The Karl Havoc sketch being five years old is fucked up right

The Disney Ichabod Crane film is so fucking cool right?

“I’ll eat some pie later, but right now I’m full” -person who has been at the orgy for a while

Contrary to popular belief, Dagwood did not invent “the sandwich”

*making my date watch Mortal Kombat (1995)* Shhh, you’re gonna miss the part where Kano eats dinner with Goro

There should be a rule that if you are a Known Sports Poster you can say things like “holy fucking shit” with zero context but if you are primarily a Known Politics Poster that gets you like a two day ban

Give a mouse a cigarette and he’ll smoke for days hashtag Marlboro wisdom

Hey I know this is last minute but I invited 96 quite bitter beings to the function

“Yeah man you should come over and we can throw something in a pot. I think we can really cook together” -the soup collaborator

“Shaggy is only an interesting character when he’s in a red shirt.” -Quentin Tarantino, unprompted

“We’re making foods no one should eat.” -the CEO of Forbidden Food Family Restaurant

“Do you know why I don’t kill the joker, Alfred? It’s because he low key cracks me tf up” -Batman

What the fuck is he talking about

Heidegger is tough but fair

“*groan* vampire style kung fu inferior, monster style kung fu superior” -Frankenstein’s monster

Shaolin monks running over to a table holding a giant orange Gatorade container and filming little dixie cups with Gatorade between training sessions

Me trying to give someone directions in the I Spy book we live in: “Okay so you’re gonna drive down and turn right at the marble and then follow the road and turn left at the jacks, but be careful because the turn can really sneak up on ya. If you see the alphabet block then you’ve gone too far

My favorite American gladiator could beat your favorite American gladiator

Burger King has announced that they are discontinuing the long chicken sandwich because they’ve hunted the long chicken into near extinction

Got married at Burger King and we used onion rings as our wedding rings! Just kidding we used real wedding rings but you have to try Burger King onion rings

You know Batman had to be rolling his eyes everytime he would walk into a room in Arkham Asylum and the riddler would be in his ear like “by the way there’s a riddle in here”

Telltale has announced a new game based off of Dilbert

I hate that shit about the grimace being a taste bud

A guy who was walking with a sleeve of crackers and a guy was walking with a bowl of rosemary and they collided and created rosemary crackers

I’m kinda new to Star Wars and the Darth Vader character is super super fascinating and like, did they ever get into his backstory in any way like real in depth?

We should go back to a gold coin based currency

If you’re insisting on going to Jabba’s party tonight then be warned: nothing good ever happens at Jabba’s party after 7:00 pm

Just a little poem I wrote last night for years please don’t be too harsh I’m not very good

Something everyone on earth looks forward to is the first pee of the new year

Look at how badass the art in the back of this old ocarina of time strategy guides

Oh is it new years? I was busy reading a book and not looking at my phone

In the Star Wars world Luke Skywalker is making so much money from royalties of his likeness

An actress named Ann Actress

“Excuse me I have to commune with the spirts *tequila bottle uncorks*” - the boozey psychic

“You know, I have thoughts about subjects that are outside the NBA as well” -Kenny “The Jet” Smith

I don’t care what you say, but my constant headaches are caused by my inner consciousness trying to escape my body; not because I’m severely dehydrated because I think drinking liquids is womanly

Major League Baseball is taking steps to limit the number of foul balls hit during the season after investigators uncovered that foul balls are rounded up after games and are inhumanely put down for “not being useful anymore”

Uh oh, the FDA is recalling banana bunches because of reports of deadly black tarantulas hiding in them

“those are some nice raisins…for me to scoop on!” -Triumph, the Insult Comic Box of Bran Flakes

Cyclops is awesome because he can shoot lasers from his eyes

No athlete will ever look this fly again

Learning about dash rendar right now. that’s the shit!

Oh so cutie honey really is the coolest shit of all time?

I capitalize proper nouns in my messages because I’m a huge pussy

Warlock Casey Kasem: “Here’s a curse…”

Michael Douglas only got sick because he was eating radioactive pussy

[doing backing vocals for Sam Cooke] Science Book

Well now that the holidays are over it’s time to enjoy 10 more suckass months until the only good parts of the year happen again

Learned from my father just now that David Carradine died from auto-erotic asphyxiation

Caught a glimpse of Santa last night and I swear to god he was wearing one of those Naruto headbands