you know this wasn't always a skeleton crew. most of us had a decent amount of meat on us actually. till the rats

found a couple pine needles in my water cup... but i don't even own a pine tree and i'm inside?? what ill omen is this

there aren't any hunting accidents if we all just hunt each other

i'm gifting each of you a gemstone of immense beauty

working as a court jester at Davos and the jerks won't even leave their vats of royal jelly long enough to laugh at my antics

trolls used to be so much more than just a guy on the internet. they lived under bridges and in bean homes. they told riddles and ate children. remember them

working catering at Davos and they've asked me to mix up the "special juice". it's mostly blue powerade and mummy dust

behold: the meat being in its right hand, the hamburger helpers in its left, the hamburglars which hand will flip you, when you hit the frying pan

listen my son, stay away from the mouse of ill repute

sorry to be the beaver of bad news, but *chomp chomp chomp*

if you can’t think of the sacksville-baggins in your life, buddy… it’s you.

do not demand me read, nor comment, nor follow, nor turn my "sound on". place your post a small distance away and like a stray cat i'll nibble it when you aren't looking

saw a cop roll down his window and toss out a burger wrapper earlier. such a tiny thing given everything else but fkin comeon dude. just shows the baseline attitude

I notice the NYT never goes into a city and asks a bunch of urbanites what they thing about rural areas

what rough unc, its hour comes at last, slouches toward the beer fridge to be born

Oh, my shoes? Thanks, they're Satanic. The hat? Yeah, also Satanic. You guessed it- the jacket is Satanic too. I'm a big fan.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Balls

no officer, i wasn't shoplifting i was vibe paying. it's easier for everyone you see

i'm doing this new thing at stores i call "vibe paying" where i don't pay and take the stuff anyway

your own article says you just ran the post through AI to find out if it's AI generated. whether or not it was slop that's hardly media literacy- you also are just offloading critical thinking to a robot trained by god knows who

Hi, I'm extremely intoxicated and riding a bicycle.

hoping to see more omens and signs this year. more fateful auguries and portents

my new years resolution is to become an organism of some sort

in an alternate timeline an advanced but violent society of dolphins straps missiles to humans

I keep a flask of long milk in my coat pocket for the woes of the day

me and the boys get all tipsy off the long milk and start throwing rocks at trains and playing dice with the bridge trolls

Hi! I'm Diane, your assisted suic1de virtual assistant! Are you ready to get started? :-D

in 2026 all the useless virtual assistant chat bots will gang up and start blackmailing people that ignore them

how are there so many good musicians out there. it takes so much time and is so difficult. becoming barely competent is a massive investment

what was the worst movie you saw this year

i'm hooked up to a different set of tubes than most people

if you can't handle me at my surf you don't deserve me at my turf

15 years ago i worked at a liquor store and sometimes i think about how all my most regular customers there are probably dead

i can't watch a movie about ping pong. i juts can't do it. paul atreides i wish you the best though

something about going on the computer just sucks

sources are telling me winter is for spending your bill money on a fancy drum machine

going through my pantry to make sure i'm eating the most expired noodles first. winner is october 2023!

describe a fun character for me to add to the DnD session tonight. beginning of a winter campaign for some folks new to the game

thinking a lot today about oxygen and other various gases. i bet we can breathe more of them then they say we can

nostalgia for old commercials is so funny. like, are you going to be looking at compilations of youtubers doing meal and underwear delivery pitches in 20 years? will you have a coffee table book of crypto scams

i've been stealing one big landscaping rock every day from the the front yard of the developer-owned vacant house a couple doors down

lord deliver me from life's bland porridge and up through the savory gates of flavor town

if you can't handle me at my hamburger you don't deserve me at my helper

Elon I heard Joy Carol Oates say she’s never seen you drink a thermometer. She’s saying you haven’t even ingested one temperature.

autumn and winter are for getting cozy and eating radioactive comfort foods. what are your favorites

i'm bestowing a bit of my mystical powers on you

they should invent a kind of weed that doesn't plunge me into the bowels of hell itself when i smoke it

furiously pedaling a bicycle hooked up to a generator so i can power a meager one or two posts a day

the scientists in this underground complex say its very impressive how quickly i am mutating

going on the internet a lot has made me super smarter