Sad day, as Toronto's last invisible ink tattoo parlour, Inkconsequential, on Pape, closes its doors for the final time, a victim of the decline in discretion, and of a chronic lemon juice shortage.

A man (Lee Van Cleef). A woman (Lee Meriwether). Another man only peripherally involved (Singapore P.M. Lee Kuan Yew). A story of love, of heartache, and of alphabetical lists of names. It's THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH LEES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, now playing at the Imperial Six.

All of Willowdale is abuzz as their home-grown slush-tronaut, weatherman Ed 'Low Pressure' Premoisten, prepares to ascend to Earth orbit in his Hyperkite, a testament to man's ancient and debilitating impatience. Thanks to his fireproof slacks, we may finally learn where weather comes from. #NASA

In a very special #Easter issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask judgemental eyebrows actor Raymond Massey "who would you invite to YOUR Last Supper?".

I'll be the guest tonite of Toronto Sun curmudgeondary columnist & radio host Mërzitshëm J. Abernathy on his show WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE. His disdain for pound cake ("the devil's edible pillow") is well known. Barred from radio, he relies on a network of loudspeakers affixed to barber poles.

Expect some delays on Lakeshore Blvd. today.

In one of my 'total filmmaker' CHICK CHESTERFIELD: TORONTO DICK productions, I transformed a banal Leaside sawdust store into a mobster's swanky nightclub, just with some fire department flashlights. As director & star, I made audiences suspend disbelief, if not their narcolepsy.

Sad day, as Toronto's last men's legal ringette league, The Society of Gentlemen Practisers, founded by the late Dr. J.J. Milo Neuralgia of Pape Ave., is folding, a victim of the gangland seizure of the felt industry, and gymnasium floor polish allergies.

In the next issue of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine, we ask former Toronto Maple Leaf Carl Brewer "what are your top ten favourite liniments?". #torontomapleleafs

No more fitting day to ballyhoo my two #irish wolfhounds Islington & Ossington, seen here accompanied by their nonagenarian Hibernian nannies Céibhfhionn, Gormflaith and Odharnait. The two lads' prodigious output of urine and feces is highly revered in global fertilizer competitions. #stpatricksday

Chatelaine magazine fashion editor Thelma Sise delle Monache shows off her latest creation: the new #TTC vehicle operator's uniform, modelled here by recalcitrant and off-duty rail grinding car wheelman Chester Coxwell.

My #Hollywood spies tell me that the #Oscars rehearsal today spiralled into chaos after Bea Arthur insinuated that Peter Boyle's cummerbund was stuffed with pastrami.

Spots are still available at City Hall's #MarchBreak Camp. Programs include: Rotunda Hygiene; Be a Comptroller for a Day; Long-Shot Aldermanic Candidacy Tips; and Zoning as the Bulgarians Do. NOTE: All children will eventually get a balloon from Filibuster the Clown.

The members of the city's Wading Pool Temperature Committee risk wrinkly skin and/or boredom ensuring the water is 'just right', chlorine and public humiliation be damned. Their talented amanuensis, Jeremy Hopkin, has just published Vol. 17 of their minutes, ANKLES AWEIGH.

Well before #FDR started his famous radio 'fireside chats', I was the first leader to speak to his people via the new medium of 'Tell-o-Vision', propagated thru the experimental civic ether of static electricity. It only worked in winter, due to the electro-techno-logical power of cashmere.

Sad day, as Toronto's last Cockney rhyming slang school for air traffic controllers, Fish Finder Gin & Tonic, closes down, a victim of anti-British sentiment and too many bounced Gregory Pecks.

Capri? St. Tropez? Nope, it's Toronto's very own Tip Top Tailors Riviera! Here local captains of industry (e.g. shoehorn magnate T.T. Commissar) lounge on naugahyde-lined diamond dinghies, seemingly unmoved by the lurching movements of ferry-trapped nauseatics. Spring is in the air!!

All hail the tireless ladies of City Hall's Damp Winter Socks Evaporation & Freshening Bureau as their busy season winds down -- you're all on your own as of April 5! NOTE: to the man who sent in his Deluxe Edwardian velvet jacket and a matching cravat. SOCKS ONLY!!

Call it aesthetics. Call it ichthyology. Call it whatever you want. But when obsessed billionaire X. Z. Exacto (Ray Milland) wants to corner the global market on goldfish, he hires aquarium mop attendant Flip (Dub Taylor). TEN THOUSAND TINY BAGS OF WATER opens today at the Imperial Six.

At times like these, #Toronto needs a mayor who knows when not to be jaunty. I'm already the mayor, but I just wanted to make that point. Thank you.

Torn trousers. A bankruptcy at the novelty hand-buzzer factory. A multi-generational hatred of mittens. These are the stakes in madcap maestro Orson Welles' sequel THE AMBIDEXTROUS AMBERSONS. No one saw it coming, but you can see it going thru the projector at the Imperial Six!

With rising temperatures comes the unheralded return of objects lost in the snowbanks, now, like a slushy Phoenix, back to enchant us with their unfrozen allure. The City, in partnership with the #TTC and the Royal Ontario Museum, announces the exhibit DETRITUS & US. Take home an item if it's yours!

Toronto Sleepwalkers Club practise crossing a busy street.

Commuters should expect some delays on Eglinton as #TTC staff work out new route schedules. #Toronto

@talesofmoderation.bsky.social This is just a satire account.

My first on-screen appearance, in the 1932 melodrama EPAULETTES OR LOVE?, with my co-star, the vivacious but self-evidently bald Erma Poronkusema. Shot in the Leaside Sequins & Catapult Co. factory to save money, if not credibilty.

Are they paralyzed in fear? Or comfort? Gripped by an uncertain fate? Or by satisfying municipal efficiency? Chilled by what's to come? Or by the TTC's snazzy ventilation system? Find out Friday at the Imperial Six when Alfred Hitchcock's THE TAKING OF CHESTER 456 opens. Or does it???...

Join me tonite on my CBC radio phone-in show, when I accept mild criticism but then quickly move on to demolishing your arguments (with my guest, local egghead and book nut Northrop Frye) --- it's BE THAT AS IT MAY, at 7pm.

Lucky Torontonians line up at #TTC HQ to replace their soggy or slush-damaged subway or bus transfers for snappy new crisp ones.

Expect some delays today on the #TTC Dufferin bus.

Recently fired Avro Arrow jet test pilot Chip Nougat (Burton Cummings) is kidnapped by mysterious shoe wear thousandaire Dr. Adolf Molten (Harold Ballard) for a secret experiment that could end Canadian winter misery as we know it in ATOMIC GALOSHES, opening Friday at the Imperial Six.

Would Mrs. Ethel Bromide, owner of a 1944 Pantaloon Roadster, please advise her husband, currently parked outside the Pluto Cummerbund Factory, to cease boiling soup using the car's cigarette lighter.

City of #Toronto road salting teams will commence work in advance of this weekend's snow storm as soon as they free Geoff's truck keys from the ice.

Did a chicken once give him a dirty look?  Was the nog too potent that one Christmas? No one knows why Dirk Inverse (David Janssen) holds a grudge against poultry, but tonite he's pulling an OMELETTE STATION HEIST. With Clint Howard as getaway car driver Bud 'Bad Egg' Bazooka. At the Imperial Six.

If you people would just bring your own shovels to work as I asked you to, we'd all get home sooner today.

He's a proud cop, but his eyes are always fixed on the gutter, vigilant. Evil teeth marks, corrupt spit, rotted meal remnants -- all precious clues for Dan Blocker as he hunts his biggest prey: Fidel Castro (Jim Nabors) in SALIVA JOE, CIGAR BUTT DETECTIVE, now playing at the Imperial Six.

One of my top men, Chief City Detourist Harold 'Over There' Overton-Window, helpfully re-directs a pesky complainer away from my busy City Hall office, offering precise and tantalizing directions to the gin joints and Parcheesi parlours of University Ave.

Festivities already marginally out of control at my annual #newyearseve slosh-fest high atop the CNE Bulova Tower. Guests include prominent reeves and comptrollers, and if they keep drinking and pinching each other's bottoms like this, I'll have to switch 'em to Tahiti Treat and Twizzlers!!

City of Toronto's annual Bonfire of Used Kleenex postponed due to snowstorm.

NOTICE: City Hall will be operating with a skeleton staff over the #Christmas holidays, with only vital employees onsite, including Mr. Percy Wib, Escutcheoned Yeoman of the Rotunda, Mrs. Yvonne Squeets, Dance Marathon Nurse, and Mr. Skippy Whirl, Operator, Gazebo Hotline.

Don't miss my #Christmas special NAUGAHYDE & NOG tonite on CFTO-TV with Paul Anka and The L.C.B.O. Singers, Punch Imlach as Pontius Pilate singing Brenda Lee's I'M SORRY, Christmas Shoplifting Tales of Yore with Pierre Berton, & Hermione Baddeley and Hermione Gingold singing DON'T HERMIONE IF I DO.

NOTICE: City of Toronto garbage collection protocol changes for the post-#Christmas season. All cigar boxes must be stacked akimbo, as per the U.N. standard. Ladies' snoods must be gathered into a ball of at least 20 and affixed to your lawn with a spike or bayonet to prevent a tumbleweed situation.

We're closing the #TTC. Too many people. Stay behind the rope. Go home. #Christmas

Two of my top City Hall men, car-tographers Bosco Campari and Chet Pachinko, complete work adding several dozen dead end streets to central Toronto.

He's back!! Robert (Bob) Goulet is still the star of the @CBC series NIGHTSTAND, 'the private eye nearby'. Steve Nightstand solves mysteries involving objects misplaced within a 100-yard radius. Tonite, Steve uses a lasso to reach beyond his limit to retrieve the keys to Canada's only submarine.

In our very special #Christmas edition of General Hooray, Canada's only celebrity magazine (the first-ever issue printed in colour) we ask past-obsessed historian Pierre Berton to put aside his sideburns for a moment and answer this question: what's your point?

Don't miss the swansong performance of Leaside's last vaudeville duo, the mildly diverting Hornburger and Toops, tonite in the cafeteria at the old horse nitroglycerin factory on Wicksteed, where they've been entertaining the troops, and their descendants, since 1942.

I'm pleased to welcome delegates to the annual Men Who Have Never Seen Snow Convention. Here, deftly demonstrated to them is the concept of 'snow removal', i.e. though frustratingly random upon its descent, the flaky curse can be tamed. Gents are now heading for a slush lecture at the Warwick Hotel.

She's back and #Christmas better get the hell outta the way!! Ethel Merman returns to Toronto in her Yule-stravaganza JESUS H. CHRISTMAS, IT'S HOT IN HERE!, featuring her ex, Ernest Borgnine as the Ghost of Christmas Past Due, the Brass Girdle Orchestra & Ten Jack Lords-a-Leaping.

We're all TTC-elebrating the official opening of our newest subway station on the Yonge line, Price St., ending the unconscionable ride distance between Rosedale & Summerhill stations! We've put most of the budget into the billowing indoor Persian tapestries befitting the refined commuter of today!