The only ballroom I care about.

Will literally give a semi decent handjob to anyone willing to help vacuum my car.

Anyone else get this ad everyday and think…”where did she get her dress made?”

People always abandon the cutest puppies at my job. Somebody adopt this lil guy!

Just caught my dog trying to sneak onto my pillow so she could comfortably lick her vagina. Domesticated animal my ass!

Whenever I have anxiety about being 36…I remember when I was 22 and went to hook up with a 36 year old amateur DJ. I sat there for 2 HOURS while he tried to make a club mix to ‘The A Team’ by Ed Sheeran. A song about a homeless crackhead. I think I’m doing ok for 36.

I wish I could be cute and get some work done at a coffee shop. I just feel weird making a ‘DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS’ sign on Canva in public…

Is it true love when you’ve entered the ‘don’t drink my coke zero’ phase of a relationship?

I have the most painful ingrown pubic hair. Please send prayers and tweezers.

Instead of jocktober and locktober…can we give some attention to socktober and these poor unmatched babies :(

My friend and I were joking about the rapture and I accidentally texted “I believe in godspell” to my most Christian employee. Chat, tell me it’s going to be ok.

The way my elderly millennial brain continues to mix up Erika Kirk and Erika Jayne…

I’m confused, do republicans think Antifa is like an Elks Lodge or something?

In lieu of #fcf I will be posting clips from Taryn Manning’s music career. She was the Appalachian Kylie Minogue.

What if we expect Hollywood to rally behind Kimmel and they just give us this again?

wfh featuring my astraphobic, geriatric jack russell and her emotional support bird.

Went to get my regular testing done today and they took 5 vials of blood!! Is super gonorrhea back or was the gen z phlebotomist just torturing me?

If he dies, I just don’t know if my vibrato is up to par to perform No One Mourns the Wicked.

I look dad.

These Coke bottles have turned me into the most toxic boyfriend….”so who’s William??”

Alien: Earth is becoming insufferable. Lord give me the strength to get through this episode

Guess I’m not getting into my office today 😩😩😩

The hot maintenance man came over to fix the toilet but he was wearing these. I specifically requested timbs in my fantasy.

Somebody at work told me my Spanish accent is beautiful and asked what part of Spain I’m from. Umm…Pennthylvania

I support Lil’ Kim’s transition to Princess Bala from Antz.

Thoughts and prayers to those poor Santa Barbarians.

Ok, now she’s getting moody.

Erin, you broke my favorite planter.

The new season of Project Runway is TV gold. I think they blew their entire budget on Sofía Vergara as a guest judge in episode 3 and couldn’t even afford a runway in ep. 4

The Life of a Showgirl

There’s a hot Janeane Garofalo looking lesbian that works the drive through at Burger King. She winked at me tonight and I think I’m straight now. Sorry boys.

Moments before tragedy struck. (he bit my nipple)

Controversial but I think my style icon is Sophie B. Hawkins

I just found out Stacie Orrico is Caucasian. My entire life has been a lie.

I agree, Pat.

Lisa Loeb looks great!

He’s still unable to eat on his own but at least he can dance to Zion & Lennox in the shower.

This is Kyle. Someone abandoned him at my job 2 months ago. I’ve been putting a cowboy hat on him in hopes that someone will find him cute and adopt him 🥺

Just because the mayoral primary is over, that doesn’t mean we stop trolling Jessica Ramos.

He won’t let me look at all of your hump day posts in peace.

How is it only Thursday?

Sacrificing my good angles so you can all revel at how beautiful Coyote is.

I wasn’t emotionally prepared for baby parrot cuddles….I’m sobbing 😭

Forcing my cat to listen to Pink while I clean…is this animal abuse?

Does anyone take Apretude? How painful is the injection? My Truvada is giving me heartburn so I need to change it up but I hate shots in da butt

I love the confidence white people have singing along to Bad Bunny..

As a kid in the 90s, I remember thinking my parents were in a satanic cult when I found their Bat out of Hell cassette.

I’m convinced orange cats are the inspiration for Facehuggers