First courageous team of City workers prepare the Hellish Slushfields of Leaside for the grotesque months ahead. Bolstered only by 1000 Bovril cubes, turnip-flavoured pemmican and 16mm prints of Lee Marvin motion pictures, these men won't be seen again until May.

Are you prone to slivers? Then sign up for the City of Toronto's annual sliver workshop, where you'll learn about the underlying properties of wood, experimental methods of sliver extraction (e.g. extreme jostling; hand immersion in liquid nitrogen), and how to endure the shame.

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask Bud Olson, federal Minister Responsible for the Canadian Dairy Commission, "Kubrick or Peckinpah?".

As you can see and appreciate, work is now completed on the site of the upcoming Toronto Open-Toed Sandals Fashion Show. Our message to the envious Parisian? Eat your heart out -- if you have one!!!

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask Bachman-Turner Overdrive rock band singers Bub, Jeb, Eb and Aloysius "where do babies come from?".

#007 fans, fed up waiting for years between films, will be mildly satiated by never-considered-as-Bond & nicotine-stained roué Peter Lawford as Bermudan secret agent Chumley Offspring (w. John McGavin as his ghastly nemesis Dr. Altoona Pennsylvania) in PUCKER UP FOR DEATH, Fri. at the Imperial Six.

Not scorn, not admonishment, but merely anthropological curiosity is what I'm displaying here at the sight of a man wearing sandals in October. At this rate, by 1980, hippies will be ruling over a nude nation, unaware of its neatly-pressed past.

Tonite on MANNIX: Joe sadly muses that those were the days, my friends, we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance forever and a day, for we were young and sure to have our way, la-la-la-da-da-da.

Due to the outbreak of athlete's foot among the Communist union of Imperial Six projectionists, we'll only be able to show this film tonight, as it's already loaded up on the old Soviet back-up projector in Theatre 3.

Trying out some possible ads for my re-election campaign...

Few remember the pesky 'track touts' who, when the #TTC Yonge subway first opened, hawked bogus astrological maps of downtown, lukewarm buttered toast, and unnecessary escalator 'passes' to rubes from far-flung Davisville.

In Victorian Toronto, no one folded anything, as there was plenty of room.

Gruff high school geography teacher Peter Panoply (Lorne Greene) sets out on his homemade mini-bike to find America and correct some road signage, but a whiff of 'marihuana' at a gas station alters his quest in EASY RIDER 2: THE SEARCH FOR SLACKS, now at the Imperial Six.

Sad day, as Toronto's last Morse Code operators' nightclub, the Telegraphed Intentions, closes its doors for the last time, a victim of callous times and calloused fingers, as well as the fad for using actual words when flirting.

Tonite on MANNIX: Joe and his fraternal step-cousin Hammy are pretty sure that's old man Getty in the window, up to no good, but they can't read backwards.

Isolation? Intermittent postal service? Persistent intestinal turmoil? Nothing will stop amateur whittler Bub Spinks (Lee Marvin) from his dream of becoming a MAIL-ORDER PROCTOLOGIST. Now playing at the Imperial Six.

My ushers are roughing up (with licorice truncheons, to reduce injury) press photographers here on the Imperial Six’s red carpet as we welcome legendary comic and scamp Morey Amsterdam for an unceasing retrospective of his movies, including DON'T WORRY, WE'LL THINK OF A TITLE (censored). #TIFF2025

Sad day, as Toronto's last free- standing exploding cigar store, Combustive Cienfuegos, shuts its doors, a victim of the pampered moods of the lip gloss generation, and scurrilous lies promulgated by arch rivals in the novelty hand buzzer industry.

The tiles? Spit-resistant 1.16 billion-year-old quartzite, drawn from the fussy quarry of Pope Wazo IV. The ceiling tiles? Rare Albanian styrofoam, finely crafted without regard to cost or practicality. My cologne? Eau de Joseph P. Kennedy Sr. Bert Xanadu's book: shorturl.at/VLRsi

I've said it before and I'll say it again: the French have a word for that feeling you get when you mentally undress Ed Sullivan, but they refuse to tell us what it is. #television #entertainment

Tonite on SHUTER & YOUNG, @CBC's hottest show since 1961's CROSS-CANADA BARNDANCE, the detectives go undercover as proto-hippies as they close in on elusive slacks and socks mobster Johnny Sansabelt, while hundreds feel the joyous sting of pedestrianized freedom.

When I need to rouse myself from morning's stupor, I rely on Ugly Mug Coffee. Ground by unsuspecting pedestrians outside a Niagara Falls warehouse, it goes down like Satan's bleach, and features Toronto's 1st cow barber, Timmy, on the jar. If the caffeine doesn't kill ya, he will!

Tonite on MANNIX: Joe enlists the help of his respectively shorter brothers Phineas and Merriweather to roust recalcitrant hippies from their hemp-y hideout.

My shiftless brother-in-law Geoff Gort (former chewing gum model) will be defying society's norms and personal hygiene expectations as he brings his fake mystic act to the #CNE. Don't be fooled by the laminated diaper on his head, there's nothing in there except a stolen toupee.

Sad day, as Toronto’s final orthopaedic codpiece store, Angleworthy’s Brash Buttresses, closes its doors, a victim of testosteronic deficiencies in the city’s tap water, and nefarious price-fixing by the rival cotton batten industry.

Police called to scene of foibles.

I've assigned the two most miserable City Hall employees -- Ginger Spitoon of the Scurvy & Scabies Bureau, and Harold Neupomost of the Shoe Archives -- to appear as the faces of my new civic psycho-municipal campaign, which consists mostly of Centre Island log flume rides & free buttermilk lozenges.

Expect some delays on the #TTC Ward's Island-Leaside dirigible service this afternoon due to inadvertent passenger nudity.

Still starstruck after meeting elite shadow puppet performers at the Royal York tonite, as they effortlessly evoke a sense of calm anonymity and colourless contemplation -- so needed in today's kooky world! Photo courtesy of City Hall's Official Ephemera Scholar, @jeremyhopkin.bsky.social.

Coming to the Canadian National Exhibition next month: complimentary Tahiti Treat ankle baths courtesy of the Toronto Athlete's Foot Commission. Located in the Pure Foot Building, next to Bunions On Ice.

In his #Hollywood debut, #NHL's Bobby Clarke plays a small-town orthodontist whose attempts to woo local forensic odontologist Calcedonia Si Sciacqui La Bocca (Sophia Loren) by extracting his own teeth during dinner are met with failure in DEFEATING THE PURPOSE. Opens Fri. at the Imperial Six.

Parked in City Hall's spooky underground parking lot and baffled by its annoying reverberations and modal density problems? My noise jockeys, Vlad 'The Inhaler' Berczy and Tim 'Bronx Cheer' Bronson will use their eyes, noses and sense of duty to find your car, when not on their coffee cake breaks.

We are now offering Imperial Six patrons complimentary use of opera glasses, to allow for more detailed contemplation of the Frankenstein monster's nostrils, or of Lorne Greene's sass.

Cool off at the Imperial Six this weekend, as our festival of motion pictures featuring criminal uses of balaclavas continues with a DOCTOR SATAN feature, shot in Leaside to make use of excess wartime scrap metal.

Sometimes my famous generosity backfires, presenting me in an incommodious light. As was the case when I played Lex Luthor in the Leaside Divorced Men's Cavalier Playhouse all-toupée stage production of #SUPERMAN: GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY in 1946. Geez, you'd think Stalin wrote the reviews!

The Platonic ideal of 'subway' before Torontonians got their greasy paws and odiferous dungarees on it.

Unshirkable, the City's top high school truancy cops, Bud 'Not On My Watch' Wacławczyk and Lester 'The Invigilator' Invernizzi won't be napping during the summer holidays. I've assigned them to monitor possible barber overuse of Brylcreem, and to manhandle dawdlers on escalators.

Share in my glee this Dominion Day as Toronto's posh bastards try to squeeze their untaxed fannies into shiny formal wear. All eyes will be on mopey Varsity Stadium as the Leaside Animal Husbandry Royal Regiment forms the shape of Upper Canada using livestock and the world's largest shoe horns.

Toronto slide projector owners are reminded to insert the mandatory City Hall slides warning of the dangers of Sno-Cone diarrhea this summer. Those without such projectors will be provided with lawn signs.

Expect some delays this afternoon on the #TTC Dufferin bus.

In the spirit of Queen Victoria's grim visage, and to prevent the charring of Toronto, I am banning the following fireworks: Corrosive Nun, Sky Gargle, Satan's Snot, Podiatrist's Revenge, Balsamic Hindenburg, Inflamed Toenail, Aunt Vesuvius, Pimple Thunder, and The Ethel Merman Disturbance.

Here I am sharing laughs, lunch and linoleum tips with the City's savvy new High School Truancy and Remedial Biology Officer, Timmy 'Posterior Cingulate Cortex' Tamblyn. Young reprobate punks go bolt upright when they glimpse Timmy lumbering towards them! I don't know where he gets his brains from!

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask Christopher Plummer, our nation's leading theatrical rake "who's your Yoko Ono?".

Say hello to the 14th Mrs. Xanadu, Concepcio Immaculada Torres Torres! We met on my recent junket to Andorra, where I sought the world's finest escalator rubber for the TTC. Here we see her waiting erotically for the Dundas streetcar, as only she can.

Expect some delays on the Centre Island ferry this week.

The #NHL's Cleveland Barons fired him for "eccentric spittoon maintenance". The Miami Screaming Eagles accused him of hoarding cotton batten. But now the #TorontoMapleLeafs are taking a chance on this periodontal pioneer. David Janssen is the EXPERIMENTAL HOCKEY DENTIST, now at the Imperial Six.

Tonite on MANNIX: Joe is proud of you.

Tonite on MANNIX: Joe's poor peripheral vision comes back to haunt him.

Mickey Rooney and Klaus Kinski, mis-matched cousins of Felix Unger and Oscar Madison, team up to avenge their deaths at the hands of a Belgian waffle serial killer in THE ODD COUPLE 2: DEATH OVER HOUTE-SI-PLOU, now playing at the Imperial Six.

It's that time of year when the city's consulates -- and the chatty foreigners within them -- hold their annual garage sales to rid themselves of Bakelite telegraph keys, medieval kettles or semaphore alphabet training films. Try some military cheese from the Prussian Legation on Pape!