The body was found dead in an apartment the FBI is claiming belonged to the *real* Santa Claus. More after these messages.

... and that sucker is Mort Crim's Chump of the Week.

and that's one murder that had a happy ending.

You know who pissed me off? Dale Stern, the principal of Diana Lewis Elementary, who *permanently* cancelled pizza Fridays. Now, if pizza's not healthy, how come I've never seen a fat Italian? You, sir, are a pepperoni. And you are my CHUMP OF THE WEEK

It's annual friendship day here in Detroit. That's why I brought my best friend Dave to hang out. He's a slob, but I love him. Good night, Detroit.

Is what we experience real? Or is reality a computer simulation constructed by an advanced alien race? For more: our sports reporter, Jim Caputo.

Good night, Detroit. For now until the sun comes up.

Good night, Detroit. I'm Mort Crim, and that's all the news from the entire world.

I'm Mort Crim. Which in French means death and crime.

Up next: watersports and weather.

The body was found dead in an apartment the FBI is claiming belonged to the *real* Santa Claus.

This week's chump is my son's best friend, Tucker. If you're coming to someone's house for a sleepover you *don't* get a nosebleed. That's all my stuff you bled on, Tucker.

The honey-boy in question, Sam "the man" Duvet was confirmed to be a prostitute thanks to the following unreleased ad:

Between you and me, it seems like that commercial was telling old men how to sneak into a teen club.

When asked what they were doing, the men said, "Mr. Groove sent us."

That was the commercial that led to the shutdown of "Boom Teen Nightclub earlier today, where a swarm of middle-age men were arrested for posing as teens attempting to gain entry.

A local man is in dire need of a kidney tonight and he's not telling anyone why.

Folks, I won't sugarcoat it. ISIS won't stop until every last one of us is pink mist in the wind.

We here at Garner Weich understand the importance of comfort in an uncomfortable world. The economy in shambles. Unemployment at and all-time high. And the chilling reality that we're living every moment in the bloodthirsty crosshairs of ISIS.

Two more criminals were brutally apprehended by a masked vigilante police are calling "Nerd Batman," due to his glasses.

...and so the proof turned out not to be in the pudding –but rather in the murderer's blood, and semen. We'll be back after these words.

... police say there were many, many survivors.

Next up... Red Wings fans have something to cheer about, as they recover two frozen bodies from the ice.

Earlier today, the ghost of a pedophile was spotted haunting the old Boblo Amusement Park. Here's the interesting thing. the ghost was—get this: a woman. More after these messages.

Wow! Hah, normally I don't comment on the commercials, but that was very bad.

And that's one murder that had a happy ending. We'll be right back with Sports and Weather, after this...

You know who pissed me off? Dale Stern, the principal of Diana Lewis Elementary, who *permanently* cancelled pizza Fridays. Now, if pizza's not healthy, how come I've never seen a fat Italian? You, sir, are a pepperoni. And you are my CHUMP OF THE WEEK

And now, moving onto the lighter side of the news: What's actually in your dog's food? The surprising answer might make you rethink eating dog food.

Whoa! Was that Blade!? Blade is so freaking cool.

I don't normally comment on the commercials, but that grocery store commercial makes me just a little horny.

Up next, watersports and weather.

This week's chump is my son's best friend Tucker. If you're coming to someone's house for a sleepover, you don't get a nosebleed. That's all my stuff you bled on, Tucker.

Between you and me, it seems like that commercial was telling old men how to sneak into a teen club.

When asked what they were doing, the men said, "Mr. Groove sent us."

That was the commercial that led to the shutdown of Boom Teen Nightclub earlier today, where a swarm of middle-age men were arrested for posing as teens attempting to gain entry.

But first, a different story.

A local man is in dire need of a kidney tonight... and he's not telling anyone why.

...and so the proof turned out not to be in the pudding, but rather in the murderer's blood, and semen. We'll be back after these words.

... and that sucker is Mort Crim's Chump of the Week. Good night, Detroit.

Tonight, dangerous lunatics are scattered around the city of Detroit... hah! but what else is new, right?

And while the cats were away, the mice escaped, as shown in this security footage:

Guards at the Wayne County Insane Asylum went on strike this morning after their paychecks bounced.

More, after these messages.

The body was found dead in an apartment the FBI is claiming belonged to the real Santa Claus.

Dead people hair. So great. Very, very funny.

Tanya, I have to ask you, are you wearing a wig?

We go live to consumer watchdog Tanya Stark, who went down to the morgue today to check the heads and found many to be missing their hair. Tanya?

In business news, local store Devereux Wigs was shut down after it was discovered they were using dead people hair in their wigs.

... police say there were many, many survivors.

Next up, Red Wings fans have something to cheer about, as they recover two frozen bodies from the ice.