Pretty obviously, no one wants to open the box to find out if Mitch McConnell is alive or dead, so he will remain permanently in a superimposed state in which he is both alive and dead at the same time. Call it quantum physics, call it black magic, but it’s firmly on-brand for him.

I think this means that the US is about to go to war with Belgium.

Reports that the Trump corruption machine allegedly celebrated America's 250th birthday by stealing donations intended for a national celebration are, perhaps, the least surprising news story of the decade.

The Pope says he hopes JD Vance has "learned" from what he just did to the Society of Saint Pius X.

I think the question we're all asking is: how long before J.D. Vance rushes to join the Nazi-adjacent white supremacist schismatics and declares that they, not Woke Pope Leo, are the true heirs of St. Peter? By the sound of it, these are absolutely his kind of Catholics.

"It's clearly wrong the candidates we backed didn't win. Something needs to be done about that." "Have you tried not sucking?" "Excuse me?" "Maybe if establishment Democrats weren't spineless & apathetic, the socialists wouldn't win. You could try to do better." "Yeah, that's not an option."

Not enough people understood that when Donald Trump said he'd run the country like one of his businesses, it was a threat, not a promise.

One way or another, Trump's ballroom will never get built before his term ends, and he will leave the US with another perfect metaphor for his presidency: a hole in the ground half-filled with rubble where something much better once stood.

Vance: "Childless cat ladies" is one of the dumbest things I ever said. Everyone: Nope. Not even close.

You know, between the child pornography, the Nazi salutes and this whole "instigating murderous fascist riots" thing, I'm starting to think that this Elon Musk guy might not be a very nice person.

"So why aren't the Democrats … so why don't the Democrats …" Let me stop you right there. Whatever question you're asking, the answer is either "Because they don't want to anger their wealthy donors" or "Because they're afraid that the billionaire-owned media would criticize them for it."

The house is on fire, but I'd like you all to take a minute to stop and admire my helicopter beanie. And look! The guy who poured gasoline through the mail slot and lit the match is wearing one too! We're beanie buds! So freaking cute!!!! xxx

Here is a definitive summary, by a group of Conservative jurists with integrity, of the facts in those 64 cases against our 2020 elections. The cases were a numb, cynical train wreck of falsehoods. Every judge threw them out of every court. Sixty four times. —> lostnotstolen.org

I don't know about you, but I am absolutely getting "the yips" at the thought that the United States is run by a man who is demonstrably, flagrantly insane. Or that there are apparently large numbers of people in the US who can read a screed like this and go "Yep, totally normal, no problem there."

I think it's clever of him to get an early start so he can beat the rush.

Look -- it's the Zuckerbarge!

More bad news today, as doctors reveal that cancer has been diagnosed with Pam Bondi.

Why did they call it the Xi-Trump Summit, and not Pooh Bear vs. Pedo Bear?

Even if Lupita Nyong’o wasn't the right answer ANYWAY, it would be worth it just for the chance of giving Elon Musk an aneurysm.

Hard to believe that a notoriously corrupt organization that invented a fake peace prize to flatter America's wannabe tyrant would also choose to vandalize a much-loved piece of public art for no reason. It seems so out of character somehow.

The workers are seizing control of the means of production.

There's a buddy comedy to be made in which Libs of TikTok springs Luigi Mangione from prison & they go on a killing spree together, gunning down healthcare executives. I don't want to write it because I find Libs of TikTok entirely repellent & probably irredeemable, but the idea is there.

Dear Mr President The reason that they keep giving you cognitive tests is because they think there's something wrong with you. And the fact that you keep boasting about passing them is probably all the proof anyone needs that there's something wrong with you.

Given that there's a non-zero likelihood that the president is an agent of a hostile foreign power, as soon as his term is over it'll be necessary to demolish both the taxpayer-funded ballroom and the bunker underneath it … so that's at least another $400M thrown away. So much winning.

How does she find the time to do all that and still manage to go on tour as well? Talk about an overachiever.

It's pretty clear that Twitch streamers have created a morally-permissive environment where crime is seen as OK, and that leads the president to believe he can start wars, take bribes, murder fishermen, destroy science, etc. We need to start holding these influential Twitch streamers accountable.

That feeling when even African elephants are doing more to fight the class enemy than most Americans.

In a sane country, they'd have fired him the second the words "modern battleship" passed his lips.

Short of releasing feral pigs in the lobbies of the hundred nearest hotels, I can't imagine what they could do to make it more appealing to visitors.

"We thought Donald Trump had finally launched an invasion of Iran, but it turned out just to be a group of starving Marines from the USS Tripoli, scouring the shores of Kharg Island in search of something to eat."

If God's so firmly on the American side, why do they need all those F-35s and AGM-88s? They should have been able to achieve the same results with a flight of Cessnas dropping rocks out the windows. P.S. Sorry to the 13 American servicepeople who died; turns out God doesn't like you very much.

It was clear that Netanyahu's goal was never to defang Hamas, but to render Gaza uninhabitable so the Palestinians would be driven off their land. Similarly, the US-Israeli goal in Iran is not regime change or nuclear disarmament, but the reduction of a prosperous country to a failed state. 1/

Let me know when they announce the kind of lid that you can nail down.

A Republican spokesperson, reached for comment, replied "Ve do Nazi de problem."

"You can't rush these things. We've got a whole bunch of war crimes that we haven't even got to yet. We'll stop when we've finished the president's atrocity bucket list, not before."

Now that Cherfilus-McCormick has been found guilty of ethics violations, maybe we can turn our attention to a certain president whose wealth has mysteriously increased by $5bn in the last year. www.politico.com/news/2026/03...

If I were an Iranian whose entire family had been blown up so that Trump's friends and family could make money speculating on shifts in oil prices, I'd probably be pretty angry.

Trump's constant demand for public praise is tactical. It's his way of making sure that his minions haven't somehow acquired any kind of integrity since the last time he spoke to them.

POTUS is an acronym that presently stands for Piece Of Total Utter Shit.

"People who consume only media that says the war's going great say that the war's going great."

"So, we're taking the sanctions off Iran … who we're currently at war with … and Russia … who we sanctioned because they're at war with a friendly nation that we're supplying with arms." "Got it. What about the tariffs on our allies and traditional trading partners?" "Oh, those stay on."

"We're pleased to say that the poorly-considered war that we launched so our half-witted president could feel tough is causing foreigners lots of pain. And if some of you are suffering, don't you feel better knowing that those creepy overseas people have it worse? I know I do."

Turns out that killing schoolchildren is surprisingly expensive.

If you're mad about Donald Trump wearing a promotional ballcap as the bodies of four people who died in his war were returned to the USA, just remember that his hairstyle probably cost more than any of the dead soldiers earned in a year, so he's not going to let the wind just mess it all up for him.

"Non-consensually inserting your digits into other people's orifices is one of the principal activities of Homeland Security," an HHS spokesperson said today, "which makes Sen. Mullin a natural choice for Secretary. You might say that he embodies the finest traditions of the Department."

Congratulations to a Kuwaiti F/A-18 pilot for finally resolving the argument between F/A-18 stans and F-15E stans about which is the better warplane. (Joking aside, I'm glad to see all 6 F-15 crewmembers made it out alive, which is an impressive level of survivability; must be a tough airframe).

With all due respect, these people sound like "President Trump has been chosen by Dumbledore to find the Golden Snitch & pave the way for the return of Harry Potter!" It's great you've found a way to include your imaginary friend in all this, but these are real bombs you're dropping on real people.

Pete Hegseth's eventual war crimes trial is just going to consist of the prosecution playing an endless sequence of recorded soundbites and then breaking for lunch.

If there was any question about Pete Hegseth being a complete psychopath, the gloating way he announced that the US has just slaughtered a hundred and fifty Iranian sailors should remove all doubt.

Not a problem, because by the time the Correspondents' Dinner rolls around, the media will be entirely owned by the same people who backed Trump's campaigns and who are now enjoying the return on their investment. Journalists can't be enemies of the state if the state owns all the journalists.