Nobody in history has ever said, “Wow, great use of the exclamation point, Trump.”

Saving cat videos is my emotional retirement plan.

Remember when George W. Bush was the low bar? Nostalgia hits weird.

If I save one more TikTok “for later” I’m gonna owe myself rent.

“Circle back” is just corporate for “ignore until it becomes someone else’s problem.”

When someone’s too happy in the morning, assume either cult or caffeine.

Imagine being followed by more people than Moses and still tweeting like an intern.

No child has ever walked into a restaurant quietly with crayons.

In real life, people don’t whisper big secrets. They yell them accidentally in a CVS.

Can we get a ‘do not ever contact me again under any circumstances’ unsubscribe button?

Guy who invented lamps: “What if the sun, but tiny and judgmental?”

Open tabs are the start of a personal crisis.

“Your call is very important” is code for “go scream into the void.”

Imagine thinking LinkedIn messages are urgent.

Most of adulthood is saying “we should hang out” and never doing it.

Every podcast intro sounds like someone forgot to hit record, then kept it anyway.

Posting one inspirational quote is legally binding—you’re a life coach now.

Pretty sure dolphins should be making climate decisions by now.

“Ghosted” is just a cute way to say “you got straight-up abandoned.”

If your meditation app doesn’t work while you spiral, is it even trying?

Telling your phone you’re “just checking one thing” is how screen time reaches hours.

Life is just small wins and massive errors with snacks in between.

“Oversight” somehow means both “watching closely” and “whoops, we missed that.”

Pretty sure the inventor of the doorbell just got tired of yelling “I’m here!”

Soviet bread lines were still shorter than the Trader Joe’s checkout.

Not one soul is waiting for your Yelp review, Kyle.

When Abraham Lincoln wore that giant hat, he was basically cosplaying wisdom.

Orwell was an optimist with WiFi.

To a cat, the entire house is a throne.

Hardest decision for Survivor contestants is how to wear a scarf.

Your call is important to us, which is why we’ve assigned it to an emotionless robot.

How do we still say “First Black to ____” in 2025?

Just saving frog memes in case I need backup dopamine.

Telling someone “you remind me of a young Joe Rogan” is a great way to ruin a vibe.

No one will ever invade countries for their recycling program

No one will ever invade countries for their human rights but if they’ve got oil, suddenly everyone’s deeply concerned about democracy.

Wild how Uber drivers live in their car but never touch the A/C.

Women get hotter with age. Anyone saying otherwise is trying to sell foot toner.

“This is NPR.” We know. It’s been smooth jazz and whispers about global collapse.

No one’s waiting for your response on LinkedIn, I promise.

If we’ve learned anything from everything, it’s that we’ve learned absolutely nothing.

Guy who invented the couch: “You’re gonna want to collapse for this.”

If you don’t believe in climate change, don’t worry about expiration dates either.

The older you get, the more life revolves around charging cables.

"I read your email" is a modern-day hostage negotiation.

Sorry, autocorrect is my second language now.

Nothing screams adulthood like saving empty boxes because they’re good boxes.

Bluetooth speakers at the beach are just passive-aggressive noise pollution.

Ordering online is excitement followed by instant regret.

“No worries if not” means I’m quietly judging you forever.