Dear Royal Guards I’M JUST A LITTLE BIRTHDAY BOY COME ONNNN

Dear Everyone, YOU KNOW ME

( disgusting wet cough )

To ALL residents of the underground, EVERYONE BEHAVE!!! THE QUEEN IS HERE!!! I’m Watching You, Spamton G. Spamton

!!!!! ( puffed up like a startled cat ) ( ….. as much as he can be, with his perpetual dampness )

WHAT A SPECIAL KID.

THEY HAD TO KICK ME OFF THE NOSE NUZZLING STAGE YEARS AGO. SAID I HAD AN UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

P.S. THE KING KEEPS ASKING ME TO TAKE LETTERS TO THE QUEEN AND IT’S JUST KIND OF SAD AT THIS POINT SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU BUDDY

I’M GONNA WORRY ABOUT YOU ANYWAY, SILLY!! MAYBE WE OUGHTA TAKE IT EASY FOR A COUPLE DAYS.

// all my accounts are multiship but i genuinely can’t see it happening on this one just because he is so married to tenna. sorry………

To The Man In Charge: GET THIS KID ON THE MAIL ROUTE, STAT!!! Urgently, Spamton G. Spamton

// me every time castor posts on uttenna

WOAH, WHO THE HECK ARE THOSE HANDSOME FELLOWS?

To all citizens of the Underground, NO MAIL TODAY. PAIN’S TOO BAD. Regretfully, Mr. G. Spamton

THAT’S USUALLY WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU SNEEZE OUTTA NOWHERE. THAT, OR YOU’RE GETTING SICK. ( suddenly more serious ) YOU’RE NOT GETTING SICK, ARE YOU? Eagerly awaiting your response, Spamton G. Spamton

YOU’RE WELCOME, BUDDY. WONDER WHO’S TALKING ABOUT YOU!!!

To the right honourable Mr. “Ant” Tenna, BLESS YOU, HONEY! Love, Spamton G. Spamton

FEELS LIKE YOU NEGLECT YOURSELF SOME DAYS. ( a gentle pat on the knee. he moves, takes the other pant leg and wrings that out too. ) YOU COULD STAND TO BE A LITTLE MORE SELFISH.

HEY, HEY, HEY!! DON’T SAY THAT! YOU WERE TRYIN’ TO— HELP? ( seeing her laugh, he figures she’s okay enough, and starts to chuckle himself. ) ….. MAN!! WE’RE HOPELESS, HUH?

I NEVER SAID YOU WERE A LIAR!!! JUST, YOU KNOW! ( drops his sleeve. he takes one of tenna’s pant legs in his hands and bunches that up next, wringing it out. ) YOU DON’T WANNA WORRY PEOPLE! I KNOW ABOUT YOU.

I know a place where it's warm and it's dry, dear. Let me take you there. I am trying to say what I want to say, without having to say I Love You.

YEAH? WOULD YOU? ( he doesn’t sound convinced, At All. )

DON’T BE A SMARTASS! I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE YOU’RE OKAY. I DUNNO, MAYBE SOME PUNKS DUNKED YOU UNDERWATER AND I DIDN’T KNOW!

OH, MAN— ( an exhale of relief as she resurfaces, reaching out to carefully brush her fur back out of her face. ) ARE YOU OKAY?? GEEZ, I’M REAL SORRY, I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D ACTUALLY …

DON’T MENTION IT, BUDDY. ( bonks his shoulder with his head. takes his other sleeve, and wrings that out too. ) YOU SEEM SOGGIER THAN USUAL!

Dear Cathode, LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU! ( taking one of his sleeves and wringing it out. soggy… )

( beckoning him closer. )

—!!!!! OH, ᝰᏪຊ!!!! ( he holds the book over his head to keep it from getting any wetter, hustling over to where she went under and feeling around under the water for her. ) UHH , MS. TORIEL ??? ( please don’t drown. he can’t have that on his conscience. )

DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME— WORRY ABOUT YOUR BOOK!! IT SHOULD STILL BE OKAY! A COUPLE HOURS UNDER THE HAIRDRYER AND IT’LL BE GOOD AS NEW. ( his big, showboating grin falters— softens into something more genuine. he watches her laugh fondly. ) ……… A HERO, HUH? I DUNNO ABOUT THAT!!

A COLD? I’M PERPETUALLY DAMP ANYWAY, MY FRIEND! THIS IS NOTHING! ( he’s small, and nimble despite his age. he slips through her paws easily and takes a breath, dunking under the water. he comes back up, dripping wet but holding the package. )

Dear Ms. Toriel, HEY, NOT SILLY AT ALL! ONE SECOND, YOU SIT TIGHT, OKAY? LET ME JUST— ( he’s dropping his mail bag so the rest of the letters don’t get wet and wading into the dark water, groping around for the package even when it dips under the water. )

…… OH. SHOOT. THAT WAS YOURS?

WE THREW YOUR PACKAGE IN THE CREEK. SORRY.

WHO??? I JUST SAID WHO!!! WHO ARE YOU?? Looking forward to your response, Spamton G. Spamton

Dear Random Kid, HEY!!! GET YOUR OWN TRASH HEAP!!! From, Spamton G. Spamton

To: Patrons of the Arts, MADE ANOTHER SCARECROW IN MY EXILE From: Auteur G. Auteur

HEY, NOW, THEY SAY HELL IN YOUR HUMAN BIBLE, DON’T LIE, I’VE SEEN EM DOWN HERE. THAT MEANS IT’S NOT BAD TO SAY!!! BESIDES. I DON’T HAVE ANY CHUMP CHANGE TO SPARE!!!

// i know this quote has been beat to death at this point but it really is them. sorry

HUH??? WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT IN THERE, LITTLE BUDDY?

HO-LY ᝰᏪຊ!!!! THEY’RE A NATURAL!!!

To: Human Child ARE YOU GUYS SEEING THIS? SHOW STOPPING. MIND BLOWING!!! I’M GETTING CHILLS, FOLKS!!!

Dearly Beloved, MYY WIFE 8^] Love, Spamton G. Spamton

( clambers up him to sit on his shoulder )

………….. UM

To the esteemed residents of the Underground, GET READY HERE COMES THE MOST SPECIALEST TV EVER IF YOU DON’T CHEER AND CLAP FOR HIM ILL ᝰᏪຊING BLOW THIS WHOLE DUMP UP Sincerely, Spamton G. Spamton

// toriel is gonna make me cryyyyy 😭😭😭😭 she’s so sweet ……..

…… YEAH OKAY, KID.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA REMEMBER

// THIS IS CRAZY

^_^