Scene: Costume Party Host: What are you supposed to be? Me: A harp. Host: Your costume is too small to be a harp. Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

If I was accidentally weird to you once, just know I’ll think about it every night for the next 50 years.

NASA has been working on Artemis II for 9 years. I guess it took them a really long time to...... planet.

My reverse psychologist just started telling me about all his problems. I’m not sure why I pay this guy.

I’m deeply disgusted to discover that, in order to get good at something, I have to be bad at it first.

I had that dream again where I was a pterodactyl, but I couldn’t fly very well, and all the other pterodactyls called me “terribledactyl,” while the other dinosaurs laughed at me.

“To whom it may concern”: -Boring. -Cliché. -Devoid of meaning. “To whom it’s about to concern”: -Exciting. -Innovative. -A call to action.

I run every day for 20 minutes, and if I miss a day, I add 20 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game-changer. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to run for 4 months.

Why is "the chosen one" always a teenager? Are we really gonna put the fate of the universe on someone with an undeveloped prefrontal cortex? Give me a story with a chosen one who is a 42-year-old mom who has already seen it all and just can't even.

Someone out there has combined their degree in taxidermy with their bomb making skills, so now they can make you an otter you can't defuse.

Fifty years ago, if you wanted to see a picture of a raccoon, you either had to already have it or drive to a library. And a raccoon in a funny hat? Forget about it.

So, what you're telling me is that I have to leave my comfy bed to make money just so I can buy a bigger, more comfier bed? The whole system is a scam.

Clock Inventor: There will be 12 numbers on it. Friend: So the day will be divided into 12 segments? Inventor: No 24. Friend: So will the day start at 1? Inventor: The day will start at 12, which is at night. Friend: ... Inventor: The 6 means 30.

Me for the next 3 weeks: *looks at clock* It would have been 2 PM right now."

If we're not supposed to be snacking late at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

Genie: What are your three wishes? Me: Make every word 4 letters long Gnie: Wish grnt Meee: Make evry word strt with "sa" Saie: Sash sant Saee: Snke sary sard sart sand sath "ns" Sans: Sans sans Sans: Sans sans sans Sans: Sans sans

It's weird how families randomly pick seats at the dinner table once and then stick to them for life.

*Feeding a baby before airplanes were invented* Here comes the spoon! If you'd like additional whimsy, you have to imagine it yourself.

How did "the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" become the typical sentence that contains all letters of the alphabet, and not "sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow," which is objectively a million times cooler?

My emotional support animal is a rotisserie chicken from Costco.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like we can't do this and everything is all wrong? Me: *sobbing* There's some good in this world, Mister Frodo, and it's worth fighting for. Therapist: *also sobbing* Yes...

I highly recommend letting people know you're capable of madness every now and then. Especially when you're the quiet, soft-spoken type. Sometimes disrespect needs to be met with disrespect. Let them know you can go from 0 to Thanos real quick.

I feel bad for that monkey, but I kinda need to focus on myself right now.

Fact of the Day: More than 3 years ago, the famous Roman emperor Julius Caesar passed away.

Parenting is 50% teaching your child that they can always trust you, and 50% looking them dead in the eye and saying they can't watch Paw Patrol because "the TV is broken until tomorrow."

Ordering grapefruit juice in public is a power move because it strongly implies you're not on any psychiatric medication.

Do you think the guy who coined the term 'one hit wonder' ever came up with any other popular phrases?

Each decade is defined by a zoo monkey. In 2016, there was Harambe, who cursed us with 10 years of bad fortune. And now there is Punch, who will bless us with 10 years of good fortune.

My 5-year-old asked, "Daddy, why do individuals fabricate juvenile utterances for social media dissemination? Is it not fundamentally duplicitous and symptomatic of a deficiency in autonomous narrative construction?"

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices, there's always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies.

After watching the Winter Olympics, I've decided swimming lacks life-or-death stakes. Starting with the Summer Games in Los Angeles in 2028, we should add a shark to the pool.

One of the easiest ways to tell whether a book is good is to take a quick look at the cover.

Wife [watching the news]: Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium. Me [covered in ink]: Maybe the squid was being a jerk!

Yeah, well, that's just like... my PhD, man.

Watching ancient Rome videos and all I can think about is some guy getting absolutely livid, then having to walk across Italy for months in sandals just to yell at someone. I can't even stay mad through lunch.

Sometimes the green sauce is spicier than the red, despite being the color of medicine or soothing jungle foliage. There is simply no adequate way to account for this.

Cars these days have too many gadgets. The other day, I put my car into reverse, and the screen played a video of somebody's car hitting a mailbox.

I’m sorry I’m late. I sat on my bed in a towel for 45 minutes, staring at the wall.

Every other Olympics should be hosted in the southern hemisphere so we can watch the Summer Games in the Winter, and the Winter Games in the summer.

Only a fool would buy IKEA furniture. Instead, I just download the instructions and keep emailing their service department to say that I am missing a piece, until they ship me all the pieces over a six-month period.

It’s wild that the most effective way to save something as a PDF is by telling your computer you’re about to print it.

Oz: Tin Man, you get a heart. Tin Man: Thanks! Oz: Lion, you get courage. Lion: Thanks. Oz: Scarecrow, you get a brain. Scarecrow: Thanks! Oz: And Dorothy gets to go home. I think that’s everyone. Toto: What about me? Oz: What do you want? Toto: Hmmm… bless the rains in Africa?

I’ve opened a can of worms. They’re just sitting there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I went out for a walk today and concluded that I would have died during Napoleon’s retreat from Russia.

From a young age, I knew my destiny was to use two-factor authentication to access fast-food reward points in an app.

I love ruining the plot of A Portrait of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

You will literally never find that e-mail you're looking for in Outlook.

“We’re not even close.” -Romans building Rome, end of day one.

Uncrustables are dumplings, change my mind.

I don't think younger people realize just how hard it is for Millennials of a certain age to refrain from posting song lyrics as cryptic emotional status updates.