her: tell me something you've never told anyone else me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us her: who? me: holy shit

Ludacris told me "If you ain't got no money, take yo broke ass home" and I've been home ever since

Three-year-old child forced to serve as her own attorney in Tucson immigration court. When animals were tried in medieval courts, they had lawyers.

tyrannical corrupt regime, lead by a felon,narcissist,needs to be seen by the US public for what it is. The US public will need to confront this corruption of its highest offices and officials, and deal with the illegality being perpetrated in the name of the US people,and its collapsing democracy.

i be like "idgaf" then talk to myself about it for 4 days

When my doctor wanted to know whom to contact in an emergency, I wrote down his name.

People only say “sus” because they can’t spell suspishus

flies are literally obsessed with flying into a room then pretending they cant get out. grow up

INSERT A CLOVE OF GARLIC INTO THE ANUS. IN 30 MINUTES THE PARASITES RUSH OUT IN PANIC.

You cannot advertise to me in a way that matters.

Ah yes, the classic ‘we’ll fund the government by charging ourselves higher prices at Walmart’ strategy. Bold, revolutionary and incredibly stupid.

The conservative part of the supreme court has been ruling against their own, as well as every American's, best interest for a decade now. RIP 14th Amendment, we hardly knew you for 157 years. Tell the 4th Amendment we miss it when you get to heaven.

her: where'd you learn to flirt like that? me: Taco Bell sauce packets

"bypassing traditional milestones" is a funny way of saying that most of us can't afford to buy a house with multiple jobs, won't have children because we can't afford them, most of our degrees are useless, and we are the poorest generation among all current living generations

Did you know? Black Friday is named in honor of Rebecca Black, who invented Friday in 2011.

Once again, MAGA demonstrates that they do not understand calendars.

In the maga mind the shooter is always a Democrat, and when the shooter turns out to be a Republican it's still the Democrats fault.

Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world, I do it and I'm "making Thanksgiving awkward."

Believing facts and trusting science doesn't mean you're a "liberal." It means you're "literate."

"'Avoiding politics' at Thanksgiving is how we got Trump. Put on juggalo war paint and politicize everything. Redistribute the bread rolls. Nationalize the Monopoly game. Unionize the flag football league. Incite a kids' table uprising. Make a guillotine for your table centerpiece"

i am rooting for whatever will remove his stench from the world the quickest and with the most pain.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I'd have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it's mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Extreme wealth They are taught that they are important and special so they never learn perspective. They are coddled and therefore never acquire healthy coping skills. They don't understand regular people, or society or so many of the small things that contribute to growth and emotional development.

Parents should be charged with murder. Depraved Indifference.

Salt can't be the only delicious rock. I'm going to eat rocks to find the good ones. I bet they're trying to keep them from us

trump pardoned the biggest fentanyl dealer in the country. But he's blowing up fishing boats.

Create the illusion of purpose through work. You're not gonna escape the dread but you can be too exhausted to think about it

Dementia Don strikes again 🙌, without his handlers around to control him, he still literally agrees with the current person he’s talking to. Same problem from first administration, where he’d give contradictory approvals based on the last person he talked with.

Is that why we are blowing up their fishing boats? Fucking Hugo Chavez & Jeffery Epstein - the ghosts of Christmas past

Why aren't there dinosaur ghosts?

Mushrooms are such weird little guys. They're tasty. They're hallucinogenic. They're poisonous. They are one. They are many. They will outlive us. You will eat them. They will eat you. And some of them look like little houses.

Oh no I really hope Clinton isn't in the Epstein files, I'll have to get rid of my Clinton hat and my Clinton sneakers and my Clinton cologne and my Clinton watch and take down my Clinton flag and I'll have to delete my Clinton nft trading cards What will I do with my Clinton Bible

Exactly this. America is compromised but Europe isn't. Hook em up.

It really is astonishing. The more he shits on them, the more that they love him. Maybe they feel like they did something bad to anger Daddy, so they have to make up for it with love. Fascinating.

Deport foreign workers with legal status. No one to take jobs. Economy begins to crumble. Claim bringing in foreign workers is good. Take credit for fixing the problem that didn't exist before I created it.

jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like "call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder here's fifteen dollars."

in twenty-twenty-whack no one can afford that shit

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won't satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood me: one sec, let me cook

My headcanon is that minecraft is about a marooned sailor in the 19th century. My evidence is that upon finding out that the christian hell is a real place which exists, the character's first instinct and canon path of progression is to strip mine it for resources

“Remove all joy.” - DJT

You think Trump is more angry over this guy making him look bad, or that he didn't share