belong together.” I gripped the shot in my fist and notched it against my sensitive flesh. “Whose vaccine is this?” “Yours, Daddy,” the vaccine moaned. The shot pierced me, filled me, then ejaculated into my body.

I had something original to say about school shootings but that was like 500 school shootings ago. Fuck guns.

what if Taylor Swift getting engaged makes him so angry that it finally happens

Darcy loves a reader www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejud...

Darcy loves a reader www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejud...

My "romance novel comes to life and eats out a reader" romance is available wide! Get NOT LIKE OTHER ROMANCE NOVELS wherever fine books are sold. books2read.com/u/m2jvDr

Trump calling him Vladimir is that romance trope where a character calls their love interest by last name until a decisive moment like they’re about to be separated and the character finally uses the first name

*whispering to the Smithsonian* keep the exhibits the same. he can’t read

Fuck everyone who could have put that man in prison but didn’t

Elizabeth, Call me birth control because you should have access to me and be able to put me in your body anytime you want. Darcy

Being homeless is not the crime. A society letting people be homeless is the crime.

“Come inside,” said the bookstore. “With pleasure,” I groaned as I parted the doors and eased in. One leg, followed by two. I strolled to the back, pressing against a shelf, browsing so hard books were slicking me with ink. “I’m going to spend!” I cried and I spurted money all over the counter.

celebrate National Book Lovers Day literally with a romance about a sentient book that knows how to please its reader

Elizabeth, Call me redistricting because I want to pack you with D. Darcy

what if Texas Democrats fled the state to save democracy and stayed in a hotel where two of them had to share the last room and there was only one bed and they fell in love FOR REAL???

Elizabeth, If I give you fewer than expected orgasms, I will not fire the butler who counts how many times you scream my name. I will try harder next time. Darcy

I want to write a Scottish why choose romance called Marry, Fuck, Kilt

starving people is wrong, and shooting starving people is wrong, and fuck the world that sees that as a debate

any author will tell you that the best way to “change the narrative” isn’t to reintroduce old characters in act three, it’s to release the Epstein files

MAHA (make art horny again)

tender is the kiss cam

Elizabeth, You are the only one with whom I would ever attend a Coldplay concert. Darcy

Elizabeth, Neither pride nor prejudice but a secret third thing that also starts with P. Darcy

doctor: me: doctor: me: doctor: what do you mean “research for a sentient object romance about a firecracker”

we’re in the third act breakup of a book I want to DNF

Dear Representatives, Vote NO like it’s an invitation to a party with Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Darcy

Elizabeth, Murkowski voted for you to marry Mr Collins. Darcy

The only people who belong in Alligator Alcatraz are the people making it

Elizabeth, Darcy Fragrences are here! Want your RIDE to smell like PRIDE? Spray some “Scents and Sensibility” on your Netherfield. Only £199. “The next best thing to the real Darcy spraying liquid on me” -satisfied customer Link in bio. Darcy

the problem with being a romance author is that an idea will come to you and your first thought is wait that sounds dirty

Elizabeth, I accept your apology for moaning “oh, Pedro Pascal” while we were mid passion. I was thinking about him, too. Darcy

Elizabeth, Are you regime change? Because I want to become entangled with you for decades with no exit strategy. Darcy

Elizabeth, Are you congressional approval to go to war? Because I need you. Darcy