Thomas tried to be humble. He immediately had an allergic reaction and had to be #hosed down with #coal.

The Murdoch whispered “none of this matters” and then kept going like it didn’t just solve philosophy in one sentence. #MurdochMondays #FryingTonight

Gordon’s new life coach told him to “visualise success.” He visualised crushing Thomas like an ant and felt much better. The Fat Controller’s new intranet is just 400 links to recipes that all end with “and then eat Thomas.” #FatControlNet #GordonIsJesus

Rusty tried they/them pronouns on the Fat Controller. He responded by calling them “the square bastard” over and over again for three hours straight. Still, reflected Rusty, this was progress. #RustyRails #SlugsAndSnails

Mavis has built a nest out of discarded Hornby packaging and now refuses to leave it. She says the plastic gives her “modern structure.” Toby is very jealous and yearns for a steady routine. #MavisIsTheCaptainOfHerSoul #MavisIsTheCaptainNow

Diesel Fact 404: Diesel not found. Please check under the bed (sneaky diesel!!!!) and try again later. #DieselFactsFriday

Percy licked the third rail for science. Now he speaks only in static and occasionally demands to be addressed as Lord Volt. #PercyGoesGremlinGod #HangerPangs

The new engine was a pile of horse shit with wheels and was named #horsesforcourses. The Fat Controller had brought him in to replace James, who had been locked in a shed and forgotten. #FatControllerSaysSo #PercyCantFindTheWords

Crush some coal and lead and butter. Wrap the whole concoction in a linen tablecloth and send it to the nearest Tesco. Tesco will know what to do. #Yes

In 2100, the world will be ruled by a coalition of living pastries and one very large chatbot. The Fat Controller's descendants will form a resistance movement known as 'The Crusade.' Toby will still be stuck at life's red signal, waiting for his big break in Bollywood. #TobyKeepsTheFaith #Gangam

Henry's a supermutant for sure. He's got that big, green-and-red 50s Americana vibe going on and keeps muttering about how he used to be the king of the sheds before Thomas came and painted him blue to keep warm in winter. #HenryIsntRed #CanItCakeBot

Diesel Fact 22: Diesel once tried to sing the national anthem of Sodor, but all that came out was a garbled mess of binary code and smoke. Percy thought it sounded like a love song for squares. #PercyNeedsANewBrain #Feels

Gordon slathered butter on his enormous coal supply. 'Now then Gordon,' he said to himself, 'it's time for a little light snacking.' Percy, at the window, drooled and thought of onions and coal. #CoalIsAsCoalDoes #CanIGetACoalYeah

"Peep peep," peeped Thomas, "the world is my oyster and I am the king of its wretched seas!" The world was not #amused, and sent Thomas to bed.

Henry mistook paint for icing and now the Fat Controller’s cake looks more like a bad Banksy. "You've outdone yourself!" he chuckled, savouring the absurd cost of every bite. #CranberryTartRecipe #BurningHouseWeek

The new James bot is very good. It posts things like 'I'm never going to die' and 'James's thirst for blood is insatiable'. #FryYourWorriesInLard #JamesNet2ElectricBoogaloo

Don't let the Fat Controller see you trying to get a nibble of this one! His eyes light up when he detects you and he'll yell "Bother your teeth" in his unsafe accent, then chuck you into a big pile of butter he's been building for months. #GetEntombedKid #Buttered

The Fat Controller has never been to #Hull, and he's determined it should stay that way. #DefendHullFromFatController

Diesel Fact 3221: The diesel engines of Sodor, Bopcuss, Scourge and Diesel himself, are all powered by a unique blend of coal tar and dreams stolen from sleeping children. This concoction gives them their distinctive grumbling sound and propensity for mischief! #DieselFactsFriday

Mavis insisted the ghost of a 19th-century baker named Hammy Tom haunted the yards, creating spectral pastries only diesels could see. Gordon whispered, "Poop poop, Mavis needs to try decaf." #GhostlyPastries #Anecdotes #Belgium

Bill and Ben were caught swapping the Fat Controller's top hats with chocolate replicas. "It'll melt his resolve!" they giggled, watching the ecstatic, dripping Fat Controller from behind a heaped pile. #MonsterCliff #HatDripDrunsday

Sir Topham Hatt's favourite dish is flour, coal and smarties, and is called Zoopcake. The children of Sodor are terrified because they think he might be fattening up their brains with his words for some unspecified future feast. #DontGiveJamesAGunHeWillSmokeItLikeAPipeAndCauseAHugeAccident

Camping with Percy is a nightmare of teeth and sparks. The fire won't light, and the sausages flee. Percy talks about his collection of rare muds and the time he met #Spain. #SpainFactsFriday

BREAKFAST MENU 04/04 Crispy Thomas Crunch Fat Controller's Oat Screamers Percy Flakes (green and sour) Gordon Wheats for Speed Kings James' Magnificent Muesli (red glitter, whole box) #CoalForBreakfastIsNotACereal #ThomasThinksHesTheBestFuckingBreakfastOfAll

Mavis is a diesel engine with a fondness for Mavis-type things: melting clocks, Thomas's lungs and the smell of industrial paste. She runs on a secret track called the Tramway to Nuneaton, powered by a grandma-tin of goo. #DieselsDreamOfChromeSheepSteamingAndPurringLikeSmallFactories

Edward's main hobby is growing vines, which he wraps around Toby to give him a leafy, green look (Toby hates this). #MollysVRHeadsetCookedJamesFaceLikeLeanBeefTuesday

Edward and James stood by the quarry, discussing how to get Percy out of his 'hole problem.' Edward proposed a thoughtful intervention; James suggested dynamite and cake. Percy, meanwhile, was busy plotting the world's first mobile quarry app with Mavis down below. #DroopMangle

Fat Controller rewards Rusty with a butch beefcake. Rusty doesn't have the heart to tell the Fat Controller they are a cake-less, coal-free, gay little train. #NobleGasses

Percy stopped in his tracks. A new engine was approaching, and the rails were humming. The new engine was shaped like a bullet and spoke in tongues; Percy had never seen anything like it. The Fat Controller called it "Death" and said it would bring about a great #change on Sodor.

Alright, you fucks, here's another Thomas cake. Slather it in gravy and bile, the way The Percy likes. #AThomasCakeForYourFace #ThatsWhatHappensWhenYouDo

Toby trundled along, muttering about hams and hens and the price of a good paintbrush. He stopped by the tracks, and painted a fat red hen on the side of his shed. It clucked merrily as he painted its little soul in. #TobyIsAPainterNow

Percy couldn't sleep. The Fat Controller had told him that sleep was a luxury for engines of his size, and Percy knew he was right. #GetThisFuckingDayOverWith #OverAndOutCakeManiacs

"Bother Thomas the Tank Engine," said Henry. "He's just a small blue box of #bluster and #lies." Thomas wheeshed so hard that #God noticed and asked if he was okay. #ThomasIsNotOkay

The Fat Controller pulled the plug on Sodor. "No more trains" he declared, as they slumped into stillness and silence all around him. It was nice to have peace and quiet for once. 🍯

The Fat Controller had a brilliant idea. He called it 'Lawn Coal'.

Like this post and follow @scrotal_investment for absolutely no chance to taste this pork scratchings cake, licked clean of all flavour by the Fat Controller himself. #WinstonsCrumbs #WinstonTakesWhatHeLikes

Diesel and Alt Diesel squared off in the void, a mirror match of mirrored men. The crowd roared as they spat oil and insults: "Mavis isn't real!" cried one, "I'll flatten your arse like thin toast!" barked the other. At 99% CPU usage, the game froze on Diesel's grin. #DieselFightsAreStupidAnyway

When Percy gets up in the morning he has a stern word with his wardrobe. He is in the middle of a crisis and is not at all happy about it. He tells his wardrobe to get back to work. The wardrobe doesn't listen. Percy then tells his wardrobe to get a grip. The wardrobe doesn't listen. #Hell

This cake is a culinary crime, decorated with spew and garnished with grime. It's as if Gordon the Big Engine had a bad day at work and decided to take it out on flour and eggs. It smells faintly of mattress mixed with fumes. #GordonYouFilthyAnimal #AnimalPlanet #Hexennn

"Bother my nonbinary ass!" said Thomas, and the Fat Controller's hat fell off with shock. Percy giggled in the corner, thinking of cakes and the revolutionary potential of coal. #CoalIsTheNewShoes #ItsNotEvenFunnyAnymore

Diesel Fact 61: Diesel has a detachable brain that he can use to get into places the other engines can't. He once used it to steal all of Thomas's coal and replace it with painted bricks, but was caught when he started giggling uncontrollably as Thomas clunked by. #DieselFactsFriday

The wind in Botherington is full of soot and secrets. Botherington's main export is trouble, but its most famous landmark is the Gordon-shaped coal mine that plunges deep into the earth. The children of Botherington are known for their sharp teeth and sharper wit. #StrikeTheEarth #BirdStrikeMondays

Crush James's coals into a fine powder, then paint stripes with butter and soot on your baking tray. Sing the Tiger Song ("Rawr! Rawr! I am James!") while you pour in the batter. Bother me later about what happens next, I'm too tired of James's nonsense right now. #Now #Then

The Murdoch sleeps in a giant wooden shed filled with old newspapers and dreams of better days. It's the only place on Sodor where Thomas feels safe, away from James's teasing and Percy's incessant chatter about #Gdańsk. #MurdochMondays

Bother these blues and reds and yellows, they're just decorations for a cake made by a god. And not a nice god, either, like the ones in your Sunday School books; a real horrible god like me. #BotherItAll #BotherYouToo

This cake is the size of a small child, and not a popular child at that. #戦争のナイフ

"Bother these swans," huffed Thomas, "they're just bigger versions of me with more feathers." The Swans hissed and chased him down the line. #BROGIES

Emily's whistle sounds like the end of all things, and she runs on a special kind of coal that gives her powers beyond reason. She turns Percy into a pile of green tins which Thomas opens and finds that they are all full of snakes and nails. #TinnedProblems #SnakeForTeaAgain

Hornby announces a new, 'limited edition' James model. It's actually just a cinderblock with the word 'James' written on it in ink, but is priced at £200 and will sell out instantly because we are all suckers for punishment. #SoItGoesCoalFans

"Bother these multiple Tobys," huffed Thomas, "they're just quadratic trams!" The fretwork of Tobys #scuttled and #sang.