Right now feels like Vladimir Putin calling in his chips. "It's time to pay up. Destroy NATO."

I am as impressed by the strength of the people of Minneapolis as I am saddened by the cowardice of the Republican enablers who put us here.

"I don’t want the face of Judaism to be tyranny-friendly oligarchs, propaganda-spewing grifters, Michael Rapaport rants, and attacks against Ms. Rachel and Doctors Without Borders. (Who’s next: Mr. Rogers, Sully, and Meals on Wheels!?)." On Bari Weiss and the Ellisons takeover of CBS News... 👇

Being online makes you feel crappy. But... Feeling crappy is the new feeling good. Because... The thing we fear most now is feeling nothing. So... We embrace feeling crappy because it's feeling *something*. Us: "The internet makes me feel terrible." The internet: "You're welcome!"

"We need to stop these SF tech bros working on AI." "Oh, so you're an AI hater." "Nah, I'm a believer. But it's getting to the point that I'm more afraid of America winning the AI race than China."

Bari Weiss is running an identity shell game where she uses her “I used to be a liberal but then the wokes ruined it” card to smuggle in soothing propaganda for self-proclaimed “heterodox” thinkers (e.g. people who love Israel, wealthy tech bros, and Bill Maher fans).

Somalis need to start a cult, build a ranch in the woods, and stock it with a ton of ammo. That way, these militia types will make sure federal agents never touch 'em.

Bari Weiss 2021: "I told my readers to tell the truth. I insisted that we call out lies. I said we needed to be willing to stand alone in standing up for what’s right; to be uncool; to sacrifice personal prestige or professional gain for virtues that endure." Bari Weiss 2026:

The top right wing kink's gotta be Blonde Woman Gaslights Reporter at Press Conference.

The natural enemy of tripping on 🍄🍄🍄 is connecting to the Bluetooth. Somehow, *everything* in the universe is connected…except for my Spotify and this JBL speaker.

"We're having our wedding at a planetarium." "Um, RACIST." "Do you know what a planetarium is?" "Yes, I know all about slavery." "Did you think I said plantation?" "Whatever gets you through the night, man."

These Minnesota Somalis need to start a cult, build a ranch in the middle of nowhere, and stock it with a bunch of ammo. Then these militia types will make sure federal agents can't get near 'em.

"The obstacle course of awards show monologues involves navigating two very different audiences: the people watching at home and the stars in the room." On Nikki Glaser hosting the Golden Globes... (link below)

Turns out the masks weren’t so tough for ‘em to wear after all.

Hey bro podcasters who are realizing you were duped by Trump: Remember how much you screamed that the mainstream media should take accountability and "fall on their sword" for getting things wrong about Covid, lockdown, Hunter's laptop, etc.? Here's your chance to model how it's done!

My heart goes out to those struggling the most right now: Iranian protestors and NYC Verizon customers.

Wrote all about the Chappelle special. It's coming soon to FUNNY HOW along with other good stuff. Get it by signing up here: funnyhow.substack.com

Social media is incapable of understanding that art is not supposed to be an endorsement of behavior. Not everything is supposed to be a proud representation of your gender, race, tribe, etc. Nor do villains need to be one-dimensionally evil. Let go of your childish notion of "representation."

I guess that L was just another "ego death" for Aaron Rodgers. 👀 mattruby.substack.com/p/an-ayahuas...

It’s not like we’re doing *fascism* fascism. It's more like California fascism.

If I was a cop, I’d be embarrassed that these lucky-to-be-security-guards in ICE are running around with the word “Police” on their vests. And I’d speak up about it. 🧵

Nikki did a great job at the Globes. And if you're into comedians sh*tting on Bari Weiss, I got you covered here: mattruby.substack.com/p/if-you-liv...

10 Good Things re: comedy... - How Shane Gillis works out new material - Where ideas come from - Conan on grief - using the stage - improv wisdom - and more 👀 funnyhow.substack.com/p/10-good-th...

If it was socially acceptable to sleep in a coffin, I’d probably go for that. Velvet lining, built-in blackout curtains...seems cozy.

Has anyone who's been published at The Free Press condemned what's happening at CBS News since Bari's takeover? Just sayin' now would be a great time for those folks to prove they're truly as heterodox as they claim to be.

My hot take: This should be on every "US Holidays" calendar and it's a crime that it isn't. Super Bowl Scheduled: Feb 8, 2026

Amazing that we've got warships in the *Caribbean*, the spiciest state is *Minnesota*, and the guy in charge of medicine *doesn't believe in medicine*.

This whole plane can't eat peanuts because of one person! I mean, who's the terrorist now?

Idea: An allergy restaurant! The server just talks to you about your allergies for 45 minutes...and actually, it’s therapy.

Anyone know how to contact Renee Good's family? I sell sparklers and t-shirt cannons IDEAL for funerals. Just wondering if they wanna get in on Erika Kirk's racket. P.S. Got a videographer on call if they wanna do a weeping-on-the-casket TikTok too.

Me watching standup crowdwork clips go viral must be how classical musicians feel when this pops up in their timeline...

🎶 Just wrap your legs around this LCD display / And strap your hands 'cross my lithium battery 🎶 -2026 Bruce Springsteen

"This machine is defective and not working as it should."

Not discussed nearly enough: how poorly trained these ICE goons are. Best case is they're overweight, masked klutzes doing some kinda Keystone Cops/Benny Hill routine. Worst case they're just straight up murdering a woman when all they had to do was take two steps to the right.

Gov't by cartoon

“White Lotus” creator Mike White spent 25 years working on failed TV shows: “I just feel like I’m like a surfer who’s been in the ocean for 25 years and suddenly caught a wave. And you know, if you stay out there long enough, you’re going to catch a wave.” 👇 funnyhow.substack.com/p/nipsey-hus...

“What you need to understand is how much oil this box contains.” -Pandora

[Carrie on laptop voice] I couldn't help but wonder: If every woman I know is on antidepressants, have we pathologized being a woman?

Photographer Christopher Anderson: "Cut through the stage-managed image to reveal something more real...Above all else, [I] try to cut through the image that politics want to project and get at something that is more truthful." 👇 workingmethods.substack.com/p/christophe...

Coming soon to FUNNY HOW (my Substack about doing standup). Subscribe here: funnyhow.substack.com

You used to have say stuff to someone's face or behind their back. Either of those worked in its own way. Social media has created a new, third path...and it really sucks.

If I understood statistics, I never would have done half the stuff I've done in my life. Maybe even two-thirds. I'm not sure.

I don’t take any SSRI’s. I have trad brain.

Coming soon! Sign up here to get my Substack in your inbox: open.substack.com/pub/mattruby...

👀 mattruby.substack.com/p/quickies-g...

The amount that this AI crap is turning us all into "was this written by AI?" detectives is such a colossal time suck. Every time I get an email or read an essay now, I'm searching for em dashes like I'm prose Columbo .

It's cute that people who watch FOX News think $600 boots are the height of luxury. Oh, honey. Carrie spent $40K on shoes on Sex and the City! Welcome to life not shopping at Kohl's. 👢

meet me in the forest

Wrap-up post time! Some of my fave gems from the past year of Rubesletters: The 4 types of men, quiet quitting, impressions, and more... 👇 mattruby.substack.com/p/the-4-type...