heading to St. Louis for a work thing, hit me with your top arches I should check out

heading to an elementary school talent show

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my energy waffle

finally, a place to buy shoes like the ones they have on Broadway, a street most famous for its shoe shopping

shoutout to the couple enjoying dinner in a Costco aisle (?) while sitting in the display office chairs (??) and putting their hot dogs directly atop the products on the shelf (???)

carving jack-o-lanterns with two kids who are *very* particular about their designs while I have a sinus infection, what could possibly go wrong

go Mariners, if you ask me

we’re scrimmaging, bitches

I’m not saying Jane Goodall fucked the chimps, but I *do* assume she could objectively recognize which ones were the sexy ones

meet me at the Costco corporate offices if you want an ass kicking

my son held up this tortilla and said “wow, this looks just like Dad’s back!” and it’s unquestionably the hardest I’ve ever been owned

I helped my kids clean their rooms the other day while we listened to some rock playlist. I left the room for a couple minutes while the playlist was going and uh long story short my kids are diehard System of a Down fans now

Come to the Redmond Derby Days bike parade if you want to get your ass kicked in front of a thousand horrified children

been in Kansas for less than an hour and my brother is already peeing off the highway in a field of tall grass, talk about tapping into your roots

shoutout to the, uh, “forward-thinking” strip club employee who gave my kindergartner a baseball outside the Mariners game

Once again, I foolishly believed my kids when they told me they were starving. Lmk if anyone wants half of a fish sandwich or most of a hot dog

Killer road trip to @taylorshellfish.bsky.social with my dad and son today. 90° and nary a cloud in the sky. Kid ate 9 oysters, 3 geoducks, and a comical amount of ice cream. Poor bastard is gonna have the gnarliest shits tonight.

Either Spitz just introduced jumbo size bags of dill pickle seeds, or the jumbo size bags of dill pickle seeds finally made their way to Seattle. In either case, my spirits are soaring as high as my sodium levels.

Elon’s ketamine guy is about to become the second-richest person in the world

[Dos Equis guy voice] I don’t always cook dinner, but when I do, it takes way longer than it should

helluva day for strawberry picking

going to the tide pools today and I’m fully expecting to get so swept up in the excitement that I’ll neglect my children at some point

My son’s preschool class brought home butterfly kits with two caterpillars in each kit. Pretty much every kid’s caterpillars liquified within days, so all the parents got to have fun conversations about death.

sir are you implying you fucked my dog?

In addition to being a fantastic actor, I think Jim Beaver deserves a ton of credit for looking like his last name

all three are higher in antioxidants and dietary fiber than you might think!

there’s being online-pilled, and then there’s announcing to all your facebook friends that your grandpa was killed by his rotting dick

at a timeshare presentation, how many should I buy?

New driver, huh? Never would’ve guessed.

Saw a dead bald eagle on the freeway while I drove to work, and I must say it feels a little too on-the-nose

Oscar Piastri is such a demon

My son’s preschool class has “science class,” in which they learn cute little science lessons. Next week’s science class theme is “Pirate Week.” I’m beginning to question the scientific legitimacy of science class.

time for the semi-annual Post About Me™️: Having spent a lot of my 20s doing nonprofit work and jumping to the corporate sector late, I always felt like I was one (or multiple) step behind where I should be in my career. At every job, I was 5-10 years older than my peers.

“And you know what? Canada doesn’t need a Conservative Party anyway. They’re going to become the 51st state and then they’ll join my administration” - Trump tomorrow to the corpse of Laura Loomer, who unfortunately passed in the Lincoln Bedroom two days ago without him noticing

The world’s top comedy minds could not have scripted a funnier conclusion to the Shedeur Sanders debacle than the Browns panicking and trading up in the 5th round to take him as their second QB in the draft

this waterslide in Malaysia is the world’s second-longest slide, trailing only Shedeur Sanders

at the Pasadena Target where I saw Michael Rooker in 2015, lmk if you need me to grab you anything

riding Legoland’s Elon ride

my son fighting the male urge to go all Godzilla through Lego San Diego

I was at a wedding and the groom’s sister was called up for her speech. She said “I did t know what to say so I had ChatGPT write this” and I thought “why not just tell him you don’t love him?”

the best way I can describe Bluesky is that there are two types of users: fans of Crash (1996), and fans of Crash (2004)

No California trip is complete without a beach day 🏖️

The Pope’s death proves something we’ve long expected: one brief meeting with JD Vance is enough to make a person lose the will to live.

*steps on soapbox* this is why Jelly Bellies are horseshit. I shouldn’t have to delicately ponder each individual bean. I should be able to mash a handful in my mouth like a child without consulting a chart to be sure I don’t mix popcorn and watermelon and cinnamon

Some Jelly Belly food scientist with a PhD masterfully formulated each distinct flavor, artificially creating tastes previously thought impossible, only for my son to throw them into his mouth nine at a time

We came all the way to California and ended up at a playground, a thing we have billions of in Seattle. Make it make sense.

The Dallas Mavericks played an NBA Finals game 303 days ago. Think of how many lifetimes Mavs fans have lived in those 303 days.

shoutout to the guy at Sea-Tac Airport wearing a shirt that says “THE ONLY THING I LOVE MORE THAN READING BOOKS IS FUCKING”