Today's random Facebook throw-it-against-the-wall algorithm: UK pages full of boomers complaining about electric cars and the lack of butchers and bakeries on High Street. Have I just blocked so many pages that the zuck machine is throwing darts at a dartboard?

henlo stepen miler helllo STINKY stephen miller go eat a great replacement theory ugly

Based on the pantload of anti-Talarico crap that just flooded my Facebook feed for the first time this morning, my guess is Big Collusion is scared shitless of Texas flipping. They've got every prosperity gospel grifter and shit-stirring bot account at Defcon Five and it's not even lunchtime EDT.

Expecting cancellations, we put together a backup roster for America's Backyard Wrestling Freedom Hoedown and Tire Sale. Empty slots will be filled by: - Supertramp (the tramp, not the band) - partially repaired Chuck E Cheese robots - The Waves (no Katrina) - hologram Charlie Daniels - Aaron Lewis

This just in, President Trump has issued an executive order restoring Milli Vanilli's Grammy award on the eve of their performance at the Great American Fair Thingy. You may recall that -- -- sorry, we're getting breaking news that Milli Vanilli has GIVEN their Grammy to President Trump

I asked Dana 'can we put lions in the cage, to eat the fighters, or they can punch out the lions?' Li-on. Lion. People don't know that's an animal. They think "lyin,'" like what Dumocrats do, but I told people, I saw a picture of one on my weekly annual cognitive test, they're such hot animals now

Maybe we wouldn't need any data centers at all if we took all the click farmers making AI signs about tipping and then writing posts about how they "just walked past this restaurant, what do you think" and catapulted them into the sun

Sam Altman might destroy civilization to enrich himself and his evil buddies but he'll never not look like a guy who might have mumps

Just headin’ in for my routine blood transfusion after my routine induced coma once my routine defibrillation interrupts my routine flatline and they scoop my routine organs back into the routine hole in my body cavity nothing to see here I’m still healthy and in charge and strong like bull

Love a weird provenance. Wound up with two copies of a classical CD apparently made as a promotional tchotchke by a pharmaceutical company, featuring a European orchestra their parent company bankrolled. Wonder how many of these are sitting unopened on retired doctors’ shelves, gifts from sales reps

“We really need this ballroom. It’s a big room for - well, not what you’re thinking, they’ll tear me apart for saying it, but you know. YOU know, lady. You know who really needed more ballroom, Arnold Palmer, you ever hear the stories? That guy in the shower, hey now! Anyway, troops, dead, sad huh”

I wish to live in a world where Bricking The Kindle is either a rad 80s skateboard move or a bizarre sex act and not just a company being a bunch of dickweeds

Today's free Substack post is all about yard sales, 45s, weird old men at record shows, and misremembered garage-rock singles. keithbergman.substack.com/p/inefficien...

Why have drug stores become more dystopian than post offices or the lobbies of plasma donation centers? You're a going concern with massive infrastructure, finding a bottle of probiotics and a bag of Ruffles shouldn't feel like scavenging a looted mall in a zombie movie

Y'all, the "did you know groceries cheaper than restaurant" guy is doing it for clicks. He's a content farmer. It's ragebait. It's the only growth industry left if you don't already own an oil company or a data center. He's heard "we got McDonald's at home," I promise.

I remember when my dad couldn't make it to my wedding because he was too busy capitulating to a newly emboldened hardline fundamentalist regime

"I gotta stay up till 3 to take this antibiotic but I'm a night owl, it'll be fine." [finally reads side effects] may cause severe fatigue, and will cause esophageal ulcers if you lay down too soon after taking it "Well, shit."

Who knew that the real test of whether we wanted to keep America was "don't vote for the guy who spends the night before his son's wedding making AI videos where he throws a talk show host in a dumpster" and we failed that simple and specific test

Trump announces that he will not be seated at his son's wedding, but he may find time to fly over it in an AI video and take a dump on the procession

I MAY BE OLD, BUT I SAW ALL THE GOOD BANDS (AND THEN LIVED LONG ENOUGH TO THINK AI PICTURES OF THEM SITTING WITH A DEAD COLLEAGUE AND HOLDING UP SIGNS ABOUT AMERICA WERE REAL AND WORTH SHARING),,,

I choose to believe there's a person out there named Lee Cardholder who gets a delicious thrill out of letting magazine ads show pictures of their credit cards to the entire world, heedless of the risks

Argue all you want about AI show flyers and corny boomer memes, but a restaurant slopping out an AI ad? Instead of pictures of their actual food? How is this even a debate? Not rolling the dice on your robot clipart enchiladas, man, get out your phone and show me what you cooked or I ain't coming.

They call me [doctor loooove] They call me Doctor Love [doctor love] My name's not Doctor Love [doctor loooooove] There's been a mixup at the naaaame tag factoryyyyyyy

Too bad I waited till after the root canal to Google "necrotic pulp smell during root canal." I could have just skipped the root canal altogether and driven off a cliff

One of the ten wars Trump stopped was apparently the one between Earl Dean down in Paducah and them greedy sumbitches at the Rent-A-Center who won’t get off’n a patriot’s back

America's ruling CEOs and their pet dementia patient are stripping the USA for parts like the worst private equity firm, and we're all gonna be dead before they or their descendants realize someone has to be around to buy their stupid shit to make this whole engine run

The final evolution of the tech bro [gender neutral] is just Homer Simpson yelling at Bachman Turner Overdrive to skip immediately to the chorus of the only song he already knows

he's pining for the fjords you absolute moron

[pops collar, leans against brick wall] how come they don't make the whole reflecting pool outta the Trump Phones, huh???

more like Rapid Eye Movement response amiright

About to go viral with my new country song "Here's a Trump Phone, Call Someone Who Cares"

Probably obvious to everyone else but I realized today nobody could stop me from frying up all the leftover pita bread from Beirut we never use up and making a sort of chilaquiles out of it and holy moly is it delicious

People thought I was overreacting when I quit comedy and got off the road after America showed its true stupid self during Covid. On the eve of what might be another pandemic, I'm glad I didn't trust the gooey dipshit middle of this dumbfuck country to ever figure its shit out. Embarrassing yokels.

Watching horse paste rubes stand on the backs of millions of their dead relatives and crow about what an asshole they plan to be in the next pandemic before it even kicks off is sure doing wonders for my hope that we're ever gonna pull the ol' plane out of its death spiral

Slept from 10pm-2am, woke up, had a snack and a beer and wrote a new short story based on a tangle of half-remembered dream, and boy is that a nice thing to still do this far in to a long and tired life

Just played a CD.. All the songs were mixed to the same volume and, get this, no adverts at all. I'm telling you, this is the future.

Richard Dawkins rn

Rudy Giuliani is learning that to everything, there is a four seasons

Maybe the real cognitive test is continuing to talk about the cognitive test after the entire planet points out that the cognitive test is actually a dementia test and not a How Badass Are You MySpace quiz

What's on your mind?

BAD NEWS EVERYONE WE HAD JUST OBLITERATED IRAN'S NUCLEAR PROGRAM AND THEN A GUY SPEEDRAN PAST SECURITY WITH A BACKPACK AND STARTED IT UP AGAIN AND NOW WE NEED $150 TRILLION TO GO OBLITERATE IT AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

Is it bad if they changed the gas sign at the station from $4.99 to MARKET PRICE

Barbaric and probably illegal that I purchased a Fairchild Channel F game system from 1977 today on my lunch break, but am somehow required to "work" to "pay for goods and services" and "fulfill my obligations" to the "people who gave me money" before I can hook it up and play with it.

Just made corned beef hash out of some leftover brisket I'd frozen after St. Paddy's and a pile of tater tots, so if you want to just bundle that James Beard Award with my Pulitzer and send them over in one trip I won't mind

Your Food Truck Is So Mid and Overpriced But I'm Still Unreasonably Rooting For You: The Keith Bergman Story

Amazing to me how many people get genuinely upset when something I've had listed for months sells to another person. Like, how dare, that was my little service treasure, my comfort snuggie that I put into and took out of my emotional support shopping cart ten times over the last year.

"I SAID you need to tone down your violent RHETORIC!"

Oh, you pointed out that Trump engages in hateful rhetoric while demanding others be held accountable for their words? You've got him this time! If there's two things Republicans are great at, it's feeling shame for their actions and recognizing cognitive dissonance!

We all have a lot on our mind and if you could stop hatefucking our feeds with AI flyers that make "big doin's at the farmer's market" promo look exactly like "ten ominous signs of cancer in your cat" clickbait, down to the font and spacing, that'd be a big help

LISTEN LIBHOLE, I VOTED FOR FREE SPEECH, MEAN TWEETS, SIX DOLLAR GAS AND DEAD SCHOOL KIDS HERE AND ABROAD, AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF SOME PANSY SNOWFLAKE LIBERAL CUCK IS GONNA DIVIDE MY NATION WITH THERE HATEFUL RHETORIC