But has anyone checked in on Sophia Grace?

I hope Bari Weiss has the worst week ever..

How’re the Barbz doin?

bf forced me to watch an episode of Emily in Paris before bed last night. It’s so awful…how is there 5 seasons?

Wait, I’m not very tech savvy. How do we sort through the Epstein Files?

I love that my work phone tries to make me a cute Year in Review slideshow. It’s literally just pictures of everything that broke in 2025.

Whenever my mom has a conservative viewpoint I’m like, “is this the same woman who bought me a limp bizkit CD when I was 11 years old?”

Y’all never did this for Jimmy Carter when he was alive…

I was shocked to see how many people I follow also follow that MAGA Bear. Like why? Do they not realize they are following him?

How it feels waiting for my teledoc appointment to start.

Please tell me I wasn’t the only kid with a crush on Powerline…

Controversial opinion but I feel like not every urinal needs a partition.

Everyone give baby Quetzal a compliment.

Also, in search of a voice coach to help me sharpen my Cher, Jewel, and Kermit impersonations. Right now they are all the same voice and I apologize.

My boyfriend thought he caught me singing a racist song. Ummm sir, it’s Half-Breed. I’m exempt.

I asked my employee what she wanted for her 62nd birthday and she asked for a ride to the social security office. Do we think she’s giving me a subtle hint she wants to retire?

I really hope Noxzema is a better mom in this new Avatar. All she did in the last movie was lose her kids and cry. Worst stay at home mom ever.

Me in social situations: “Bad Bunny is great but have you listened to Bunny is a Rider?”

If my middle school girlfriend ever finds this account… I’m sorry you let a gay man touch your boobs while watching A Walk to Remember (2002).

Y’all should hear me in the shower, I really could’ve been the lead singer for Kings of Leon.

I hate being at that age where I judge how inefficient the check-in process is at a ticketed gay event.

Are we celebrating the 10th anniversary of Art Angels or do we still hate Grimes? Asking for a friend…

If anyone can guess which kind of dog my new pack member is they get a free kiss.

somebody lend me a belt..

I will be postponing vacay pics until I find a suitable chapstick. This dry mountain air has me looking like Leo in the revenant.

Took going all the way to Mexico for a boyfriend reveal.

Me judging everyone’s Spotify wrapped.

Shen Yun, stop making the holidays all about you, mama.

Just had to speak to a T-Mobile AI customer service rep…and she was such a dumdum! I’m pretty sure it was that goblin hooker robot that haunted us all 10 years ago.

Meanwhile… 12 year old me with the incense.

Why are fever dreams so wild?? Last night I dreamt I confronted the Catholic Church asking them for back pay for all my years of being an altar boy. They gave me a wad of cash with some prayer cards mixed in.

Why does everyone just forget about that time he was caught handing out ‘Zionism is sexy’ stickers?

Dying from the flu and the construction workers outside my window are blasting Imagine Dragons. Please send yellow Gatorade.

The neighbors across the street are being mad cocky about their Christmas lights. But like, y’all don’t even have a nativity scene.

I hate when security at gay bars ask to see inside my fanny pack then pull out my TUMS.

I remember thinking these twins were so hot first time I watched the Matrix Reloaded. Why was my taste in men so terrible when I was 14!?

If you see this, post your getaway vehicle.

After an extensive investigation, I finally discovered who broke my succulent pot at work.

But seriously, has anyone checked on Amanda Seyfried?

Someone actually discovered INOJ in the 90s and thought to themselves, “POPSTAR!” I want someone to believe in me like that…

I’m feeling self-conscious about my ears today. Someone tell me big ears are hot.

Remember in the 90s when every time you fell asleep with the TV on, you woke up to this blasting at 3am.

Ok, but whenever y’all abbreviate Marjorie Taylor Greene to MGT….it takes my brain a second to realize we aren’t talking about these guys.

I wish AI could be used for good…like editing James Corden out of The Kacey Musgraves Christmas Show. And obviously replace him with Krampus.

My dogs finding that one muddy spot in the yard after it rains.

Idk what’s happening to me but for the first time in my adult life I put up a tree 🎄

What fictional creature/villain traumatised you as a child?

How was Monica Lewinsky only 22 when she blew Bill Clinton!? Now I’m questioning everything about my 90s existence. Was Celine Dion 22? Was my mom’s Avon lady 22? Janet Reno?

The guy at the taco truck calls me ‘salsa verde’ because I always ask for a side of it; like that’s some outlandish request at a taco spot. I know my worth and I deserve a better nickname.

Having straight coworkers is so exhausting. Today I got asked, “how gay is Virginia?” Idk, are you asking me about the state or the Woolf?