“You see that road by the cow pasture?” “Yes.” “Follow that down into the valley. There you will find the Royal Highway.” “Then what?” “Turn west, and go fuck yourselves all the way back to where you came from.” “No need to be snarky.”

“Whoah! Guys! Guys! I just realized something.” “What is it Bob?” “This sneak attack plan is not going to work. We’re all rattling so loud, we can wake the dead… you know, the other dead.”

Coming this December to ABC prime time & Disney+. PREDATOR: BADLANDS XMAS SPECIAL Starring DEK & THIA. Featuring: THE MUPPETS THE XENOMORPH DANCERS THE MUMMENCHANZ MIMES with musical guests ANNE MURRAY SNOOP DOGG & CYBORG MEL TORME Brought to you by WEYLAND-YUTANI INC.

“I’d like a large pizza with the works, but hold the anchovies…. Yeah, everyone is surprised to discover that I don’t eat anchovies… oh can I get a bottle of Coke with that? Will Pepsi do? No, not really. I’ll have a root beer instead. Thanks.”

“La donna è mobile Qual piuma al vento Muta d'accento E di pensiero Sempre un amabile Leggiadro viso In pianto o in riso È mensognero”

“I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, And I pity Any undead warrior who isn't me tonight.”

A picture from rehearsals for my new musical CUJO! “Don’t you know I’m Cujo I ain’t no Joe Blow No you can’t go Cause I’ve gone psycho! I got the rabies Now I’m gonna eat your babies Even a case of scabies Ain’t gonna stop me!”

“Hey guys, great you could make it. Just pop your weapons in the basket, I got pizza cooking, beer in the fridge, and the latest module of ‘Suburbs & Cities’ ready to play.” “What’s it called?” “The Terror of the Traffic Jam.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you! I knock on your door, tell you that dinner’s ready, and now I have a bullet in my shoulder! —Billy, call 911, we need ambulances and cops, Mommy’s off her meds again!”

“Look out the window Sonya, the sun’s already down, and I’ve transformed into a monster at 5:30. I hate it when daylight savings time happens.” “At least you don’t have run around & reset all the clocks.” “Sorry about that honey, but my claws would scratch the antique pieces.”

The wild beast muttered its last words: “They’re grrrreat!” Then a final shot silenced the creature forever.

“Doctor Moreau, I am here to formally inform you that the animal people have formed a union.”

“Ev'ry morning, ev'ry evening,
Ain't we got fun.
Not much money Oh but honey 
Ain't we got fun. The rent's unpaid dear, 
We havn't a bus,
But smiles were made dear,
For people like us.”

“This one was a neighbour I caught stealing deliveries off my porch… the one next to it cut me off in traffic…then there’s the paperboy who always threw my paper into a puddle…”

The wild beast muttered its last words: “They’re grrrreat!” Then a final shot silenced the creature forever.

“Look Grandpa Boris, the state has successfully launched a man into space!” “Amazing!” “Maybe one of these smart scientists will figure out how to fix your hairstyle.” “There’s nothing wrong with my hairstyle you little turd pierogi!”

“WAKE UP! MY FOOD BOWL IS EMPTY!” “Stop being such a drama queen you dang cat. It’s only 2 hours until your breakfast.” “I COULD DIE OF STARVATION IN TWO HOURS!” “You could die of something more violent than starvation if you don’t stop wailing.”

As Penelope watched Ruddiger walking off with Jezebel Bancroft, she no longer felt guilty about giving Ruddiger syphilis.

“Look Grandpa Boris, the state has successfully launched a man into space!” “Amazing!” “Maybe one of these smart scientists will figure out how to fix your hairstyle.” “There’s nothing wrong with my hairstyle you little turd pierogi!”

“Gladys?” “Yes Hazel.” “Have you figured out how to land these stupid things yet?” “Not yet.”

Billy was shocked, & moved to see all of his friends make it to his birthday. Including Zoltan the Lich, who had driven all the way from Indianapolis to make it.

Ran into this cat walking home today, and now I have to recover the Lost Emerald Blade of Farhannaki before the next eclipse, or some BS portal is going to open & free some joker named The Dark Lord Fistup of Botham. Why does this keep happening to me?

Thank you Christian Mingle.

“What are you doing for Halloween tomorrow?” “I’m manning the door solo this year ducky. Alphonse is visiting his mother this weekend. I’d rather be tossing treat bags to little snots dressed as dragons than deal with a real one spitting fire at over the dinner table.”

“I think I need to use more moisturizer.”

“I was watching James Gunn’s Superman, and I did the math on Ultra Man’s origin. I soon realized that Superman’s big victory was literally flinging a toddler, at most, into a black hole. Also that Lex was a huge douche for weaponizing this toddler.”

Deez

Thank you Christian Mingle.

“Hey, Death, why are you rubbing your shoulder like that?” “Hi, Billy & Suzy. I pulled a muscle putting some things on a high shelf. Could you take little Rover to the park for his walk, so I can put some ice on this shoulder?” “No problem Death, we’d love to.” “Thanks kids.”

“Damn Superman, don’t try to change when you’re drunk.”

A #Halloween treat. Since Hollywood loves sequels & spinoffs that try to ruin any mystery in the original franchise, I’ve begun writing the pilot for a spinoff series starring Dr. Loomis from the 1978 classic John Carpenter’s Halloween. Here’s the opening scene. 😉

“Damn Superman, don’t try to change when you’re drunk.”

A #Halloween treat. Since Hollywood loves sequels & spinoffs that try to ruin any mystery in the original franchise, I’ve begun writing the pilot for a spinoff series starring Dr. Loomis from the 1978 classic John Carpenter’s Halloween. Here’s the opening scene. 😉

“I was watching James Gunn’s Superman, and I did the math on Ultra Man’s origin. I soon realized that Superman’s big victory was literally flinging a toddler, at most, into a black hole. Also that Lex was a huge douche for weaponizing this toddler.”

“Tickle tickle time!” “Grow up Stanley and hold the flashlight. It’s bad enough having to fix this safe in a blackout, without you acting like a child!”

“Hey, Death, why are you rubbing your shoulder like that?” “Hi, Billy & Suzy. I pulled a muscle putting some things on a high shelf. Could you take little Rover to the park for his walk, so I can put some ice on this shoulder?” “No problem Death, we’d love to.” “Thanks kids.”

I was proud of this joke & felt like sharing.

Q: Why did your restaurant go bankrupt? A: Diners just couldn’t embrace the theme of the place.

“Okay Chester, you might feel a little sting as I inject the Novocain, but you will be numb in no time. Then it will only take a few minutes to replace that filling.”

“I should sue your ass Doctor Frankenstein.” “Now is not the time Stewart.” “When is the time Doc? When I died I had an intact face! Now I look like I was run through a wood chipper!” “There were complications…” “Tell it to my lawyer! You quack!”

#Halloween question. In Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula, Count Dracula cooks several regular meals, for his lawyer, and they’re said to be excellent. In life, Vlad Dracula would never cook. In death, he’d have no reason to cook. How did Dracula learn to cook?

I was proud of this joke & felt like sharing.

“Debbie?” “Yeah.” “Were you picking mushrooms in the vacant lot again?” “Why do you ask?”

“The fact is Todd that I would have gotten away with it, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.”

“Go forth my Nightmare Legion and destroy all who defy me!” “Why are we always being sent out to destroy?” “The Witch Queen of Zanmara has deep anger issues. Classic story, absentee father, demanding perfectionist mother.” “Has she tried therapy? I’m tired of getting killed.”

Thank you Christian Mingle.

“Is anyone out there?” “Sorry to wake you Todd, it’s me Hilda, my broom started making a sputtering noise, so I had to do an emergency landing.” “Do you need my help?” “No, it’s just a stuck valve, I’ll be out of here in five minutes.”

This picture makes Lee’s Dracula look like he just drank the blood of someone who ate something Dracula is badly allergic to. “Oh hell, he’s full of oysters! I need an EpiPen?” “I have one.” “I’m not falling for that Van Helsing, that’s a wooden stake in your…” *dies of anaphylaxis*

This house at the entrance to my neighbourhood has officially won Halloween.

“AI, I need an image for the twitter ads for my sleep apnea gadget.” “How about a sleeping man happily choking to death on his own vomiting?” “Perfect. You computers sure are smart.”