TOP 5 WORST PRISON SONGS: 5. Toys in the Attica 4. Frankly, Mr. Shank Me 3. You Can Call Me Alcatraz 2. TIE: Folsom Sugar On Me/ Guantanamora 1. Shawshank Redemption Song #Top5Worst

Came very close to getting scammed for a lot of money yesterday. Be careful out there—it’s not the first time my kids have done this.

TOP 5 WORST POLITICAL SINGERS: 5. Vance Morrison 4. Englebert Trumperdinck 3. Mamdani Osmond 2. TIE: Lindsey BuckinGraham / Mike HuckaBeeGees 1. Un Direction #top5worst

I think the strangest Christmas movie is probably “It’s a Wonderful Life is Beautiful,” where Mr. Potter gets sent to a death camp and Roberto Benigni tries to make him laugh.

At first, I was pretty distressed when my doctor told me I had a wart, but then she assured me it was a gentle one.

Nothing in my life is more bittersweet than being entitled to the Thursday senior’s discount at Shopper’s Drug Mart.

This seems good. More of this. Now if we can just get those currently serving in all branches of the military to do the same…

“Last night, the 2030 Grammy Awards were hosted by Jimmy Fallon and Sarah Jessica Parker.”

TOP 5 WORST POET AILMENTS: 5. Robert Frostbite 4. Tennyson Elbow 3. Edna St. Vincent Malaise 2: TIE: Edgar Allan Polio / Shellshock Silverstein 1. Rumitism

Accidentally put sonar panels on my roof, which does nothing for our hydro bill, but we can detect a German U-boat at 1100 meters.

This is a terrible 1-2 punch. Insult to injury for us Jays fans.

Just noticed that Davis Schneider uses bats made just a few minutes from my house here in Mississippi Mills, Ontario. SamBat also happens to be my personal bat of choice, so, in a sense, I played a small part in that first pitch dinger tonight. Or whatever.

I DID NOT KNOW THIS: Each year, on the Sunday after the first ecclesiastical full moon that occurs on or after March 21st, many celebrate Yeaster, commemorating that time long ago when cheeses first rose from the bread. But in tony Orlando, at dawn, some folks celebrate what they call Candida Day.

The "hard-men" of Gondor were getting their shit kicked in until they were rescued by foreigners and a girl. The Shire was doing fine until they let a fascist demagogue ("Sharkey" aka Saruman) take over, close the gates, impose a bunch of thug-enforced rules, and despoil nature for profit.

A great series so far. Love seeing opposing players interact with respect & joy, like they’re actually having fun whilst competing like hell. Losing team should lineup on the field & shake the winners’ hands instead of disappearing into the clubhouse like sore losers. NHL does it right. #WorldSeries

I DID NOT KNOW THIS: The name Sally is short for Salamander.

I’ll sing the goddamn Canadian national anthem at the game tonight. At least I know the song.

You hold him at third there, Jesus Christ

Max Muncy, or as I like to call him, Hefty Bono. #WorldSeries

Jays lights. Come on now. #BlueJays #WorldSeries

2 hours before the game, Davis Schneider busted two drug dealers in Etobicoke in an undercover sting. #WorldSeries

My 18-year-old daughter just sent me a song by The Blue Nile, a band I’ve never mentioned to her before, and I may weep. My work is done.

TOP 5 WORST INTERIOR DECORATOR FILMS: 5. Planet of the Drapes 4. Ottoman New York 3. Sofas Choice 2. The Blinds Side 1. The Paper Chaise

Peeps are calling for this to be officially entered into the lexicon, and I’m down with that. I could use a break.

Sorry, but pretty much the highest compliment you could receive right now is to be told that something you’ve done is “Un-American.”

TOP 5 WORST DENTAL HIP HOP ARTISTS: 5. Big Daddy Novocaine 4. TIE: Kool Molar Dee / Ghostface Drillah 3. The Roots Canal 2. TIE: TMJ-Z / Cardi B-40 1. Toothpac Shakur #Top5Worst

This is a pretty odd coincidence considering the day, but I can’t believe the Toronto Raptures just signed a guy named Tylenol Kimmel. You can’t make this stuff up…

TOP 5 WORST REALITY SHOWS: 5. Courtney Love Island 4. DHS Cribs 3. Jersey Shore Leave 2. TIE: Survivor (the band)/Real Houseflies of Salt Lake City 1. Shart Tank

If there’s one celebrity who is absolutely talentless except for her ability to deliver your groceries, it’s probably Kim DoorDashian.

TOP 5 WORST BEATLES SCI-FI SONGS: 5. Mothra My Dear 4. I Am the WALL-E 3. Get Back to the Future 2. TIE: The Long and Winding Road Warrior / Doc Ocktopuss’s Garden 1. Ellen O. Ripley

One of my favourite, little-used adjectives is “donzerly,” as in “donzerly light,” from that song you hear at sporting events.

I think the worst song and album by Blue Man Rodeo is probably Diamond Mime.

"Do you like apples? How do you like them apples?" — Matt Damon working at an Apple store

I DID NOT KNOW THIS: Before he started dating Ana de Armas, Tom Cruise was, coincidentally, in a pretty serious relationship with Ana de Legas.

If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t.

I think the composer who was loneliest at mealtime—when many people would ignore him for hours, refusing to touch him—was probably Coleslaw Porter.

I’ll never forgive the world for caring about Brian Wilson‘s passing for about two days. Such is life now, I guess. But if anyone so much as mentions fucking Charlie Kirk tomorrow, MY neck will explode. One of those guys was truly “a giant of his generation,” and it wasn’t the racist Nazi.

I like to experiment with depression, so I guess I’m bipolar-curious.

I DID NOT KNOW THIS: Suspicious “disgruntled sniper”at right wing political rally season runs from July 13 to September 10 every year.

Okay--which one of you clowns pissed off all the yellowjackets?

TOP 5 WORST STREAMING FOOD SERIES: 5. Better Call Salt 4. Band of Broth 3. TIE: Game of Scones / House of Carbs 2. TIE: Charcuterie Boardwalk Empire / South Pork 1. Squid/Game #Top5Worst

I don’t think there’s any doubt that the greatest song about a vaginal yeast infection is Tony Orlando & Dawn’s “Candida.”

@dieworkwear.bsky.social Dear Sir: is this 25-year-old Canali jacket salvageable? I loved it so much. Now it feels: 1) too long 2) odd with 3 buttons 3) goofy with the no-flap pockets (what do you call those?) Please advise.

TOP 5 WORST SHAKESPEAREAN AILMENTS: 5. Poliothello 4. All’s Welt That Ends Welt 3. King Learyngitis 2. TIE: Typhus Andronicus / Twelfth Night Sweat 1. Goryoldanus #Top5Worst

Great first day of school for Malcony and Bleryl! Here's to another successful year in grades 9 & 11 for both of you. If you leave the heaters at home tomorrow, they may let you stay for a full day. Love you! #SoProud

If money is the root of all evil, then I guess that Square Payment System thing is the square root of all evil.

My eating habits—in terms of technique and day-to-day menu selections—would most accurately be described as “old prospector.”

I DID NOT KNOW THIS: The UK is known as the UK in all English-speaking countries except the U.S., where it’s known as the K.