I love how Trump, Noem & Lewandowski are treating Bad Bunny’s halftime show like it’s an underground show in Little Havana - just crawling with illegal immigrants. Of all the places I would suspect to be overrun by immigrants on 2/8/26 - the Super Bowl is on the bottom of that list.

“I have been asked many times about the life and times of Amelia Earhart”

I bet his wife has “fallen down the stairs” more times than he can count.

I had no idea that Charlie Kirk’s funeral was opening for Mötley Crüe.

Watching a podcaster’s funeral just raced to the top of the list of things I’ll never do.

Am I the only one who constantly thinks about the thoughts running through the heads of the people studying this period of American history in about 50 years? “In hindsight we probably should’ve/shouldn’t have” will be utter so fucking often.

No internet until you’re in college. Write a god damn paper by doing research at the library. With books. And microfiche.

How long until reruns of the blue collar comedy tour is our only option?

8 year old me - as my fellow students file in for the Xmas recital - knowing I don’t know any of the lyrics to a single god damn song & my entire family is filming the mother fucker.

This was supposed to be the low point of the inverted Belichick experiment bell curve.

Something about billionaires having more money & brown people potentially disappearing at a rate 14x greater than what’s already been taking place is making me feel like this is no longer a "government of the people, by the people, for the people"

My wife & kids left me for their pickleball coach.

Bo Jackson straight into the tunnel.

I honestly feel like Tuberville would be getting off easy with this.

Accurate depiction of what Trump is doing to the constitution.

Not. A. Cult.

It’s wild that when the history books are written there will be a mention of someone who chose being a Nazi over being with his family.

Moron Mamdani That’s my guess for the childish nickname Trump will give Zohran Mamdani. Of course it will be coupled with something culturally insensitive.

In the south we refer to this as “getting Paula Deaned”

Thinking about how nice it would be if I got sent to Norway for having a JD Vance meme on my phone.

When Costco puts a fresh batch of chicken bakes under the heat lamp.

Me: Hey buddy, you want to build some Legos? 3 year old:

“Haha I’m still young” I say as I read reviews of different bird seed blends

Ross Geller has endorsed Cuomo

From what I remember the United States is dangerously close to running out of fighter jets. Trump’s declaration of world peace couldn’t have come at a better time.

Iran: We’re not at war with the United States. We’re at war with their military facilities in the Middle East.

I am very concerned that I may get disappeared, because I also do not have a criminal record & am a citizen of the United States.

supporting guys like Schumer is a way for wealthy Americans who are actually republicans to maintain dem cred without voting against their own interests

Things a normal person does based on vibes: • Choose a restaurant • Listen to a song/artist • Get a pet • See a certain movie • Select a paint color • Engage with another human Things a megalomaniac does based on vibes: • Spend 1/4 of a billion god damn taxpayer dollars to bomb a fucking country

This guy comes up to me Face orange like a rose in a thorn bush Like all the colors of a royal flush And he's peeling off those dollar bills Slapping them down 1 hundred, 2 hundred And I can see those fighter planes And I can see those fighter planes ~ Outside is America Outside is America, America

Obliteration is an accurate term

Jake Paul

The three 20 somethings that I was behind leaving Costco earlier - each with an American flag, a mullet cut, a case of beer & talking about how they have swamp ass - were most likely on their way to a get together involving a scholarly discussion on how to MIGA.

We should’ve known something was up when Trump didn’t leave work early yesterday to golf.

Starting to feel like the rules don’t apply to everyone.

Trump, pissed about not getting a Nobel Peace Prize: Bombs Iran My toddler, pissed about not getting dessert (b/c he didn’t behave): Throws toys *they’re the same picture gif*

Iran trying to distract you from Los Angeles trying to distract you from Gaza trying to distract you from Russia trying to distract you from Greenland trying to distract you from Israel trying to distract you from Canada trying to distract you from Mexico trying to distract you from El Salvador tryi

If you tell me that part of your “getting ready for work” routine - as an officer of the law - is putting on a mask & switching license plates, you’re going to have a very hard time convincing me that you’re legally and honorably serving & protecting.

How would ICE know who to disappear if we all dressed like them?

“Damn, that was nearly it!!! Let’s run it back one more time. Zack, this time when you say ‘Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me’ I want to feel it & truly believe you’re not going to do what they tell you.”

The irony was not lost on him that he was using an Apple.

Her: You’re always on your fucking phone! Me:

Where would you like this rocket to end up: Space ❎ Land ✅

14 days… 14 words… Is there a correlation?

Kooky Tucker

Nashville #NoKings Now to figure out what to do with the huge pile of money that George Soros provided me today.

SPACEBALLS 2

Noem: DHS and its agencies, as well as the military, will continue to sustain and increase our operations in this city. We are not going away. Padilla: