People think it’s a real hoot to make fun of Trump painting everything gold but then you see another rich guy like DJ Khaled and his house just looks like some Tybee Island Airbnb your family rented back in 2018

Man being thoughtful sucks

Y’all ever use a ratatouille rat to control your arm so it feels like someone else is jerking you off?

Am I the only one who assumed the crazy looking blonde lady was the trump DOD official

I tried to simply erase the random kid in the periphery of this photo and Adobe was like “stand back and let us show you the mighty power of the AI”. Great product you clowns I hope my $70 a month gets spent on some kind of paint for your offices that turns out to give you cancer

Fun fact Monopoly was originally called “The Landlord’s Game” although the rules were slightly different it was a race to see who could get the most layers of old paint on an electrical outlet

“That’s it, I’m gonna do World War I!” - Kaiser Wilhelm II

Gambling websites should let me bet against myself

Happy Mother’s Day to my mother-in-law who showed me a picture of her next to the Hamburglar and I said “oh you’re associating with a known criminal” and she got so confused… turns out she didn’t know who he was or what he was known for, just kept calling him “The Hamblerger”.

yessir there is nothing quite like brushing your teeth before bed and noticing the shirt you’ve been wearing all day at work and to the store has a huge hole in the armpit

I’d go to a restaurant that’s like Korean barbecue but just American grilling, just Dad flipping burgers at the table and taking orders

James Earl Jones’s voice is deep but it’s not gravely, you know? He’s booming but he’s got a mellow tone like Big Kermit

I am by no means advocating for child soldiers but I do think it would be fun to haul their little asses around in an armored Toyota Sienna

Trying to conceal a mouthful of milk during sex to try and blow it into a lady’s boobs to inflate them

Backyard furnaces but it’s every American gets a weber grill to start producing their own burger

What do you think this funny little fella was doing running around in some kinda seal team six getup this morning?

All these people becoming religious as adults just looking for a bigger manager to complain to

Were you there when they gooseified my board

Took a bunch of portraits for a corporate website and one dude turned his shoulders the wrong way and I didn’t catch it so now I’m attempting to secretly fix it by uploading his goofy ass to the TikTok microwave filter

No it’s not

“America has truly lost its way” - me, reflecting on the fact that the lazy little loser guy in Anora wasn’t supplementing his constant video game playing with watching old Will Ferrel movies

The peak of Everest is covered in garbage but I’m standing here alone on top of Mount Finished-a-whole-chapstick

The funniest aspect of this is that it will probably end up being woke and fascist

Got to grab a few things from Kroger today but because of the boycott I have to drive to Cincinnati so it’ll technically be a local business

Rockin Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Blues are two wildly different diagnoses. You rocked so hard your primary care physician had to refer you to a boogie woogie specialist.

Eagles Greatest Hits (Taylor’s Version)

Incredibly psyched to finally own a hardcover copy of this.

The funniest aspect of Mandela effect people is that the basis of their worldview is that they are from a dimension where people don’t misremember things, but they’ve also been teleported to an alternate dimension where people don’t misremember things. We’re all absolutely correctly remembering.

There needs to be a law that you can’t say something “kills fascists” unless you’ve already killed a fascist with it. Talk is cheap, get bonking you bozos.

I have been completely immobilized folks I knew I had too much but there was one more meatball on my plate and I swear to god it hit my lips like I was Papa Manzano in Cats Cradle I’m fucked

I made a life-altering amount of spaghetti and meatballs yesterday. This is just the leftovers.

HBO should have let the Cryptkeeper do color commentary at the puppy bowl these mfers love puns so much

If the Stargate from Stargate was real I’d like to have a little one I could sit on in the bath so I could stay nice and cozy while my turds tunnel through space to the pyramid planet

lol “poorly timed” photo dawg they caught him looking like he’s actively pooping his pants so hard they fall down

For sale: baby shoes, stretched out by man feet.

Everybody at the zoo getting excited about the new baby animals and ignoring the fact they got a big fat seal that breathes through his nose real loud like Tony Soprano

I have a Michigan J Frog type situation going on where I keep catching the dog sucking his own dick in a sexual way and my wife won’t believe me

They should make unsweetened Coca Cola

The next Fast & The Furious movie they fight Jesus Christ

“Loonie Bin” is a kinda rude phrase if you’re talking about mental health but it’s actually the most appropriate phrase if you’re describing the Canadian version of Scrooge McDuck

my stylish guy

It’s really neat how we’ve reached a point as a society where we’re constantly encountering problems so large everything grinds to a halt and then nothing gets solved but our bosses say “alright that’s enough grabassin” and we all have to go back to work anyway

Nosferatu talks like Boss Nass