Matt Hyams
@matthyams.bsky.social
đ€ 34
đ„ 39
đ 86
comedian, comedy writer, satirical leadership speaker
https://matthyams.com/
Add a dash of misophonia and you have a lethal cocktail.
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9 days ago
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This might be why she wants to strangle me when I ask her, âWhat do you want for dinner?â
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10 days ago
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I hope these help in your time of need.
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about 1 month ago
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Psyched to get into McSweeneyâs for the 2nd time - only took 11 years!
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I Like to Almost Kill People by Driving Past Them at 125 mph in My Modified Honda Accord
Everyoneâs got their thing. For some, itâs baking. Others, gardening. Me? I like to take a modified Honda Accord, drive over 100 mph, and swerve be...
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-like-to-almost-kill-people-by-driving-past-them-at-125-mph-in-my-modified-honda-accord
2 months ago
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Thank you to Megyn Kelly for finally asking, âWhat is appropriate pedophilia?â
#megynkelly
#epsteinfiles
#epsteinemails
#epsteinlist
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2 months ago
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People are always asking me what my day looks like as a successful social media influencer, so hereâs a sneak peek.
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3 months ago
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Wake up, sheeple!
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3 months ago
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If you hold any kid under 5 upside down, raisins will pour out of them.
4 months ago
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New study finds that being on the phone with T-Mobile top cause for peopleâs dreams not manifesting.
5 months ago
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Swim at your own risk!
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6 months ago
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They said I had a mission.
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6 months ago
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*Remote therapy* Patient: And I realized Iâve been abused my whole life. Wi-Fi connection goes out: therapist unfreezes. Therapist: You cut out, sorry, what were you saying?
6 months ago
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Taking people away from their families is like any muscle - you have to practice it to keep in shape.
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6 months ago
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Googleâs response to any question: âWhere are you?â
7 months ago
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Walked by 2 guys having a conversation and one said, âItâs a very cynical look at the futureâ and the other said, âI like cynicalâ and I stopped and said, âOh, DO you?â
7 months ago
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What do you do with bag clips that keep breaking? Life hack inside đ
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7 months ago
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Whenever I walk by a homeless person asking me for money, but whose mind is intact, I always say, âSorry I prefer my homeless crazyâ
7 months ago
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Heâs always bothering me when Iâm trying to remember him the way he used to be.
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7 months ago
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Do what I do, son: hope for the best.
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8 months ago
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Astrologers: whatâs happening right now planetarily has never happened before, so this is a VERY special time. Life: It will feel the same as all other days.
8 months ago
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When youâre trying to figure out if your therapist voted for TrumpâŠ
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9 months ago
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When your job is tearing families apart but your wife needs you to run an errand.
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9 months ago
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Small time life hack: pick it up.
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9 months ago
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Still waiting for a âsignâ that itâs time to leave the country?
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10 months ago
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If Trump told his base to eat their own feces, thereâd be influencers posting recipes by noon.
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10 months ago
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Very exciting rebrand for Moms for Liberty!
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10 months ago
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Hereâs a recap of whatâs been going onâŠ
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10 months ago
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Can You Teach a 6-Year-Old Positivity? Watch This!
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10 months ago
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IVF is a beautiful process. The man masturbates in a clinic while the woman goes crazy from hormone shots and you almost get divorced.
#ParentingHumor
#IVFJourney
#StandUpComedy
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10 months ago
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Not becoming a Nazi is actually super easy!
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10 months ago
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*love is blind scene in the pods, a sole pair of long black eyelashes on the girl side* Eyelashes: I should probably tell you, Iâm just eyelashes. Guy: Like youâre all about eyelashes? Girl: No, like Iâm only eyelashes. I donât have a body, Iâm not a person, Iâm just a pair of eyelashes.
11 months ago
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So happy for headshop owners who love whipped cream!
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11 months ago
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Iâm almost done! And I couldnât have done it without the love and support of my amazing wife.
#conversiontherapy
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11 months ago
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I hope this helps!
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11 months ago
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Donât ever say âgood jobâ to your child or youâre a terrible person.
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11 months ago
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Have you seen this one? Itâs really good.
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11 months ago
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11 months ago
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Punishment for people who donât pick up their dog shit.
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11 months ago
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Itâs time we stop saying youâre this and Iâm that and accept our differences.
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11 months ago
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Very powerful tool to solve anxiety and depression! đ
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11 months ago
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5 Homeopathic Remedies To Prevent Getting Shot By A Maniac With An Assault Rifle đ
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11 months ago
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How to help your breadwinner wife not be so attached to moneyâŠđ
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11 months ago
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The number one rule to a successful meditationâŠ
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11 months ago
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Itâs really good for you and calms the mind. I should know, Iâve been telling people this for years.
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12 months ago
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Itâs a weird world, whatâre you gonna do?
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12 months ago
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Youâre not going to escape death no matter how many times you scrape the sides of your empty yogurt parfait cup so do us all a favor and accept the life youâre living.
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12 months ago
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You donât have to go back that far.
#originstory
#whereareyoufrom
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12 months ago
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You want to make sure your therapy goals are achievable.
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12 months ago
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Sometimes you donât have a choice but to go with the flow. Decisions have been made and you have been rendered powerless to effect the change you wish to see in your life or country.
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How To Go With The Flow When The Flow Is A River Of Hot Steaming Shit - Egobaby
https://ego-baby.com/how-to-go-with-the-flow-when-the-flow-is-a-river-of-hot-steaming-shit/
12 months ago
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Itâs too much, my brain couldnât take it. Are you a record player person? Let me know in the comments bc I know you want to tell people you are, so take this opportunity.
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12 months ago
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