just ordered a steak dinner at Dave & Buster’s. thank you for tuning in for “Rock Bottom with Cool Hand Luka”

by far the best decision my town made was using the Law & Order font for all the municipal building signage

After coaching tonight’s Little League game, one of my players said he wants to be a coach just like me. I was in shock. Wiping a tear from my eye, I told him that our city and Little League Baseball Inc. would be out of their goddamn minds to allow a six year old to coach.

to my son who just excitedly quipped his sister is like a “built-in car horn” while I forced her into her car seat mid-meltdown: excellent joke, but maybe now isn’t the time

“Why is it called Mother’s Day? Why don’t they call it ‘Gummum Day?’” - my kindergartner, finally showing the courage to ask the hard-hitting questions

I identify as ChatGPTQ because I’m constantly Questioning the intelligence of people who use ChatGPT

my “2026 World Drivers Champion Oscar Piastri” preseason prediction doesn’t look so foolish anymore, does it?

at a science fair and I found the most honest hypothesis in the scientific method’s 3500-year history

finally, a Texan who gets it

now driving through White Settlement, Texas, a town with what I assume is a very innocuous name

a cool feature of Texas architecture is that every single house has the Lone Star featured somewhere on it this serves as a way for residents to communicate to their neighbors, “I also live here in Texas, just like you”

at the NCAA Women’s Gymnastics Championships with my gymnastics-obsessed wife “men could do all of this better if they wanted to,” I seethe fatly as I take another sip from my 24oz beer

call ‘em Walter and Jesse because they’re growing crystals

I’d say my daughter’s bedtime routine is going well

Issaquah Arco,,, welcome to the resistance

hmu if you wanna split the Kansas City Great Wolf Lodge’s ranch milkshake with me

If you’re cold, your town’s pioneering entrepreneurs are cold. Bring them inside.

heading to St. Louis for a work thing, hit me with your top arches I should check out

heading to an elementary school talent show

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my energy waffle

finally, a place to buy shoes like the ones they have on Broadway, a street most famous for its shoe shopping

shoutout to the couple enjoying dinner in a Costco aisle (?) while sitting in the display office chairs (??) and putting their hot dogs directly atop the products on the shelf (???)

carving jack-o-lanterns with two kids who are *very* particular about their designs while I have a sinus infection, what could possibly go wrong

go Mariners, if you ask me

we’re scrimmaging, bitches

I’m not saying Jane Goodall fucked the chimps, but I *do* assume she could objectively recognize which ones were the sexy ones

meet me at the Costco corporate offices if you want an ass kicking

my son held up this tortilla and said “wow, this looks just like Dad’s back!” and it’s unquestionably the hardest I’ve ever been owned

I helped my kids clean their rooms the other day while we listened to some rock playlist. I left the room for a couple minutes while the playlist was going and uh long story short my kids are diehard System of a Down fans now

Come to the Redmond Derby Days bike parade if you want to get your ass kicked in front of a thousand horrified children

been in Kansas for less than an hour and my brother is already peeing off the highway in a field of tall grass, talk about tapping into your roots

shoutout to the, uh, “forward-thinking” strip club employee who gave my kindergartner a baseball outside the Mariners game

Once again, I foolishly believed my kids when they told me they were starving. Lmk if anyone wants half of a fish sandwich or most of a hot dog

Killer road trip to @taylorshellfish.bsky.social with my dad and son today. 90° and nary a cloud in the sky. Kid ate 9 oysters, 3 geoducks, and a comical amount of ice cream. Poor bastard is gonna have the gnarliest shits tonight.

Either Spitz just introduced jumbo size bags of dill pickle seeds, or the jumbo size bags of dill pickle seeds finally made their way to Seattle. In either case, my spirits are soaring as high as my sodium levels.

Elon’s ketamine guy is about to become the second-richest person in the world

[Dos Equis guy voice] I don’t always cook dinner, but when I do, it takes way longer than it should

helluva day for strawberry picking

going to the tide pools today and I’m fully expecting to get so swept up in the excitement that I’ll neglect my children at some point

My son’s preschool class brought home butterfly kits with two caterpillars in each kit. Pretty much every kid’s caterpillars liquified within days, so all the parents got to have fun conversations about death.

sir are you implying you fucked my dog?

In addition to being a fantastic actor, I think Jim Beaver deserves a ton of credit for looking like his last name

all three are higher in antioxidants and dietary fiber than you might think!

there’s being online-pilled, and then there’s announcing to all your facebook friends that your grandpa was killed by his rotting dick

at a timeshare presentation, how many should I buy?

New driver, huh? Never would’ve guessed.

Saw a dead bald eagle on the freeway while I drove to work, and I must say it feels a little too on-the-nose

Oscar Piastri is such a demon

My son’s preschool class has “science class,” in which they learn cute little science lessons. Next week’s science class theme is “Pirate Week.” I’m beginning to question the scientific legitimacy of science class.

time for the semi-annual Post About Me™️: Having spent a lot of my 20s doing nonprofit work and jumping to the corporate sector late, I always felt like I was one (or multiple) step behind where I should be in my career. At every job, I was 5-10 years older than my peers.