“Forget this, I’m going to go eat a lot of krill” -the fed up (and hungry) whale

I’ve been having an affair with the charmin bears mom for many years

Damn yo mama built like Renamon

My daily schedule: 12 PM - wake up on the coach and turn off 12 hr vintage commercials compilation I fell asleep to 12:30 - 6:30 - smoke some weed lol 7:00 - 7:20 - force vomit to eliminate traces of weed from my system (I think what I’m doing is evil) 7:30 PM: late lunch & weed 8:30 : bed

Lexapro has teamed up with Betty Crocker to make the first ever anti-depressant gusher

Thinking about getting into pokemon, I’m running out of real animals to collect

Ate yo mama’s pussy so hard I got turf toe and will be going on the 15 Day IL

Would you rather have to fight killer klowns from outer space or killer clowns from planet earth? One the one hand the outer space klowns have fantastical alien abilities, but on the other hand the earth clowns know the terrain better

Leonard Cohen standing uncomfortably close: you know, I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it ended up pleasing the lord. But, I mean, you don’t really care for music do you? Me, in the middle of trying to bowl a perfect 300 game: fuck off dude

I can’t believe all the stuff in we didn’t start the fire happened in just under five minutes

You know The Twilight Zone was right: the monsters *are* due on maple street

They should make happy meals for adults and instead of toys they put in stuff adults would care for like scented candles, lotions, JC Penney gift cards, etc

You know Doctor Doom probably thinks chess is cooler than football

Be careful, there have been reports of sickos putting whoopers into kids Halloween buckets

Caveman Ernest: Hey Vern, you ever hear of ‘fire’ Vern?

Hey, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and the third guy, Michael Collins I think, if you really want to impress me try walking on Jupiter

The reason why people love sandwiches is simple: it’s the only food you can eat with your hands

“Sorry, don’t mind me I’m just stretching my legs.”

“I’ve been guzzling too much gas I need to stop” -the self conscious car

Top 5 Christmas treats: 1. Cookie in the shape of a Christmas tree 2. Cookie shaped like Santa 3. Candy cane shaped cookie 4. Candy cane 5. Roasted goose

I was thinking about these old baseball figures and how funny it would’ve been if they made this a Randy Johnson build a figure wave

Well well it seems that once again I have to deal with the Herculean task of figuring out how to change the clock on my dashboard back a hour

I’ve been listening to old America’s Top 40 broadcasts out of curiosity and honestly they’re just really enjoyable to listen to? Like, it’s just nice to have music presented in that format

None of the players or coaches for the Atlanta falcons are on bluesky which sucks because I want them to see me call them mean names

Baseball is bread and circuses anyone else feel this

Watched a video explaining the “science behind hitting a baseball” and they never once mentioned that grit and determination are the only science a ball player needs

If someone has the same name as a big celebrity the less famous person has to change it

Gay Bill Engvall: “here’s your sign *sign revealed to say “I want to have gay sex with you”*

“Stop pointing that gun at me, I know my rights!” -Batman

Every adult should have either the summer or the winter off would that be awesome

“This ain’t your birthday, son!”

Jack and the beanstalk was written as an allegory for why humanity shouldn’t go to the moon

If you perform an active reload while jacking off you get to cum twice as much

There should’ve been a version of America’s top 40 countdown called America’s bottom 40 countdown where they played the 40 least popular songs of the week and Casey Kasem was allowed to swear

Look I’ll be straight with you all, when I hired the CGI workmen from the money for nothing music video I did not know their history of holding problematic views/using problematic language. I do not listen to music because it gives me fainting spells. I apologize for hiring them

Blob Seger and the Silver Ghoullet Band: Halloween Nights Halloween Hills She was looking for a fright A werewolf was giving me chills

Halloween hot take: all holidays are equally scary

Can you believe Dracula brought his fucking son to the monster mash

“Hmmmm…fire okay” -Frankenstein’s monster after getting used to earth customs

no no the monsters from monsters inc. were scaring people for nuanced reasons

Actually fucking appalled that the post credit scene of Scooby doo 2 is revealing the secret code to the gameboy tie in game

When are they going to make *the* definitive Scooby Doo documentary?

no! the critics are wrong! family guy has only gotten better with age!!!!

*sunday school teacher voice* it’s like this children, Jesus lives at the North Pole and the Devil lives at the South Pole

Similar to how Godzilla is a metaphor for Japanese sentiment after world war 2, King Kong is a metaphor for American sentiment after the great monkey war

I hope whoever designed Peg Pete got a huuuuuuge raise

Would love to take an experimental serum that makes my veins glow green

“And if you can’t remember the lesson of my book, here’s something that’ll make it easier: if you go to hell, you will not be doing well” -Dante

Does anyone want to buy me these smoking hanna-barbera guys