I don't think younger people realize just how hard it is for Millennials of a certain age to refrain from posting song lyrics as cryptic emotional status updates.

I’ve started saying nonsense phrases at work, like “that’s neither cheese nor cheddar,” just to see my coworkers nod seriously as if they understand.

I left the toilet seat up yesterday, and at 2 AM this morning, it finally happened. #FoldedLikeALawnChair #ScariestMomentOf2026 #IKnockedEverythingOffEveryCounterOnMyWayDown #AllMyLifeIHadToFight #ForSomeReasonIYelledWhosInHereAsIWasFalling

Wife: Our space heater died. Me [trying not to panic]: The... the sun?!

Veterinary hospitals are strange when you really think about them. Imagine going to the doctor for a broken foot, seeing another sick person in the waiting room, and immediately getting into a fight with them.

[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper] Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast. How do you turn on the oven? Me: I'm up!

Wife: James, there's someone at the door. Me: Is it a penguin? Wife: What? Me: *banging my fist on the table* IS IT A PENGUIN?! Wife: I don’t... *looks out window* oh my gosh, it is! Me: *cocking shotgun* So it begins...

"RIP, Torn" -Rip Torn's tombstone, I guess.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve Dec 25: Christmas Day Dec 26: ... Dec 27-30: The Void... No one knows what day it is. Dec 31: New Year's Eve Jan 1: New Year's Day Jan 2: Reality Hits

An apparition appears in my room, alongside a more successful doppelgänger of myself. Apparition: And this is what you would be. Doppelgänger [sobbing]: Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I have learned my lesson! [Both vanish.] Me [wiping Cheeto dust off my face]: Hey, what the heck?

USPS Tracking: Step 1: We're not sure it even exists. Step 2: Delivered.

A palindrome is a word that reads the same forward and backward, such as Madam, Level, or Radar. An emordnilap is a word that forms a different valid word when spelled backward, such as Stressed and Desserts, or Evil and Live. Palindrome, spelled backward, is emordnilap. There you have it.

Hmm, should I spend two seconds clicking unsubscribe, or one second deleting an e-mail from this company every single day for the rest of my life?

Chat: I can’t. Email: I cannot. 3,000-word essay: I am unable to can.

There are children being born today whose parents weren't alive when Shrek (2001) came out. It's crazy how the years start comin', and they don't stop comin'.

Is the Grinch his name, his ethnicity, or his job?

I would walk 500 miles, but I don't think I’d walk 500 more. After the first 500, I wouldn’t be the man who’s still walking. I’d be the man who lies down and goes to sleep.

We’re only a couple of streaming mergers short of recreating basic cable.

You listen to cool music every day, but play Mambo No. 5 one time, and Spotify is like, "Your number one artist this year is Lou Bega. We told him you want to meet him."

Today is tomorrow's yesterday.

Is it just me, or does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore?

“Nah.” <- Everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2.

“Sorry for the delayed reply.” -Weak -Boring -Corporate “You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.” -Generous -Shows a passion for mindfulness -Chaos level 1000

Limited Time Black Friday Offer! Save 100% when you buy absolutely nothing.

The most confusing Star Wars film is Witness. Han Solo settling into Amish country? That planet isn’t anywhere in the franchise.

Children outside screaming is annoying, but for the greater good. Children need Outside Screaming Time for proper emotional development. It is an auditory burden I am willing to bear. The neighbor with his car, which he made louder on purpose: jail for the neighbor. Jail for ten thousand years.

She hadn’t dared make a milkshake in years. The risk was too great. Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender. The motor roared to life. From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts. The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.

I think Sisyphus would be a lot happier if there were a big counter at the top of the mountain that went up with every successful rock push, and if he could spend those points on fun stickers for the rock.

Ten years from now, you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself. Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of raiders.

Ah yes, it’s the time of year when people in commercials buy cars without telling their significant others like complete psychopaths.

Remember quarantine, when everyone was making bread, dancing, creating art, taking care of plants, and learning new, useful skills, and we got a small glimpse of what life is supposed to be like?

I made Colombian coffee and then poured in Irish cream, Italian sweet cream, and French vanilla. My coffee is more cultured than I am.

You can tell if it's cold outside if you go outside and it's cold.

Do you: Sock>Sock>Shoe>Shoe OR Sock>Shoe >Sock>Shoe?

Printers and computers treat each other like they broke up the night before, and you're their mutual friend.

Your horoscope for today: Aquarius - BATS! Aries - BATS! Cancer - No bats. Capricorn - BATS! Gemini - BATS! Leo - BATS! Libra - BATS! Pisces - BATS BUT THEY'RE ON FIRE! Sagittarius - LOUD BATS! Scorpio - MORE BATS! Taurus - BATS! Virgo - Keep your emotions in line today. Go for a walk!

I was visiting my parents, and they cooked a beef tenderloin. I said, “Man, Budapest is going to love this.” They asked who Budapest was. I said, “I named my stomach Budapest because it’s the capital of HUNGRY.” That’s when they stopped calling me son.

And just like that, the first real cold of the year arrived. Across Florida, a chorus of smoke detectors echoed through the morning as people everywhere awakened long-forgotten heaters, filling the air with the familiar scent of burning dust and the return of artificial warmth.

There are 21 million penguins in Antarctica, and the population of Ireland is 6.6 million. So if all the penguins in Antarctica decided to invade Ireland, each person would have to fight off over 3 million penguins.

Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet. Him: Don't you mean chick magne... *sounds of distant bawk-bawking* Me: We have to go. NOW!

Spider-Gran, Spider-Gran, Always calls you a sweet young man. Knits a web! Takes a nap! Her couch is covered in plastic wrap. Look out! Please call your Spider-Gran.

Me: And this is my house. Friend: What’s upstairs? Me [speaking slowly]: Stairs. Don't. Talk.

Judging by the sheer number of broken pottery fragments, the Roman Empire might have been the clumsiest civilization in history.

I feel like people putting “Student Driver” stickers on their cars is the new version of putting a fake service dog vest on your chihuahua so you can take it into Costco.

I can’t tell you how long that Trojan Horse would’ve sat outside my city gates. If it’s anything like my Amazon packages, I’d notice it three days later and say, "Oh, right, I should probably bring that in." The Greeks would have starved.

Let me get this straight. Eating cheese off a board is ‘classy’ and costs $17, but when I eat it straight from the fridge at 3 AM, I’m a ‘gremlin’?

The three hardest things to say: -I was wrong. -I need help. -Worcestershire… Worchestire… Worcheshire… you know, that sauce.

We’re so close to “let’s circle back next year” season, I can practically taste it.

The massive spider in my room is now named Cotton Eyed Joe because I want to know two things: -Where did he come from? -Where did he go?

I want to live like a minimalist, but I also want one in every color.