Absolutely no one: (My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep): I thought it would be cool if I conjured up a memory of every single cringe thing you’ve ever done in your entire life

British people could watch aliens land on the parliament building and they’d be like hmmph strange day, innit

“But won’t someone think of the Dow Jones!!!! “

Everyone wants to be a spiritual gangster till it becomes time to shoot biophotonic lasers from your third eye at the shapeshifting interdimensional reptilian humanoids

I didn’t think they’d throw ME to the crocodiles says man who voted for the Throwing People to The Crocodiles Party

The healing journey is fascinating cause some days I’ll be like I am an impenetrable fortress of equanimity and love, there’s not a single person that could ever bother me, and then other days I’m like why does my microwave keep looking at me like that

I love watching the History Channel cause it’ll be like ‘and then George Washington marched his troops from concord to lexington only to come Face To Face With A 10ft Tall Mantid Alien Being Who Used Telepathy To Show Him The British Tactical Vulnerabilities

I remember when ice was just something I would slip on and fall on my ass growing up

Im so high I saw my neighbor and forgot his name so I called him land brother

Why does our society feel like a movie starring Gerard Butler you’d see on the front page of Tubi

Need some alone time where there’s no other people around so I think I’m gonna go see the new Melania movie in theaters

Yes the Melania movie may be a steaming pile of dog shit but have you considered that a Zionist sex offender worked really hard on it. Have some respect

Every headline these days sounds like if you did Mad Libs while on a bad LSD trip

2020: I will not wear a mask. I will not social distance. I will not comply with the government! 2026: why can’t the people in Minneapolis just comply with the armed federal agents in their neighborhood?

I walked into a Barnes and Noble the other day and they had my dad’s book right next to a Boris Johnson memoir. Didn’t we fight a war in the late 1770s to avoid this kind of stuff happening

(Guy that has been saying we need to protect ourselves from big government overreach for the past few decades): why can’t the people in Minessota just comply with the armed federal agents in their neighborhood

Yes when you look at the first angle of the ICE video it looks really bad for ICE but when you look at the second angle it also looks really bad for ICE

As Trump gets closer to death he has these moments where he gets honest about his existential reflections. “They’re saying I’m not doing too well when it comes to getting into heaven, many are saying it’s a very sad thing.” Better speed up that ballroom if you want to see it big man 😭

Yeah I know the kids love 6-7 but wait till they find out that 7-8-9 and how it left 7 very satiated

I remember when I was eight I insisted that everyone call me by my initials TB cause I thought it sounded cool and my mom said we can’t do that because it stands for tuberculosis

Do the people on LinkedIn know grind mindset will get you sent straight to an insane asylum in 10 years

Women will say they only want a man who’s at least over 6’3, is skilled outdoors, and has no social media or public presence. It sounds like you don’t want a man you want Sasquatch 😭

Do the people on LinkedIn know we’re transient beings in a fractal universe

Pointing out the hypocrisy of conservative christians feels like when you go over to your friends house and lower their basketball hoop to 6ft so you can do cool dunks on it

Male conservative christians will say being gay is a sin and then worship another man 😭

Area Man Using MLK Day As Opportunity To Tell Friends About COINTELPRO

We may be playing against an unimaginably evil cabal of pedofiles that control the world but never forget that they are playing against the evolutionary trajectory of the universe itself

Every single day you read the news these days you say to yourself “surely it can’t get more insane than this” and inevitably tomorrow always rolls around with something to top it

Remember when people were getting fired for being mean to Charlie Kirk. That was fucking weird

Is there a part in the Bible that talks about what to do if your congregation keeps requesting AI Charlie Kirk videos to be played on the big screen during service

Asking my therapist if she likes deep conversations

I’ve started saying nonsense phrases like “that’s neither sauce nor spaghetti” just to see who nods along like its profound

I hate it when people accuse spiritual posters of doing word salad, they don’t understand that when you’re a multidimensional being just trying to integrate the ethereal self with the 3D density body it can disrupt the harmonic equilibrium of the chakra system leaving leaks all over the auric field

hey I think it’s bad that federal agents shot a minivan mom three times in the face (Person that celebrated every time they got a C in high school): actually you’re wrong

(Guy who has spent the last decade stockpiling weapons to protect against big government overreach): all she had to do was simply comply with the armed federal agent in her neighborhood and she would have been fine

I’ve started saying nonsense phrases like “never met a beaver who didn’t give a few damns” just to see who nods along like its profound

I’m so sorry I wished you a happy Toyotathon. I didn’t realize your family celebrates Lexus December To Remember

Santa is a classic example of people loving your weirdness if you also bring joy. Climbing down peoples chimneys in the middle of the night? Totally chill and everyone loves you

It was funny when you did it at Toyotathon, it was less funny when you did it at Lexus December to Remember, and by the time you were doing it at Happy Honda Days we were begging for you to get a new bit

In the year of our lord Toyotathon

The Grinch: I am going to destroy Whoville with my arsenal of Rotten Egg Launchers and Slime Shooters Democratic Leadership: we need to write him a strongly worded letter

* your friend that accidentally ate one of the “special” Christmas cookies * It used to be Santa that gave us what we wanted and expected and now it’s something called The Algorithm.

No, you cannot leave your printed Substack article out for Santa. He’s busy and he doesn’t consider that a gift

I’m the type of person to edit a sent text in order to add one single exclamation point. You will receive the transmission of exuberance and enthusiasm this message requires. I won’t sleep until it’s made right.

I’m the type of person to edit a sent text in order to add one single exclamation point. I know you got my message but it was lacking proper exuberance and enthusiasm and with the state of the world these days we can’t afford that

May you never be too grown up (or sober) to search the skies on Christmas Eve.

The DOJ: hey guys we’re gonna release all these files but any time you see Trump’s name just know it’s totally fake and made up and he totally didn’t do that and it’s all good 👍

(Me seeing any person in any context whatsoever) Well well well if it isn’t the good ol’ bipedal hominid

The years of leaving cookies out for Santa are over, we’re leaving him microdose capsules that he’ll be able to write killer substack articles about

The Grinch: I am going to destroy Whoville with my arsenal of Rotten Egg Launchers and Slime Shooters Democrats: we need to write him a strongly worded letter