he will never noam noam noam on a hamburger again

It’s never dull in Hull

ONEY: Oh my God, the President of the United States put an ad in the newspaper seeking my re-capture! WAITRESS: (desperately trying to look on the bright side) Uh… at least he called you flender.

When Teen of Denial first came out I thought Car Seat Headrest were singing: It doesn’t have to be like this Kill the whales, kill the whales

“how should it cost? free?” fetterman texted. “hand stuck pickle jar” he added, “fetterman angry. no pickle”

Emm dash, en dash, hyphen, semi-colon, colon; I use them all randomly. I live by my own rules

I’ll bet champagne tastes terrible out of the Stanley Cup anyway🙍‍♂️

“This technology is happening, like it or not. It will destroy countless jobs. It’s environmentally ruinous. Its effects on misinformation and democracy will be profoundly negative. And the companies who have created it have more money than god to buy off legislators who will never listen to you.”

People who say Jesse Singal can't be forgiven because they rusty tromboned a teenager are the same people who simp for these folks.

(extreme Orson Welles voice) AHHHHHHHHHH THE SPORTS

There’s no such thing as a “down escalator”. That’s a de-escalator, you rube, you idiot, you asshole!

We need more weed, who’s going? AP: What are you looking at?

why is every grace kelly movie about men being too distracted to shag her. grace kelly i would never.

Nearly the entire media parroted Susan Collins' statement that she has a "Benign Essential Tremor." The correct medical term is "Essential Tremor" because it's not benign and coincides with higher rates of dementia www.kenklippenstein.com/p/why-is-sus...

I’m at the strip club where all the strippers are senior citizens. It’s back to the old grind, I guess

Anyway, South Park is arguably a Polish narrative, so let's be careful about labeling the drunk driving monster an aroace icon.

The Buffalo Sabres

Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of snart to helg.

I describe Tucker Carlson as professionally perplexed Like if a guy’s whole job was looking like he didn’t know he shit his own pants. He knows there’s mounds of shit in his pants. But he doesn’t know who did it. & he’s too busy to wipe his own ass because he’s desperately searching for the culprit

if you fasten or sew the edges of a jean vest together with one twist to form a Möbius strip, that is known as an infinite jest

CONGRESSPERSON: Did you commit the crimes which have been alleged? HEGSETH: I have to confess that- COMMITTEE CHAIR: I say, I say boy, your time has expaahhrred

I'm gonna do extra drugs cuz the Sabres are good

The Sabres are good at hockey!!!!

the 2 permissible things: 1. work at the new york times 2. go to nazi gala the 2 impermissible things: 1. say america kinda stinks 2. take a apple from kroger

nofuckagatto Good morning

Ashley Parker was also the name of my bankrupt business. It was a mashup of Ashley Madison and Warby Parker. You thought you were having an extramarital affair but it was really just your spouse in a set of fun, new frames.

It is time

Roman Anthony just killed a man by hitting a baseball at him

The Iranians have gifted me a beautiful cask of rare Amontillado sherry which has been placed in the wine cellar of the White House for my enjoyment

think outside the hoop 🌮🔔

Tobias Bucklegruff

Is that Joe Camel IRL?

The lovely Lisa Gilroy appearing on Jury Duty: Company Retreat. Love it.

The Straights of Hormel

Trump: "Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor?"

Watching the new Steve Carrell series, Old Men With Their Goddamn Shirts Off All the Time for Some Reason

finally a white man getting credit for black music

throw our way, god it would mean so much to us both - my paypal is paypal.me/smolkibbi and if you can't afford to help, a retweet would also be incredibly appreciated.

Absolutely. Now to take a large drink of coffee and check the price of gasoline…

Search your camera roll for ‘Hell’

Cars 2 was a children’s movie about cars that were spies

(ahem) sabres