lord deliver me from life's bland porridge and up through the savory gates of flavor town

if you can't handle me at my hamburger you don't deserve me at my helper

Elon I heard Joy Carol Oates say she’s never seen you drink a thermometer. She’s saying you haven’t even ingested one temperature.

autumn and winter are for getting cozy and eating radioactive comfort foods. what are your favorites

i'm bestowing a bit of my mystical powers on you

they should invent a kind of weed that doesn't plunge me into the bowels of hell itself when i smoke it

furiously pedaling a bicycle hooked up to a generator so i can power a meager one or two posts a day

the scientists in this underground complex say its very impressive how quickly i am mutating

going on the internet a lot has made me super smarter

Nickleback is just the stage name of Nickleheimer Backilucci

if you were a cheese you'd be a soft cheese [affectionate]

under capitalism the Very Hungry Caterpillar would have been paying off all that food for its entire butterfly life

everyboby being really insensitive rn think of how his sister vagina cheney feel

if one of my dumb jokes gets a bunch of dislikes i'll be so sad. my little heart can't take it

some people call me the space dracula. some people call me the gangster of blood

do kids even eat tootsie rolls anymore. do they exist. i remember my halloween candy being about 50% tootsie rolls

Post a perfect album from the 90’s that isn’t Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden or Alice In Chains.

some people call me the space dracula. some people call me the gangster of blood

only dracula can judge me

i watched all six final destination movies last week. and you know what? accidents happen. i am NOT living in fear of my microwave

glad i could help. i'm on a journey to make Waterworld (1995) real by leaving public sinks and faucets running

i'm honestly not convinced a dog could play basketball. seems like an exaggerated claim

i've been voted impish clown of the year for three years running by "The Association", whoever they are

one day the world will be consumed by the pumpkin eternal, which then shall rot and spread us as slimy seeds to the unknown boundaries of the firmament

boo! frankenstein

SmellGPT is getting so good bro. can't even tell the difference from real farts. chili farts? dead on. kale farts are a bit tangy but almost there. i asked it to make a dinosaur fart and my buddy thought a farting dinosaur was in the room

guy who is mad there isn't an equal amount of Encyclopedia White books

hey it's me Metallica Jones from the band "Metallica"

watching the microwave count down so i can beep right before it does

after the corporate robot dogs execute us we'll get a "How did we do?" survey email

got a lobotomy and they let me take home the lobes in a ziplock

did you know that it takes 27 gallons of water and 16 factory farmed newts to produce a single mana potion

not very thirsty. must be rabies

babe, here take this shovel it's time for us to start our new life underground digging tunnels

sorry, hang on a sec i'm in the middle of eating a customer

wow all of us people on the internet got old at the same time didn't we

reminder to avoid any smart house devices because most recent consumer tech at best barely works and at worst is one stray cosmic ray away from incinerating you while you sleep

Why exactly would someone want to "ride into the danger zone" ? Its dangerous, says right there in the name.

sometimes god gives the spiciest peppers to the sauciest soldiers

we all end up eating the pickle we brined for ourselves eventually

i am one hundred thousand apples tall and have a face the angels hide from in horror

seems like all the other ghosts get to haunt a giant victorian mansion and here i am behind the dairy queen just startling delivery drivers

no no this isn't a "meat" locker it's a "meet" locker. there is a new friend in there for you. a nicely refrigerated friend. why don't you go see them

they are nominating you for the Nobel Penis Prize

me: what are some good espresso cookie recipes chatgpt: HERE IS A COMPARISON OF THE TOP TEN ESPRESSO MACHINES AT WALMART me: no i need a cookie recipe chatgpt: GOT IT, I'VE AUTOFILLED YOUR PAYMENT INFORMATION AND ORDERED 8000 ESPRESSO MACHINES FROM WALMART

i'm the one paying the protesters to be there. paying them each with a sweet little kiss

i went away for two weeks and when i left it was hot and now it is cold. how does that work. aren't places on pause when i'm not there

a frog is wearing me as a person costume and dancing gleefully at a line of frog police

Every time you smile the world goes into bullet time

We should start calling them “kinetic shitposts” to differentiate them from bog standard stochastic terrorism. Not a phrase I ever thought I’d come up with but hey it’s 2025 we can live a little.