promised my crit partner i'd be done the novella before she came back from her christmas holiday she's probably back this weekend and now i'm gonna have to explain to her i deleted the scriv file and won't write anything ever again because i can't write anything decent and never will

ah yes of course, in literally just two paragraphs i have 3 bits of soulless, chat-gpt ass writing and i HAVE to assume that everyone who liked/reposted it didn't even read it and was just going through the motions it does everything a post i JUST read said never to do

ah, i just saw a post on here saying never to write actions between bits of dialogue because AI does that and it's meaningless and soulless yeah. alright. i'm done writing. it doesn't matter that i won't get agented, i won't even get anyone liking my shit anyway

i hate how realizing i have exactly zero chance at ever getting agented, let alone published, has completely sapped my desire to ever write again i know that's wrong because blah blah we have to write for ourselves but i did want to be published i hate how i ruined that and it's all my fault

also, i think i'm deciding i'm never gonna query even though i'd publish under my real name, and not with the book i've been talking about here, eventually people are gonna figure out this is my account and i've been way too negative and caused too much drama. i would genuinely be blacklisted

just (re)watched the threat level midnight episode of the office and oops. new fear unlocked. that /i/ think i'm writing a book that's at least kinda serious & tragic but everyone's gonna think it's meant to be funny which is somewhat warranted.

Describe your Bluesky account in a single image

one of these days i'm gonna stop being too scared to comment on people's wip snips or other prompt responses idk. i guess im worried im butting in? considering im more or less an outsider here, and i dont wanna be that annoying person butting in where im not wanted & forcing myself in here yknow?

🤷🏻‍♀️

novella chapter 4: done (this is one i definitely let run about 200-400 words too long and i truly, honestly, don't know how i managed that) (it's probably the beginning, i take 500 words to get to the meat of the scene. god i suck at starts)

i feel like i'm grossly overwriting because by my estimate the novella was going to be 30k words because these scenes should NOT be long but i am now at nearly 25k and i still have 6 full scenes left & half of 3 more i'm trying to not stress but i'm clearly doing something wrong here

Gen: she works at a speakeasy / pub because her father also owns a speakeasy and pulled her out of school to start working there as a teen Arin: career criminal. loaded answer, honestly. but he grew up knowing the local major crime family. after his mom died, he started hanging around them, (1/3)

wellbutrin is funny because what do you mean i'm at my parents house for christmas and id rather be home writing in my defense my dad is ignoring me to watch a true crime doc and my mom is ignoring me to do a puzzle

christmas at the beanie household: i have spent an hour watching my dad watch a true crime doc i explained to him for the second time this week what pansexual means also in #thewheeloftime theories he somehow clocked that noal is jain & i forgot to take my antidepressant before i left my house

crying because i just realized i've written every day for the last 7 days i actually can't remember the last time i did that i usually can get two or three days before burning out i've only written 2.5k words but every day. this is kinda a big deal. (actually crying about this)

why the fuck didn't i start wellbutrin a year ago like. it's around this time last year that i started getting too depressed to write, anxious about not writing, which made me more depressed, and wip hopping just to get dopamine from the novelty I'M DOING GREAT NOW WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS A YEAR AGO

i don't have any goblets because i'm not writing THAT kind of fantasy but i do have plenty mugs of tea i know this segment's kinda choppy & stilted but i actually do really like how this reads in the context of the scene #wipsnips

@ people who generally pick me up and are nice to me when i'm in a bad mood: next time i'm tweaking out over writing anxiety you hearby have permission to throw this post back in my face tell me i'll be LESS anxious if write. because it's no big deal. and i WILL be more anxious if i DONT write

I find it funny when ai bros accuse real artists/writers/etc of thinking they’re better than those who use gen/ai because, for once, they’re actually right. I do think I’m better than ai bros, and I think other artists should feel the same way.

okay i wrote. in the kitchen. standing, laptop on the counter, waiting for my food to cool i GENUINELY think that's the strat write while standing up that's it i'm gonna see about stealing my boss's standing desk and taking it home it's officially mental health accommodations lmfao :p

WHEEZE this is gonna be a thread because this is like half my story's conflict Okay. Ophelia is reliant on Arin for money. When he's, uh, not around, she will pick up extra shifts at the speakeasy and eat at the pub (for free). She will often also do Arin's job if necessary (1/3)

gonna be another day where my writing plans are derailed by anxiety making me wanna hurl and just pay a ghost writer to do it for me because i clearly can't like. let's face it. people who enjoy writing don't have this reaction. it's not mental illness, it's just that i don't like writing. simple.

i think for my mental health i have to start muting accounts who post writing advice 🙃 to be clear i am NOT saying this bc i'm immune to growth and i'm doing things my own way and i don't need help but bc it WILL fester in my brain and paralyze it to the point of self loathing and zero writing

no yknow what im gonna answer this twice i spent all summer feeling like a piece of shit for writing pov characters who aren't 1:1 carbon copies of me because we HAVE to stick to ownvoices always fuck you my mains are a bi gal and a straight boy with adhd and that doesn't make me a monster 🧵

i haven't read any ursula k le guin (yet) but even so she is without a doubt my favorite author, that woman was based as fuck and has never said one wrong thing ever

"show don't tell" or, as redditors understand it: "write in 3rd objective pov, only write what you can observe, interiority is hacky amateur writing, memories break immediacy, and they definitely belong in anger management with how many times they pound their fist on the table when angry."

In a pisstake hypothetical way, mood stabilizers for gen, antidepressants for ophelia, adderall for arin, and copious amounts of therapy for matt In a "they could actually get this in-world" way, money for arin and ophi would go a long way

Main Character: [sigh] my life sucks. Writer: look, I see you. I hear you. I get it... but I'm going to need you to stop sighing so much about it.

APOCALYPTIC SCI-FANTASY it's beats the "beanie only writes about being gay and doing crime" allegations it's smaller scale wheel of time if ishamael was right and i'm dedicated to committing 3 writing sins in one go: a prologue written in second person present tense (it'll be the book i query)

Describe your WIP in a single word / single emoji: (novel) For Nothing: 🔥 (novella) Always Inevitable: ⚡

i wrote this with a brain fart that for like 5 seconds made me forget how condensation works can't edit it right now though so fuck it #wipsnips

of course my anxiety subsided enough to write the second i crash into bed like okay where was this feeling of being alright five fucking hours ago

i compromised and zero drafted chapter 11 not even zero drafted. not even outlined. i just tossed a few bullshit vibes onto the page it's barely writing but just opening the doc and trying *something* improved my mood but i'm not writing. writing will make it worse

Also my cookies came out underbaked and I'm pissed so I'm just gonna mope and watch the office and feel sorry for myself and cry and just accept that wellbutrin didn't work for me after 8 days and so i'm fucking hopeless with untreatable depression cool. i miss caring about stuff though

Gen: her resting bitch face or her curly blond short bob cut Arin: his crooked (broken) nose, his freckles, or his height (he's kinda short for a guy) Ophi: her old fashioned clothes & oversized glasses (they were her mom's) Matt: the scar from his nose to his chin across his lip

yeah. alright. cookies have been baked and i'm still in fight or flight mode this sucks. it does. i think the only real explanation is i just don't like writing and i'm the last person to realize it i still want to have finished something, but i guess i have to let go of that dream :| fuck

Mmkay. Calming down. Just cold now I'm gonna bake the cookies I prepped yesterday to get these jitters out of my system and then try finishing chapter 11 If I have a breakdown about it, anyone volunteer to be a listening ear? lol I'm rational and not spiralling and angry at everyone now!

Okay. My mood is at least good. I can confirm that. I think I'm just not used at ALL to my anxiety being only physical, and not mental, so my heart's going fucking insane and my brain's like "quick! find something to justify it!" Fight or flight mode, but happy? What the fuck?

Okay. Does anyone have any tips on how to write despite being anxious and feeling terrified & like I'm gonna throw up And don't say it's burnout and I need to give myself a break, or a day off. It's not. And I don't Not writing is making me more anxious & depressed. I need to fucking... do it.

too anxious to write tonight and depressed about being too anxious to write and both anxious AND depressed at how this probably means i'm never going to write again and shouldn't bother fuck. why is my wellbutrin so USELESS now maybe i was never depressed. maybe i just... hate... writing

Aw I have a new upsetting headcanon / idea and it's SO GOOD and I'm SO PISSED that I can't wedge it into either the novel or novella It's best left out ANYWAY but it's the kind of heartbreaking character interaction I adore writing Dammit

I was about to apologize for the shitty writing from 22 year old Beanie but Honestly they're both kinda terrible and I'm not sure you can guess which one's the fifth draft snippet from someone who's older and supposed to be more experienced So

does anyone have any ideas with how i can be productive in my free time though? even if i spend more time doing house chores and taking work home im gonna have SOME free time and i dunno what to do with it, i dont want to waste it on reading writing tv what do most people do to stay productive?

whatever im gonna go make cookies, have a bath, and go to bed i for some reason (no sleep last night) am SUPER fucking wiped and can't keep my eyes open and that probably contributed i mean. i stand by what i said. my chapter is ASS. but it's probably ass because i can't fucking think right now

vis a vis my breakdown and chapter 6 sucking the last 2 paragraphs of it took me 1.5 hours to write. that's a fucking embarrassment. THAT is the best i could do?? that's fucking horrible jesus fucking christ nobody bs me with positive feedback okay? if youre commenting it had better be criticism

okay. so. a few years ago. someone read my chapter one and told me to hire a ghost writer if i ever wanted anyone to read it and my writing has gotten way, way worse since then what are we thinking. are they right? my only options are "just fully quit" or "Get someone else to write it" so

actually no this is stupid i would still say i'm overall in a good mood. if i closed scriv to make cookies i guarantee i'd be super duper fine it's JUST writing i'm crying about. crying in a good mood? because i dunno what to write and i'm overwhelmed? this sucks like what am i supposed to do

per scriv my average word count per writing session is 300 jesus fuck that's abysmal. i have the time. i have no excuse i'm about to fucking cry. i've always wanted to write and have written but i guess i stopped enjoying it that sucks. i don't *want* to hate this but i do and i dunno what to do

fuck. i was in such a good mood the last couple days. and i was even in a good mood today. but for some reason my heart is racing and i've been trying to calm down but it stopped working so now my physical anxiety has gotten too overwhelming and i can't write because of it. and this sucks.

Novella chapter 18: ✅ Only 400 words written today though. I would have hit 1k wrapping chapter 11 too but christmas party got in the way 9 novella scenes left until I can second draft and not feel like the worlds worst writer hell yeah bois~~