Nothing calms me down more from seeing ICE raids and arts funding slashed and trans people used as political pawns and curable diseases enter water systems more than sending emails. Yup, I think think the world would be okay if we all just locked in and sent our little emails

Nancy Mace Cardinals during speaking the conclave 🤝 Wretched black smoke emanating from an ancient orifice disappointing us all

I learned a tradition that says the first song you hear on Jan 1 dictates your year. This year I heard Shakira yelling “waka waka eh eh” (just that part) from a passing car and it makes more and more sense each and every day of this waking hell of a year

Celebrating returning from Italy with an $11 “tiramisu” latte to remind my body that it is in hell

Nintendo is so crazy for this one!

Happy to announce that I’m putting a tariff on everyone who has ever been mean to me and people who are ugly (of spirit)

Someone filled a bus turd? And you’re laughing?

Declaring every other day in April to be April Fulls’ Days where our hearts are full of earnestness, our eyes are full of focus, our tummies are full of CUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Putting “no rush” in an email used to mean “big rush, urgent” but now when I say it I mean “idgaf I want to walk amongst the birds and find joy once again. Your email cannot harm me, your actions are your own, your timeline is not mine. Be free with me, burn it down and frolic haha”

Will you be an angel for a helpless animal? Everyday these innocent creatures are bullied and left alone. And today they’re crying out for help. Right now, there’s a twink who needs you. For just 5 cents a day, you can help a twink see Mother Monster live in concert.

If you don’t know why your cis upper middle class friend in finance is scared right now, you don’t have a cis upper middle class friend in finance, you just know a cis upper middle class person in finance

Excerpt from my new YA novel: “Who’s there?” Nancy Mace screamed, rising from the public toilet bowel, chewing the last bits of shit in her mouth. “Show me your genitals!” Footsteps. A foul smell masking the stench in Nancy’s mouth. “My name… is JK Rowling,” the voice said. “I’m here to feast.”

My strange addiction: not bleeding out for a war hungry technocratic hellscape

Gay marriage threw the first brick at stonewall

Bring back stabbing people in power

The right to be able to clean my VCR should be inalienable

Has anyone considered that we can coexist? Imagine this on a bumper sticker? Tearing up thinking about the power and potential

I know the rights of some very specific communities are being threatened loudly and clearly but I need to really try to make this about me somehow so I can care

When I feel overwhelmed and powerless, I like to imagine I am at the polls voting. I get a little sticker. I go to brunch. A beautiful meditation on hope and possibility

Thank god the person who runs Twitter doesn’t have far reaching access within vital government agencies amiright?

Still can’t get over a nightmare I had where I was forced to perform improv as punishment for mouthing off to someone. No one wants to talk about the trauma caused by comedy training in a person’s early 20s. No one wants to talk about the harm of yes anding unfunny bros in plaid

Daylight was saved. What about your soul, f-slur?

Lady with an air of “my adult children don’t speak to me” outside the train asking for signatures to get Cuomo on the ballot lolololol

Today’s affirmation: I am NOT the source of the smell 💜

And the Oscar for Jorkin it goes to… my peanits

One secret to long and happy relationships is repeatedly telling your partner that the accident was 14 years ago and they have to let you go

It’s so disturbing that people are making jokes about offing bad people in power. Laughing? At a good idea?

All anti-woke American patriots need to stop letting the woke (non-white. DEI?) hand signal tell them to not cross the street. Don’t let woke keep you from crossing the busy intersection when you want to. Walk into traffic right now or woke wins

I know things are bad right now and everything feels daunting but… haha jk no but

I like my coffee like I like my beauty in the world–made by trans people (with or without septum piercings)

A monkey has fallen off the bed and bumped its head, the fourth incident of its kind since news of unprecedented firings at the Federal Honk Schnoo Administration earlier this month

Somewhere in a very sterile room the world’s most vile twink is trying to pitch book titles like “Diva Down” and “My Coconuts? Unburdened”

Yes I love CUMMING Creating Unforgettable Memories In the time of the Nation’s Grim decline

Saw a gay bear throuple in Mexico City. One was smoking a vape that looked almost like a cpap. There is beauty in this world worth fighting for.

Is this real?

My therapist: how’re you? Me after having woken up an hour prior from a dream where lady Gaga tried to feed me oil made from weird mushrooms that made me gassy (scary): fine!

We both have the same amount of plastic in our heads

Got an email from an artist where they stated that going to performances and openings is an act of resistance. My eyes are bleeding! My face is bleeding!

Somewhere there’s a white twink freaking out because he heard there’s a “trade war”

There should be a reality show where Nancy Mace and Caitlyn Jenner time travel to 2015 and drive around Malibu just talking about their shared humanity and the passenger seatbelt is broken

I wish you would get rated on how good your emails are and once you’ve reached a high enough level you get to die

So funny that a Big Mac fiend and a tech dweeb who probably says shit like yoinkies when he cums are gonna burn this shit DOWN

Everyone on this B train is listening to Abracadabra. A twink is levitating bc he sang the magic word too many times. I am frothing at the mouth. Goody MTA is DANCING in the FOREST with Nurtecuba. All paws are UP

One very effective way to cope with not liking trans people and immigrants and “minorities” is to kys

Me getting into consulting at the LGBTQ+ DEI gulag: if we can get some nice synergy going, you’ll meet those deliverables in no time… honey!

lol remember when Harris said she’d have a tougher border policy than Trumpy

There are so many noises in NYC today. If I was a horse, I’d be SCARED

Really hoping to work extra hard this year and pull myself up so I can finally afford my own private fire fighters and 1/4 of the world’s resources

7” cut with a slight curve to the left. Small veins down the middle. An unsettling pink. Pervasive stench of corn.