The scent, taste and gastrointestinal after effects of roasted garlic hummus make it the snack that just keeps giving.

The government has been shut down for 22 days. Maybe it's time to plug it back in and reboot Congress in the ass.

Philadelphia Area friends! I've been wanting to work with Christine for several years now and this is the first time we could make it happen. Don't miss this show! www.act2.org

No King’s Day isn’t about Republicans vs Democrats. It’s about Democracy vs Fascism.

Ok. It took me a while to get Apple TV, but I am now a Ted Lasso convert.

Life Hack #1… Having a “burn phone” does not mean striking a match to a gasoline soaked $1500 IPhone.

It's that wonderful time of the year when we go from complaining about the heat to complaining about the cold.

I just told Siri to turn off the alarm I had set for 1 pm, and my television yelled at me from the other room to get my ass up.

My local supermarket is remodeling and felt it necessary to relocate its stock to new aisles and confusing everyone. It's so sad to see people my age roaming aimlessly and repeatedly whispering, "All I want is a can of cream of mushroom soup."

The human body burns more calories breaking down a stalk of celery than there are in a stalk of celery. That means that if I ate nothing but celery, I'd starve to death. Cake would never do that to me.

6 ingredients. Simple fare. Great eating for a stormy day.

Today is World Mental Health Day. Why aren’t the White House flags at half mast?

How’s the cell coverage on the road less traveled?

Don't miss this show! Get your tickets today!...or tomorrow....well it really doesn't matter when you get them as long as you GET THEM before November 22!

Some advice to make your life easier. Always play charades with a professional mime as your partner.

Pam Bondi seems like one of those people who will never forgive you if you don’t rave about her holiday Sweet Potato casserole with the Marshmallows on top.

Watching the Senate hearings today. When will the GOP declare a Mutiny on the Bondi?

I’d rather listen to a Bad Bunny than a Repulsive Rhino.

It's a stark reality that my upper age limit for dating someone is now 80.

Maybe Jerk-o-Lantern should visit Portland and see that it's not burning?

Where are the 60s when you need them?

BRING THE TROOPS HOME! What? Where? Well what idiot authorized that? Oh. KEEP THE TROOPS AT HOME!

Looking for something to do tomorrow? Come see me at the Murray Grove Homecoming in Lanoka Harbor NJ! I'll be performing outdoors sometime between 11 am and noon so you can enjoy the beautiful grounds afterwards and have a really cool day!

If America is a superpower, He is a Kryptonite suppository.

When this is all over, America is going to need a Silkwood shower.

Mikie Sherrill Telling the truth on Maddow about having her personal info released by MAGA. WAY TO GO, MIKIE!

At the Tilt’n Diner in New Hampshire! Tonight at the Flying Monkey Theatre in Plymouth, NH!

Finally! A gated community for comedians!

“Escalator-gate…” Sometimes, ya just can’t get it up.

So, I reinstated my Hulu this morning, and they thanked me by raising my subscription price. They are gone…again.

THE MORE YOU KNOW... What have we learned from the Kimmel episode? Well, people have power. And if you find something offensive, change the channel and watch something else. And if bullies try to shove their values down your throat, hit em' in the wallet.

RAPTURE UPDATE: As far as I can tell, everyone is still on my block. However at around 7:46 am (eastern) a gray squirrel was seen shooting upward and screaming as it did so.

Ad read, "Experts reveal the top 5 health smartwatches for seniors." I read, "Experts reveal the top 5 health sandwiches for seniors."

What does one wear to a Rapture? Boy, air traffic is going to be a bitch tomorrow.

I just cancelled my Hulu subscription. It's not a big thing and Disney is not going to miss my money. But I believe in free speech. I make my living because I have it. I don't want it go away.

All I want for Christmas is my country back. My country back. My country back. All I want for Christmas is my country back, So I can wish you Happy Xmas.

As kids we played a game called "Statue", where we'd stand still and try to fool people walking by into thinking we were statues. We were idiots.

Ambler, Pa. Tickets available at Act2.org

Kimmel fired. Colbert fired. Free speech is on life support. Dammit.

My morning prayer… Dear Universal power, Please don’t let children be harmed, please let Cinnabon exist in the afterlife, please let good people rise, let there be affordable coffee again, and let me hang out with Mark Twain for a day or two. Thanks and Amen.

Saturday! Delaware!

Even on my best days, I still can't sing as well as Bob Dylan.

The more you know... According to Popular Science magazine, Octopus arms are the animal kingdom’s most flexible. And yet they still need someone to scratch that place on their backs they can never reach. So, stop with the bragging, octopi.

I have never, until now, had a craving for Cherry Jello. NEVER. What’s happening to me?

It’s easier to reach a conclusion through knowledge than to jump to one through ignorance. Think it through, ok?

To increase ticket sales, I'm just going to title all the promo stuff for future shows as, "Julia's annual naked romp through fields of clover!"

Never forget.

Can’t wait!

Seriously, he went after Tom Hanks? Who’s next? Santa Claus?

Plymouth New Hampshire!