I get it, the body keeps the score. But phew, it's turning into a blowout. No need to run up the score, body. Just go victory formation, take a knee, and run out the clock. We get it.

Neil Postman called it all in 1985's "Amusing Ourselves to Death"

I keep telling AI all my problems and now I’m worried Claude thinks I’m a loser.

There Will Be Jokes

👀 workingmethods.substack.com/p/wes-anders...

Been getting a lotta use outta this evergreen reply to every "podcaster is pivoting on 🍊" post...

Wild that AI replacing all these laptop jobs means that plumbers will have the last laugh over coders.

Comedy roundup: The Beatles were funny, think about the women, reaction shots, sources for comedy news, why you shouldn’t yell at hecklers, comedy movies to see, and more. 👇 buff.ly/MKnUgD5

Obama giving Kramer “champion in karate class” vibes:

The opposite of a microdose is a heroic dose. So if you're microdosing, you're an anti-hero.

Idea: Reality show where left and right extremists swap phones. "Wait, your timeline is telling you WHAT????" We can call it "So You Think You Can Think."

Everyone's always hating on these megarich tech nerds building doomsday bunkers. But I think it's quite kind for them to create such wonderful environments for the security guards who will kill them and marry their wives.

America was a better place when the late night hosts hated each other.

attachment style: avoidant love language: words of affirmation milk: almond original unsweetened

The internet is where we all go to be lonely together.

I know nothing about them. However, if there’s 1) a beef between two people with the same name and 2) one spells it Alex and the other Alix, then I’m Team Alex.

The manosphere is bringing unobtainable beauty standards to men the same way pharma companies brought disorders to children. The business term for this is “targeting nonconsumers.” Instead of trying to capture an existing market, you create a new one.

I'm convinced this is some new kind of kink: white guy with furrowed brow who seems like villain from an 80's movie makes shallow political argument until calm black lady subtly demeans him with tone of a kindergarten teacher forced to deal with a misbehaving child. i guess people love it?

Orange wine, Dubai chocolate, and matcha are the angels, demons, and antichrist of the left.

Everyone online is like, “Clavicular is the Geese of looksmaxxers!” And everyone IRL is like, “WTF are you talking about?”

Ursa, General Zod, and Non! Phew, the villains from Superman 2 really hit different now.

All you had to do is take one look at Swalwell. Classic "I want to undo one more button on my shirt"/DTF energy.

Pay per view. Chris Rock gets one slap on Will Smith. Proceeds go to charity. Will make billions. Let's go. #slapoff

wow!

I've found few terms rankle women more than the phrase "geriatric pregnancy." Maybe we should force men to endure something like that too. Fellas, you don't have "erectile dysfunction," you've got "geriatric boners."

The Vice President, who converted to Catholicism in 2019, is lecturing the Pope about theology!? That’s like downloading Duolingo and immediately correcting a Parisian’s pronunciation of ‘croissant.’

Kate McKinnon: "The essence of a comedic character is found in juxtaposition. Whenever I’m stuck, I come up with an adjective and a noun diametrically opposed…Find ways to highlight that juxtaposition over and over in a series of escalating beats and that’s a sketch." 👇 buff.ly/Cj7pKmP

Society keeps getting crazier because it's so much harder to monetize sanity. There are no centrist grifters, y'know? Incentives gonna incentive so we all wind up living in TuckerPikerLand™️, where each of us must believe in either the antichrist or H@mas.

Baseball managers getting ejected is such silly theater. They aren't really needed anyway. It's like "Oh no, what will his team do now that there's no one making phone calls, crossing things off on a piece of paper, and chewing sunflower seeds?"

"The way Christian Nationalism drivel is leaking into mainstream culture sucks. This isn’t about angels, demons, or anything else pulled from a Dan Brown novel. We don’t need 'spiritual warfare.' We need for Americans to stop being easily duped morons." mattruby.substack.com/p/the-demons...

I go onstage and talk to hundreds of people every week. It's taught me something social media users misunderstand... What extremely online people think: "Everybody knows what I'm talking about." What everyone else thinks: "We have no idea what you're talking about."

I wonder if The Jackal ever suffered from impostor syndrome.

I wrote about Trump attending a UFC fight. One thing I noticed: You could literally spot him from the other side of the arena. "I get 45’s hair now. It's like a lighthouse. You can see it from a mile away, like a beacon of fakery. The red tie pops too."

Installed an app on my phone for my Chinese vacuum. It has a map of my apartment too. I can't help but think this could wind up in some kinda Hezbollah beeper situation.

Regime change!

I hate this defense: "It's a hit piece." So what? If ya out here acting like a punching bag...

NYC. Jokes. This week.

Libertarians never get elected. But our economy now seems largely based on gambling (DraftKings), weed (dispensaries), porn (OnlyFans), and fringe speech (podcasts), so I feel like they already won.

Bring back 3 things to solve America! 1) Smoke breaks: They let us take a rest from each other every 90mins – and get fresh air. 2) Water coolers: A physical place to gather around and have actual conversations. 3) Dunk tanks: Provided a playful way to vent our anger at agreed upon targets.

Kinda lame how 90% of the poly people in Brooklyn are circus/aerial performers. What if you wanna hook up with a bunch of people yet hate Cirque de Soleil?

My ex was just like that movie "Crazy Rich Asians" except she’s not rich or Asian.

Why are so many podcasters jumping ship? Does the President envy Iran? Should we let Hegseth drink again? 👇 NEW RUBESLETTER 👇 mattruby.substack.com/p/were-all-t...

I ❤️ comedian podcasts because it’s fascinating to watch narcissists pretend to be interested in someone else until it’s their turn to talk again.

Trump just gifted all his cabinet members new shoes!

"Watch comedian Matt Ruby perform four sets: one high, one drunk, one on 🍄🍄🍄, and one sober. It's a one-of-a-kind standup special/documentary/experiment unlike anything you've ever seen before. Weed, booze, 🍄🍄🍄, and sober: Will he crash & burn or stick the landing?" 👇 www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ak5...

Technology has made our lives so frictionless that even the tiniest bit of grit now feels like a massive wound.

Let’s start framing algorithms as non-consensual. Everyone inserted (against my will) into my X timeline is like this guy: Weird cartoon avatar, fierce animal username like “ToughPanda253”, random bible passage, tribalist MAGA propaganda, and 💪🇺🇸 emojis. *Collect ‘em all and you’ve got XINGO!* Blech.

The way he's sidelined the military/Generals/legit strategists should be deeply alarming to all of us. There are seemingly no more adults left in the room. It's like we turned over the world's most powerful fighting force to a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit.

Will the easter bunny also be next to him when he nukes Iran? Or is he gonna pull out the cookie monster for that one?