Sometimes I have this sense of heterosexual yearning that’s the same feeling as wishing I lived in a fantasy world. Like I see women that are so beautiful im like man I wish I could be attracted to them but heterosexuality doesn’t exist 😔

“I’m clicker training my pup” I’m injecting dopamine into a voodoo doll of my pup and it’s 20,000 times more effective

Everyone talks about how high schoolers keep looking younger But no one talks about how the parents of high schoolers keep looking younger. Tell me why I somehow feel tricked by some twink with adult braces inviting tops over cuz his daughter is driving on a road trip, confiscate his sunscreen wtf

Could you imagine growing up lgbt in the 60s it must’ve been awful. Like zero hyper pop, no speed core, I’d just have to listen to the beetles or smth

Maybe just Mandela effect but did the moon used to be made of cheese?

*perfect parries your dick making you cum instantly*

It feels like there’s not a great word a daddy can use back to refer to his boy (just saying ‘hey, boy’ is kind of awkward, it’s giving ‘forgot their name’). Except when you’re a pup because I really feel the age play when a millennial calls me “doggo”

Hot guy: takes off his shirt Me: Chudai

No one ever talks about gay bathhouse survivor bias where hot guys enter, find a hookup quickly because they’re hot, and leave.This causes unhot men to take up the majority of bathhouse hours even if most entering men are hot.

I think about how Katy Perry killed that nun at least once a week

Three bean ché is one of my favorite desserts which confuses some people that I just want three kinds of beans over ice as a treat. As if a vanilla mocha isn’t just three bean water.

No one talks about the most difficult part of trying to lift someone small and fuck them which is staying hard while your blood is pumping to your biceps. Hydraulic boners are honestly a flawed system

Catfishing is lame until you view it as the modern equivalent of being a Siren

Going to an Indian restaurant and asking for a ‘chai tea’ just to feel something

About 1 in every 8192 people’s very first starter Pokemon was a shiny.

Sonic the hedgehog’s personality being based on Bill Clinton is one of the only times I’ve legitimately felt the need to fact check Wikipedia

Bark no homo

When you rip your jeans they get more holes, but when you rip fishnets they get less holes

Can I give a dog body dysmorphia by putting them in VR as a jacked furry?

You know how gay people often end up dating people that look like them? Well if you want to find yours a fast easy way is going on your barber’s instagram and looking through their followers and flirting with them.

Crazy how Tentacles can fit into every fantasy genre.

Instead of hearing protection I’ve starting opening a settings menu in my head and turning down the master volume slider as a placebo

If I put activated charcoal into holy water will it become normal water?

I could be your next skincare routine

Waking up as a giant insect nowadays just doesn’t hit like it used to back in 1915. “oh no I hope I am not neglected by society in my new grotesque bo-.” Yeah shut up and get in the fake taxi.

They really need to invent more deadly sins, I tried them all already

I ate the Reaper from Dave’s hot after Steamworks before realizing I couldn’t drink milk without it interfering with my Doxypep. Do I drink the milk? Do I choose burning when I poo or do I choose burning when I pee?

How do I tip a circumcised guy at the strip club? Like where do I tuck the dollar bills

god you’re so mentally ill *starts fondling your balls*

Hemorrhoids are like the clitoris of the bussy if the clitoris got Botox

I’m going to dethrone coffee mate as America’s #1 creamer

Gonna start one of those dine-in movies where they serve you the food in the movie as it comes on screen, but it’s porn and you get to lick the actors.

Call me the US Patriot Act the way your Bush has got me putting on a show at TSA

Getting caged is like the opposite of getting fixed.

“A Bear?” Me: puts on my baseball cap, cumming instantly “Kugel the Bear!”

I found a new lighting hack. Body dysmorphia cancelled

Call me Moses the way I’m fixated on your hot bush

Damn daddy are you Italy in the 1940s 😏 because you have no concept of boundaries

Considering changing career paths to pipette manufacturing so I can make good tips

Apparently “you’d be really hot if you lost 30 pounds” is NOT the right thing to say while findomming a British dude

Happy pride month. Trynna channel my inner fairy. But not like 🧚‍♀️🌸✨no I’m talking about these kinda fairies:

I keep looking stuff up about how to grow more body hair and Instagram has responded by giving me constant hair removal ads. The beckoning of twinkdom taunts me. If I see one more laser hair removal on my for you page I’m going to shave Mark Zuckerberg

Do I actually like to top or do I just enjoy the cardio

Looking for big booty boys with anterior pelvic tilt 😍 If you’re not giving Velociraptor or Chronic back pain in your early 40s you’re not my mans

I don’t really get why cars are the only things made as hybrids. Like if my phone runs out of battery, just let it run on fossil fuels. I should not need an outlet and a charger if I’m right next to a gas station 😤

The sexual tension between you and someone who just got interrupted but you looked at them and continued listening to what they’re saying

Sometimes when I do too much skincare I look in the mirror and I’m like fuck am I ai generated?

Can you buy flavored lube with food stamps? Asking for a friend

Are you an anti derivative? Because I want you to be in the area under my curves

Why is it kind of hot thinking about when micro plastics pass through my blood brain barrier. 😵‍💫🥴 Daddy Michelin himbofy me with that tire particulate matter 😩