filling my pockets with poisonous leaves so if a monster eats me its tummy will hurt

out in the garden communing with the vegetables

in these uncertain times we should all be practicing with nunchucks and throwing stars daily

my bloomberg terminal is the west wind, telling me the ocean tide is rising. and that jellyfish are stinky when they are dying

there is a tiny chef in my head, cooking up gourmet thoughts but with spoiled ingredients

shot a package of hotdogs with a gun yesterday

bro you are such a complex organism. all these cells and systems... just wow

the new Alien show is good but it doesn't feel like the Alien universe. it's good as an independent thing that happens to include a xenomorph

i'm on a bread quest. i'm a wheat seeking missile

doctor i trust more than rfk junior

no i wasn't no hairy podder ass wizard. that's like the starbucks of magic schools. i'm self taught. also that lady sucks

i know my experience as a wizard isn't directly applicable to this job, but it helped me grow skills in hazardous materials handling and dealing with difficult customers. and cursing. and exploding things

how do you career transition to a trade like electrician from the arcane mysteries. i already know a little, my lightning spell damage is pretty good

do you think wizards ever quit. like, magic sucks i want to drive a semi truck

hi my name is Burger Tank and i'm impervious to jokes. you start up with that "knock knock" business and i'll be "who's there"

it's so cool they they are keeping the old cracker barrel logo style and just replacing the guy with greta thunberg

survival show narrator: the human body needs about four gallons of water a day under these conditions average coworker: i hate water but when it's this hot out i'll drink a gatorade in addition to my usual 3 cans of diet coke per day

wanna put me tender fart in a blender

looks like i need to work overtime today. at liking you and thinking you are great

being ground up and extruded as sausage would probably be great for back tension

what foods are actually healthy anyway? bby carrot? a flower? need to replace tortilla chips as the foundation of my food pyramid

as a kid i thought lasers in the future would be more exciting. like pew pew boom zing and not beep beep $80 is your total

if i made an appointment at the vet would they treat me. doctor is booked like 5 weeks out

it sucks that due to the price of swamp property being a hermit isn't really a viable career choice anymore. right after witches got priced out of the darkest forests too

trying to get some information off a site with an unclosable video thumbnail that you can pause, but follows you around

lowering myself delicately into the weekend like an egg into boiling water

science has been unable to explain how i can pee out five times the amount of liquid i consume every day

sorry i unwrapped all your snacks i needed the wrappers for my nest

at work for two hours and my boss has only refilled my water once today. didn't even replace the lemon wedge. say buhbye to your tip buddy

removing my brain and burying it in the forest to become part of the mycelium network

i hatched an egg and there was a cheeseburger inside

you could easily make a cat tower that would support humans. why haven't you done it already

call me a squirrel how i'm storing up nuts (food and coffee) for the winter (getting laid off)

killing me would grant very little XP. killing one hundred of me however... more difficult, but still very little XP

a gooner is just a baby goose

i have not idea how this site works. people say there may be features

sorry babe, we can't slam in the back of my Dragula until we get MARRIED

if someone "matches your freak" they are probably an alien trying to replace you

embezzlement is the cutest sounding crime. it sounds like putting sparkles on something or winning a prize. steal everything you can from your job

person visiting from the pancake dimension: crazy how hard it is here to get a good stack of pancakes

the reason the batteries in your remote are dead is because i keep rolling them around in my mouth like a spicy jolly rancher

drawing some ghosts

i love finding a new expensive beverage that tastes like dirt or damp basement. this is not a joke i love soot and mulch

in 2035 some tech company will release $20k glasses that make poor people and trash actually invisible. and that's fine I don't want those fucks to see me and my big sandwich

getting my brain replaced with a wheel of delicious cheese tomorrow

you know, the internet does largely suck now but a good compilation of funny cat videos still hits

why are so many of the best foods stinky

not fair that the only character we get to play is just a mashup of our parents ability scores and some random crap out of their inventory