(me as a parent) City clerk: you've already changed your baby's name twice this month Me: yeah but I thought of something funnier

Gonna start a tribute band and call it Close But No Seger

You think they'll give Lindsey Graham a burial or just leave him in the closet

Schroedinger's murder turtle

Holding a grudge should be called beef stew

Who needs to wait for GTA 6, you can just play GTA 3 twice #math

What's all this? New song? Looks like a new song to me www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y1K...

Vanilla Immigration and Customs Enforcement

I wish people were still trying to impress Jodie Foster

Loudly saying 'a million dollars' around all my smart devices so my algorithm gives it to me

My city is a deeply unserious place

Why go big when I can go home

British people doing the little laugh and saying 'stop it' is one of the purest delights in this world

Guy behind Smart Car full of clowns at Tims drive thru: Fuck

@ianferguson76.bsky.social have you played Wax Heads yet?

All the magnolia trees are in bloom here this week, and my brain wild beefed the word so hard today and I told my partner 'the mongolians are in bloom'

Fuck the met gala and fuck simping for the ultra-wealthy. All those extravagant 'baring it all' outfits are truly giving 'the emperor has no clothes'

SPRIMP

This week is my favourite season in Montreal - all of them at once

A haunted clown college would be equal parts spooky and annoying

I was getting a coffee and hash brown from McDonald's this morning and they had socks, but they ran out of Hamburglar so I had to get Grimace socks So if I become a cartoonish supervillain, this is my origin story

Why don't poke restaurants offer a poke bowl with extra Pikachus

Me trying to get through every day like

This is aspirational

The amount of major news stories I find out about through simpsons groups is shocking, absurd, and exceedingly on brand for me

Actual excerpts from Melania's unrequested speech

Hey NASA, can I tag along to space? I've got some killer playlists and you don't even need to give me a ride home

Cheap Trick, c 1979 - colourised

On the comedy scale from 1 to 4 Seasons Total Landscaping, trying to figure out where this lands

Ever since they banned plastic straws, I've had to choke turtles by hand

Hey do you think the Wright brothers invented the airplane cause their kids refused to eat from regular spoons?

Are You There, Godzilla? It's Me, Margaret

happy birthday, women

I can't wait to speak ill of the dead

'Jim Carrey is a clone' discourse was definitely not on my bingo card

This isn't very FIFA peace prize of him

Google killing the tenor gif keyboard is gonna decimate like all of my group chats

When I die, I want to donate my organs to Goodwill

Bored of Peace

People who only have like two browser tabs open give serial killer vibes

The worthlessness of nfts is as inevitable as it is hilarious

If the new Virtual Boy tanks, it'll be the only console to fail in two different centuries.

A good punk name would be Denise Brutality

'can't make an omelette without fucking a few kids' - Bondi, probably

Don't be hyperbolic, guys, that's literally the worst thing you can do

At this point I'm willing to give Pinky and the Brain a shot

When do we get to the guillotining of the rich part

worried people will think i'm faking my imposter syndrome

Bon Scott Bad Scott

For sale. Clown shoes. Never worn.