Add a dash of misophonia and you have a lethal cocktail.

This might be why she wants to strangle me when I ask her, “What do you want for dinner?”

I hope these help in your time of need.

Psyched to get into McSweeney’s for the 2nd time - only took 11 years!

Thank you to Megyn Kelly for finally asking, “What is appropriate pedophilia?” #megynkelly #epsteinfiles #epsteinemails #epsteinlist

People are always asking me what my day looks like as a successful social media influencer, so here’s a sneak peek.

Wake up, sheeple!

If you hold any kid under 5 upside down, raisins will pour out of them.

New study finds that being on the phone with T-Mobile top cause for people’s dreams not manifesting.

Swim at your own risk!

They said I had a mission.

*Remote therapy* Patient: And I realized I‘ve been abused my whole life. Wi-Fi connection goes out: therapist unfreezes. Therapist: You cut out, sorry, what were you saying?

Taking people away from their families is like any muscle - you have to practice it to keep in shape.

Google’s response to any question: “Where are you?”

Walked by 2 guys having a conversation and one said, “It’s a very cynical look at the future” and the other said, “I like cynical” and I stopped and said, “Oh, DO you?”

What do you do with bag clips that keep breaking? Life hack inside 👇

Whenever I walk by a homeless person asking me for money, but whose mind is intact, I always say, “Sorry I prefer my homeless crazy”

He’s always bothering me when I’m trying to remember him the way he used to be.

Do what I do, son: hope for the best.

Astrologers: what’s happening right now planetarily has never happened before, so this is a VERY special time. Life: It will feel the same as all other days.

When you’re trying to figure out if your therapist voted for Trump…

When your job is tearing families apart but your wife needs you to run an errand.

Small time life hack: pick it up.

Still waiting for a “sign” that it’s time to leave the country?

If Trump told his base to eat their own feces, there’d be influencers posting recipes by noon.

Very exciting rebrand for Moms for Liberty!

Here’s a recap of what’s been going on…

Can You Teach a 6-Year-Old Positivity? Watch This!

IVF is a beautiful process. The man masturbates in a clinic while the woman goes crazy from hormone shots and you almost get divorced. #ParentingHumor #IVFJourney #StandUpComedy

Not becoming a Nazi is actually super easy!

*love is blind scene in the pods, a sole pair of long black eyelashes on the girl side* Eyelashes: I should probably tell you, I’m just eyelashes. Guy: Like you’re all about eyelashes? Girl: No, like I’m only eyelashes. I don’t have a body, I’m not a person, I’m just a pair of eyelashes.

So happy for headshop owners who love whipped cream!

I’m almost done! And I couldn’t have done it without the love and support of my amazing wife. #conversiontherapy

I hope this helps!

Don’t ever say “good job” to your child or you’re a terrible person.

Have you seen this one? It’s really good.

Punishment for people who don’t pick up their dog shit.

It’s time we stop saying you’re this and I’m that and accept our differences.

Very powerful tool to solve anxiety and depression! 👇

5 Homeopathic Remedies To Prevent Getting Shot By A Maniac With An Assault Rifle 👇

How to help your breadwinner wife not be so attached to money…👇

The number one rule to a successful meditation…

It’s really good for you and calms the mind. I should know, I’ve been telling people this for years.

It’s a weird world, what’re you gonna do?

You’re not going to escape death no matter how many times you scrape the sides of your empty yogurt parfait cup so do us all a favor and accept the life you’re living.

You don’t have to go back that far. #originstory #whereareyoufrom

You want to make sure your therapy goals are achievable.

Sometimes you don’t have a choice but to go with the flow. Decisions have been made and you have been rendered powerless to effect the change you wish to see in your life or country.

It’s too much, my brain couldn’t take it. Are you a record player person? Let me know in the comments bc I know you want to tell people you are, so take this opportunity.