I walked out to the kitchen, and one of the new developers had lined up six cups of coffee, all filled to the brim from the big machine. He looked at me, eyes wide, and asked, “Do you know how much coffee this thing makes?” I showed him how to use the carafe.

The cashier seemed pleased that I bagged my own groceries, until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I’d like you to do it.”

Dunkin' Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate-glazed donuts. Me, about to lose it: No, James, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Tried a CPAP for the first time last night, and it feels less like a game changer and more like discovering a whole new sport.

Do you ever cycle through the same four apps on your phone repeatedly and feel like a tiger pacing in its cage at the zoo? Asking for a friend.

After being around actual humans, I reminded myself I was normal, a couple of them were definitely less normal, no one wants me dead, and if anyone saw me spill Diet Coke on myself, they were polite enough not to mention it.

One of the most underrated benefits of having a cat is that you have another creature to share a confused look with when you hear a random loud noise in the middle of the night.

What I thought I would say as a parent: "You are going to change the world." What I actually say as a parent: "Stop drinking the bathwater."

The pancake mix is too thick. Add water. The pancake mix is too runny. Add mix. The pancake mix is too thick. Add water. Feed the family 120 pancakes.

I just watched a video of someone claiming they’ll “never buy garlic again” after finding this so-called “hack.” All they did was plant garlic in their backyard and let it grow. My guy, you didn’t invent a hack; you just rediscovered agriculture.

Me, when I’m broke: “When I get paid, I’m finally going to start saving. No unnecessary purchases this time. I mean it.” Me, when I get paid: “Amazon, do you sell swords for squirrels?”

Spoons are a species of bowl. Knives are a species of plate. Forks descend from a now-extinct dish that would be completely incomprehensible to the modern diner.

Just got the email [EXT] FW: RE: Internal Use Only (Internal) and the subject line looks like it survived three boss battles to reach me.

Mind your tone when you talk to me. I get preselected for credit card offers you couldn’t even imagine.

To Do List: Bite the hand that feeds me, put all my eggs in one basket, kill two birds with one stone, let the cat out of the bag, think inside the box, burn bridges, walk on thin ice, and play with fire…

Over the past months, I’ve been working my way through Isaac Asimov’s *Foundation* books. They’ve been interesting, but not exactly captivating. Then I started watching the *Foundation* TV series on Apple TV, and in my opinion, it’s one of those rare shows that actually enhances the source material.

The whole “I’ll deal with it in August” approach has officially collapsed in spectacular fashion.

Does anyone know where I can get it together? Amazon lists it, but it’s been backordered for months.

My doctor told me to try herbal tea to relax before bed. Sir, I haven’t unclenched my jaw in 2.3 years, but yes, let’s see if hot leaf water fixes it.

#HurricaneErin

Does anyone know what to do? Like, in general.

It’s amazing how many office buildings you can walk into and ride the elevator without anyone stopping you.

I’d like AI to track when my groceries are running low, search every flier and online source for the best prices, and handle the ordering so I get the best deals with the least stops or deliveries. I don’t need AI making pictures of me wrestling an alligator.

Car Insurance: $180 Cell Phone Plan: $150 Mortgage: $1,500 Pickles: $3,600 Utilities: $220 Someone who is good with money, please help me budget. My family is suffering.

Real talk, the fate of civilization might hinge on McDonald’s bringing back the Steak McSkillet Burrito.

If a Transformer died, could you still use its body as a regular car, respectfully, of course?

Her eyes were a luminous cerulean, like blue Gatorade, and her cheeks were suffused with a crimson glow, like red Gatorade. Her bearing was enigmatic yet invigorating, like yellow Gatorade, and her gown shimmered in the warm radiance of orange Gatorade.

Netflix will help you finish spelling the name of the movie you're looking for, only to then tell you they don't have it.

Kids these days are so spoiled. When I was their age, I didn’t have an “AI girlfriend.” I had a Victorian ghost with long black hair and a tattered white dress who would stand outside my window at night, silently beckoning me toward the lake.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work when you're at home? Me: I don't even think about work when I'm at work.

Computer: "Save this image as 785fjdi8773991ai092.png?" Me: "Yeah..."

I reject every cookie without hesitation. I have no clue what I’m doing, but I’m committed.

People who love camping always say, "Camping is so much fun!" and then immediately tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2:00 AM.

I feel so bad for that CEO's wife. Can you imagine finding out your husband was at a Coldplay concert?

Breaking News: Benson Boone got stuck mid-backflip and is now frozen on the ceiling, asking for help. Meanwhile, the firefighters are telling him everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about.

If Willy Wonka were a New Yorker, he'd be like, "Hey, I'm wonkin' here!"

Take the first three letters of “Sweden” and “Denmark” and you get “Sweden”; the rest spell “Denmark.”

Hello, and welcome to Chuck E. Cheese, where everything looks suspiciously unclean, our mascot is a giant rat, and your table is right next to a child in mid-sneeze. Enjoy your pizza.

My kid saw a poster for the Smurfs movie and asked me what the Smurfs are, and I started explaining that they’re blue guys who live in the forest, and then it hit me that I have absolutely no idea what their deal is beyond that.

Me: ... Instagram: You would be happier if you lived in a cavernous white adobe house with a single cactus in it. Me: As always, you are right, you invasive machine.

I'm now at the "let's play the lottery" stage of my retirement planning journey.

Not to blame the victims or anything, but Bruce Wayne’s parents did decide to cut through a neighborhood called Crime Alley while wearing fur coats and pearl necklaces.

Between "grey" and "gray," "grey" is the better spelling because "e" is a greyer letter than "a." No, I will not elaborate.

There should be a spot in Home Depot where a guy with a table saw cuts off whatever length of hot dog you want from an endless hot dog that’s constantly coming out of the wall.

Imagine being a giraffe with a sore throat and realizing it takes a whole roll of cough drops just to feel a little better.

Somewhere out there, someone is enjoying their final hours with all ten fingers… and just said, “Relax, I’ve been lighting fireworks since I was a kid.”

There's no reason car dealerships should still exist. I should be able to go to kia.com, pick out a Telluride, click "buy now," and split the payments with Klarna like it's just another online order.

“LMAO” has endured and even flourished over time, while its poor cousin “ROFL” has quietly slipped into obscurity. A tragic twist of fate.

When you're a leg bouncer and someone asks you to stop, it's like being told to sit still while your soul tries to escape through your knee.

Do you ever look at old photos of yourself and think, "I can’t believe people actually let me go out looking like that"? And then you glance in the mirror and realize, "Wow... It’s happening all over again."