This morning, I'm smiling knowing that when Kristi "Sure Shot" Noem woke up, it was with the stark and desperate realization that all she had left to look forward to was Corey Lewandowski

This is one of those days when I realize how little I've evolved as a member of my species. I just spent 15 minutes trying to pick up a pencil with my toes.

March didn't come in as a lion or a lamb. It just sort of stood here looking confused.

Today I'm celebrating an unsung hero. Nicolas Appert, who invented a way to can fish in 1810. Without him, we'd be carrying loose tuna salad to work in our pants pockets. I salute you, Mr. Appert. #themoreyouknow

If I call a business and someone answers the phone, their chances of me hiring them go up by about 80%. If they are polite, add another 10% If they do a good job, they get another 9% I left off 1%, because I'm not happy unless I can bitch about something.

I made it through almost an hour of last night’s episode of “The Fool on the Hill.”

On the tariff refund. Cut me a check for $638,592. 45 and we’ll be square.

In anticipation of Snowmageddon, officials have announce they are dispersing 1 carrot, 2 twigs and 12 rocks for emergency snowman building, effective immediately. #TheMoreYouSnow

Whenever the mail delivery person drives away from my house, my abandonment issues all rise to the surface. It's worse on Sunday,

I've questioned the existence of supreme beings with the exception of Diana Ross, Florence Ballard, and Mary Wilson.

For those of you who find diversity in our society disturbing, consider this... There's at least a 147 different ways to make baba ganoush. So put that in your Pita and eat it.

Say "I love you" on Valentine's day and then get drunk a month later on St. Patrick's day when you realize that person is bat shit crazy and you made a terrible mistake.

Where does the Grade “B” Butter Go?

It's Valentine's Day! When I set up a lawn chair in the Supermarket and watch the men scramble to get the last of the flowers, chocolate and greeting cards.

In all honesty, even if the halftime show HAD been in English, he still wouldn’t have understood it.

I heard he was pissed about the halftime show. 5 ketchup bottle night. Well done, Bad Bunny.

Thanks to Jeff Bezos for his courage in firing all that extra weight at the Washington Post. Without all those nosy reporters, we won't have to worry about Democracy Dying in Darkness. You have inspired me, Jeff, to become a cost cutting machine. So five minutes ago, I canceled my Prime account.

Wow, is it windy out there. I just saw Margaret Hamilton's tombstone go flying by.

Early in my career, I've been on shows so painful that I'd wished my DNR had kicked in.

Proud to say that I haven’t missed missing a Super Bowl in 59 years. Hoping to keep my record intact this Sunday.

Pam Bondi. AKA Lord of the Files.

Watching the courageous protesters in Minneapolis. At first, I thought they were film students who had just seen a screening of “Melania.”

I hope this storm isn’t described as a “once in a century storm.” We’ve had like three so far this century already.

The inauguration was 1 year ago today. Thus began our endless supply of Last straws.

So there’s a new show called “Suddenly Amish,” Where people have become Amish. And yet I’m not allowed to be transgender. You people have issues, you know that?

I think Friday is the last day we can gracefully wish someone a Happy New Year without feeling like we've crossed the line.

So there's a movie coming out about Melania. I wonder who's playing Boris, Moose and Squirrel?

Minneapolis. Watch the video and decide.

Will someone just name a star after this maniac and tell him that he’s master of the universe now?

Aunt Julia says... When you're feeling low and down in the dumps, go down to the dumps and see what living there would be like.

It's an old and obvious pattern. An unpopular president - failing on the economy and losing his grip on power at home - decides to launch a war for regime change abroad. The American people don’t want to “run” a foreign country while our leaders fail to improve life in this one.

America...I am doing what I always do in times of turmoil and crisis. I'm making meatballs.

Remember that, kids…. The Marilyn Monroe Doctrines….are important doctrines. Maybe the most important doctrines.

So, when can Maduro expect his pardon?

Just finished watching Rob Reiner’s production of “The American President.” I needed this.

Arthur Miller's most famous work had several working titles among them were... 1. Sprained ankle of a Salesman 2. Bad Breath of a Salesman 3. Roman a' Clef of a Salesman 4. Sidney Neff is a Salesman 5. Tone Deaf was the Salesman. I am finished.

An ad for someone called Master Lu says that If I do his tai chi, I will be unrecognizable by New Year's. Haven't I had enough issues with identity?

Look within. I recently abandoned the idea of teaching a "MASTER CLASS" online when I realized I'm not that good at anything.

Zelensky heard to privately complain about the breakfast buffet at Mar-a-Lago. "You call this an omelet?"

There's something about seeing a herd of deer in a snowfall that makes me want to paint the scene on plates and convince people to buy them for $29.95 as a limited collectible.

Release the Rockford Files!

When did "sleeping late" come to mean getting up at 6:30 am?

Tomorrow is the winter solstice. So put on your best pagan outfit and start chanting OOGAH BOOGAH! OOGAH BOOGAH! repeatedly out in front of your house at 9:02 am.

So far it looks like the only ones not in the files are Pinky Lee and Clifford the Big Red Dog.

So, now that he's taken over, when is the Kennedy Center going to offer nude pole dancing classes?

Wine! Comedy! Perfect!

I'm old enough to remember when Captain Kangaroo was just a Lieutenant.

Man, somebody got a B12 shot before going on the air.

I miss the days when we used to laugh about Dumb Stuff like Covfefe.