I'm definitely the type of person who takes the long way home so I can listen to more songs.

iPhone in the evening: I'm gonna update your software tonight while you sleep. Phone the next morning: I couldn't do it, bro. It just didn't feel right. The vibe was off.

Good morning to everyone except the people for whom it's not morning.

Eye doctor: “One...” *switches lens* “Or two? Choose which is better. *switches lens again* One... Or two?” Me: *sweats nervously*

Back in the day, if you made a show called Surf Dracula, you would see him surfing every week in new adventures. In the streaming era, the entire first season would be a long flashback about how he got the surfboard, and you would finally see him surf for five minutes in the finale.

Drink water? You mean the stuff that killed Jack from *Titanic*? No, thank you. Have you seen what it did to the Grand Canyon? And you want me to put that in my body?

Cuttlefish are not fish. Starfish are not fish. Jellyfish are not fish. Silverfish are not fish. Shellfish are not fish. Seahorses are fish.

I bought a U2 GPS, but since the streets have no name, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. The Bonnie Tyler model keeps telling me to turn around, then proceeds to fall apart, while the Fleetwood Mac edition can only seem to tell me to go my own way.

My wife has requested that I stop calling the neutered male pets in our house “my council of eunuchs.”

Nothing on Earth lasts longer than a video someone is showing you on their phone that you have zero interest in.

Call me immature, but I still watch myself on store CCTV cameras.

Job postings always ask, “Do you want to work in a fast-paced, high-pressure environment?” What?! No. Not at all.

People say making friends as an adult is hard, but just ask someone about their favorite deep-sea creature. Everyone has one, and they are desperate to tell you about it.

Nobody sees the 4 AM workouts. Nobody sees me meal-prepping for hours every week. Nobody sees any of this. Because I don’t do those things.

I think someone should have tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that. We could be cuddled up with a bear right now, but whatever.

Do you ever get obsessed with just one part of a song, like one tiny little bar, but like that part that makes you need a whole song to be just that part? Or is it just me?

Why is wearing a hat, as someone who doesn’t usually wear hats, so difficult and humiliating? It feels like everyone can tell I don’t know what I’m doing.

Early humans really had to eat random mushrooms and sort them out by trial and error: “This one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian on the spot, and this one makes you think you've been hanging out with God.”

Calling it "Lunch and Learn" doesn't change the fact that you're asking me to work through my lunch hour.

Nervous about flying? Don’t be. As long as the 2 million parts in a plane work perfectly while traveling close to the speed of sound, with sharp metal blades rotating at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees, 7 miles above the Earth’s surface, you’ll be absolutely fine.

Alignment in 2016: Any real AI will obviously be built inside a Faraday cage, magnetically suspended in a 10×10×10 cube of telekill alloy. Alignment in 2026: It just told me Delaware has seven senators and asked whether I wanted that in APA format.

So, is “mac” in “macaroni and cheese” short for “macaroni,” or is it an acronym for “macaroni and cheese”?

Banana: I’m not ripe yet. Banana: I’m not ripe yet. Banana: I’m not ripe yet. Banana, whispering at 3:00 AM: ......I'm ripe...... Banana at 8:00 AM that morning: Hahaha, I’m rotten, boooooooy! Welcome to Brown Town.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Me: No. Judge: [Covers mic] What do I do?

Once you actually go outside and talk to normal people, you’ll realize that none of this social media stuff is real at all.

Friends outside of tech: “LOL, Copilot is dumb.” Friends in tech: “I bought iodine tablets, made an offer on upstate land, and have enough antibiotics and potable water. Now I just need to set up hydroponics to make it through the first few years.”

Villains always have PhDs. Dr. Doom, Dr. Octopus, Hannibal Lecter, and Dr. No. Even Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Evil. Meanwhile, the good guys usually stop at a master’s degree: Master Yoda, Master Splinter, Master Miyagi, Shifu, or Luke Skywalker himself. Graduate studies corrupt the soul.

Books are amazing because a stranger from 200 years ago can still emotionally ruin your afternoon.

I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That is still a very low number of rodeos.

Do you ever zone out, realize you’ve zoned out, and then feel too lazy to zone back in?

Is being an adult just repeatedly staring at a pill bottle in your hand like, “Did I already take this, or was I about to?”

If you don’t use fast-food napkins as Kleenex in your car, you must be in a completely different tax bracket.

Scene: Costume Party Host: What are you supposed to be? Me: A harp. Host: Your costume is too small to be a harp. Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

If I was accidentally weird to you once, just know I’ll think about it every night for the next 50 years.

NASA has been working on Artemis II for 9 years. I guess it took them a really long time to...... planet.

My reverse psychologist just started telling me about all his problems. I’m not sure why I pay this guy.

I’m deeply disgusted to discover that, in order to get good at something, I have to be bad at it first.

I had that dream again where I was a pterodactyl, but I couldn’t fly very well, and all the other pterodactyls called me “terribledactyl,” while the other dinosaurs laughed at me.

“To whom it may concern”: -Boring. -Cliché. -Devoid of meaning. “To whom it’s about to concern”: -Exciting. -Innovative. -A call to action.

I run every day for 20 minutes, and if I miss a day, I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game-changer. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to run for 4 months.

Why is "the chosen one" always a teenager? Are we really gonna put the fate of the universe on someone with an undeveloped prefrontal cortex? Give me a story with a chosen one who is a 42-year-old mom who has already seen it all and just can't even.

Someone out there has combined their degree in taxidermy with their bomb making skills, so now they can make you an otter you can't defuse.

Fifty years ago, if you wanted to see a picture of a raccoon, you either had to already have it or drive to a library. And a raccoon in a funny hat? Forget about it.

So, what you're telling me is that I have to leave my comfy bed to make money just so I can buy a bigger, more comfier bed? The whole system is a scam.

Clock Inventor: There will be 12 numbers on it. Friend: So the day will be divided into 12 segments? Inventor: No 24. Friend: So will the day start at 1? Inventor: The day will start at 12, which is at night. Friend: ... Inventor: The 6 means 30.

Me for the next 3 weeks: *looks at clock* It would have been 2 PM right now."

If we're not supposed to be snacking late at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Genie: What are your three wishes? Me: Make every word 4 letters long Gnie: Wish grnt Meee: Make evry word strt with "sa" Saie: Sash sant Saee: Snke sary sard sart sand sath "ns" Sans: Sans sans Sans: Sans sans sans Sans: Sans sans

It's weird how families randomly pick seats at the dinner table once and then stick to them for life.

*Feeding a baby before airplanes were invented* Here comes the spoon! If you'd like additional whimsy, you have to imagine it yourself.