“Will you people please stop chatting & get out of the bathroom. You can chat in any other room in the house, but not here, not when my ass is about to give birth to a baby dragon! Now GET OUT, or prepare to get mentally scarred for life!”

I've been working on a horror screenplay lately, & today I just realized that the one character who might have prevented all the horror, couldn't, because he was away in Florida, on vacation.

“Wait a minute,” said the Headless Horseman, “this isn’t my skull!” “No,” said the Skull, “my name’s Trevor, the Bodyless Bicyclist.” “While it’s an awkward situation,” said the Horseman, “it’s nice to meet you.” “Thanks,” said Trevor. “What’s your name?” “Fritz.” “Nice to meet you Fritz.”

“My problem doctor is that every time I walk anywhere, turn my head, or move in any way, I hear this jingling sound.”

Of course beavers are monogamous. If you are 50% body fat, have a weird looking tail, and buck teeth, you would be fine with whatever you can get.

“Wait a minute,” said the Headless Horseman, “this isn’t my skull!” “No,” said the Skull, “my name’s Trevor, the Bodyless Bicyclist.” “While it’s an awkward situation,” said the Horseman, “it’s nice to meet you.” “Thanks,” said Trevor. “What’s your name?” “Fritz.” “Nice to meet you Fritz.”

Two old actors reminiscing about the old days.

#OrsonAndErnest “When I was a child, I used to think god would appear in the family’s bathroom.” “Why would you think that Orson?” “Because every morning I would wake up to my father banging on the bathroom door yelling ‘Dear god are you still in there!?!’” “Damn it Orson.”

“Are you getting anything for Ghidorah for Christmas?” “Not for that cheap bastard. We’ve been rewrapping and exchanging the same two pairs of Xmas socks since the 1960s”

“Did you see that Penelope?” “Yes Margery. Lady Breakwind should not have eaten the bean salad at the luncheon. She just crop dusted the Prince of Wales.” “It’s the faux pas of the season.”

“Now that we have Mothra settled, I need something for Gamera.” “We have a remote control jumbo electronic shell polisher on sale this week. Would he like that?” “That’s perfect, he loves gadgetry, and is the vainest kaiju I know.”

They don't actually sell you any gifts, but they will print you a fake receipt and the store staff will back up your story.

“I don’t think that will work. Mothra is allergic to perfume. Perhaps a nice watch?”

“Wow Cap, I can’t believe we’ve been doing this show for 29 years.” “Well, it’s over now. All things must pass.” “What do you want to do now?” “Cocaine and hookers.” “Let’s go!”

Some of my best holiday recipes. Derived from decades of cooking holiday dinners.

“Would you mind repeating what you said about the wonders of Albigensianism to my little friend here?”

“It’s Bill, can you tell Terry that I won’t be able to come in for work? — Yeah, it seems I’ve died, and been resurrected as some sort of cannibalistic ghoul. — It has been going around. Anyway, I have to go aimlessly roam downtown trying to eat the living. I’ll see you around.”

“Did everyone get a secret Santa name out of the hat? Did you remember that if you got your own name, you had to put it back in the hat and redraw?” *silence* “All right all of you mooks, put all of your names your names back in the hat, we will redraw the whole thing!”

“Hey Mugwump, how do you make a hormone?” “How.” “Don’t pay her!” “Ugh.” “I farted at a friend’s wedding. I had to sit in my own pew.” “Please stop.” “I asked a farmer: ‘Why does that cow only have 2 legs?’ The farmer said it was ‘lean beef.’” “Just kill me now Dave!”

“Listen Joe, I am here to tell you the truth about the Global Cat Conspiracy. It goes right to the top.”

Today is my birthday. So give yourself a gift by buying my books.

“It’s Bill, can you tell Terry that I won’t be able to come in for work? — Yeah, it seems I’ve died, and been resurrected as some sort of cannibalistic ghoul. — It has been going around. Anyway, I have to go aimlessly roam downtown trying to eat the living. I’ll see you around.”

“What do you wanna do tonight? Maul some humans?” “That’s boring.” “Go to see Wicked For Good?” “Not again.” “Let’s get some Thai take out and veg out, watching the original Day of the Jackal.” “Now you’re talking.”

“Oh Zargo the All Knowing, I have a question only your great wisdom can answer.” “Do you really think an all knowing person would end up a mummified head on a rock, in a swamp? I don’t jack-shit about anything.”

Vincent was horrified, this was not the shrunken human head he ordered.

“Would you mind repeating what you said about the wonders of Albigensianism to my little friend here?”

“Stop stepping into my eye-line when I am doing my monologue you tin-headed mountebank!”

Some of my best holiday recipes. Derived from decades of cooking holiday dinners.

“So Cthulhu, who is the guy next to you in this photo?” “That’s Keith Richards.” “I can’t believe Keith Richards was a marching band nerd like you.” “I should never have shown you my high school yearbook.”

“Oh, Ernie, you’re home early.” “Well Rubber Duckycon broke out in a riot again. Who is your friend?” “Ernie, this is my friend Elliot. Elliot, this is Ernie.” “Hey Bert, why is Elliot’s dick out.” “I can explain tha—” “I AM NOT ASKING YOU ELLIOT! SO SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!”

A movie that takes place where you're from.

“Oh, Ernie, you’re home early.” “Well Rubber Duckycon broke out in a riot again. Who is your friend?” “Ernie, this is my friend Elliot. Elliot, this is Ernie.” “Hey Bert, why is Elliot’s dick out.” “I can explain tha—” “I AM NOT ASKING YOU ELLIOT! SO SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!”

“That’s right, run, you cowards! And if you dare mock our puffy pants again, you will taste our steel!”

“So Cthulhu, who is the guy next to you in this photo?” “That’s Keith Richards.” “I can’t believe Keith Richards was a marching band nerd like you.” “I should never have shown you my high school yearbook.”

“Do you have any idea where we are?” “Nope.” “I thought you came from generations of expert guides.” “I do come from generations of guides, but I own a hardware store in Sacramento, I tried to explain that when you abducted me, but you wouldn’t listen.”

“Okay guys have you cleared the thanksgiving checklist?” “Yes Bob, we even got that cranberry sauce you wanted.” “That’s great, & I want to remind you to avoid talking politics around Aunt Sophie & Uncle Joe. How they stayed married for 800 years baffles me.”

Q: How is the superhero team recruitment drive going? A: I think I’ve found all the available recruits, now I must go on a quest to find my hope for humanity.

Don’t you hate it when everyone starts dressing like you, because you’re so stylish?🤨

“I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, And I pity Any undead warrior who isn't me tonight.”

“I’d like a large pizza with the works, but hold the anchovies…. Yeah, everyone is surprised to discover that I don’t eat anchovies… oh can I get a bottle of Coke with that? Will Pepsi do? No, not really. I’ll have a root beer instead. Thanks.”

“Whoah! Guys! Guys! I just realized something.” “What is it Bob?” “This sneak attack plan is not going to work. We’re all rattling so loud, we can wake the dead… you know, the other dead.”

“You see that road by the cow pasture?” “Yes.” “Follow that down into the valley. There you will find the Royal Highway.” “Then what?” “Turn west, and go fuck yourselves all the way back to where you came from.” “No need to be snarky.”

“Whoah! Guys! Guys! I just realized something.” “What is it Bob?” “This sneak attack plan is not going to work. We’re all rattling so loud, we can wake the dead… you know, the other dead.”

Coming this December to ABC prime time & Disney+. PREDATOR: BADLANDS XMAS SPECIAL Starring DEK & THIA. Featuring: THE MUPPETS THE XENOMORPH DANCERS THE MUMMENCHANZ MIMES with musical guests ANNE MURRAY SNOOP DOGG & CYBORG MEL TORME Brought to you by WEYLAND-YUTANI INC.

“I’d like a large pizza with the works, but hold the anchovies…. Yeah, everyone is surprised to discover that I don’t eat anchovies… oh can I get a bottle of Coke with that? Will Pepsi do? No, not really. I’ll have a root beer instead. Thanks.”

“La donna è mobile Qual piuma al vento Muta d'accento E di pensiero Sempre un amabile Leggiadro viso In pianto o in riso È mensognero”

“I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, And I pity Any undead warrior who isn't me tonight.”

A picture from rehearsals for my new musical CUJO! “Don’t you know I’m Cujo I ain’t no Joe Blow No you can’t go Cause I’ve gone psycho! I got the rabies Now I’m gonna eat your babies Even a case of scabies Ain’t gonna stop me!”

“Hey guys, great you could make it. Just pop your weapons in the basket, I got pizza cooking, beer in the fridge, and the latest module of ‘Suburbs & Cities’ ready to play.” “What’s it called?” “The Terror of the Traffic Jam.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you! I knock on your door, tell you that dinner’s ready, and now I have a bullet in my shoulder! —Billy, call 911, we need ambulances and cops, Mommy’s off her meds again!”