I imagine today was the first time my doctor heard, “I fucked my elbow running away from terrorists”

Every retired police officer is named Greg or Craig

I got ghosted after surviving a mass shooting AMA

On Sunday 🕎

Locked in a yoga studio in Bondi. Ran here from gunshots. Everything just changed

Just got slut-shamed by ChatGPT

Movie pitch: Three Women and a Baby. It’s just three competent child rearers getting shit done and being gaslit about various medical conditions

Sure, sex is fine, but has the government ever cut your student debt by 20%?

I did my first cold plunge five hours ago, and yet nobody has given me a medal

Find a psychiatrist who gives copies of your book as Christmas gifts every year (and then must deny the psychiatrist character is based on her)

“At least one (Epstein collaborator) scheduled massages with minors that reportedly turned into sexual abuse” Minors massaging adults IS sexual abuse, dipshits

59-year-old man on dating app is “not sure” if he want kids

Just typed “website” into a browser, how’s your life

Tennessee high school teacher, Alex Campbell, gave his class cold cases, hoping to educate, engage, and foster empathy in his students. Never did he think they would solve any. Hear the full story in the latest episode of my podcast, Grave Matters. At link in bio or wherever you get podcasts 🎧

Sorry I can't come to work tomorrow, I have to spend seventeen hours looking for Black Friday deals before having a panic attack, denouncing late-stage capitalism and setting fire to my laptop

Man on the bus carrying two bags of oranges isn’t even filming a Jenny Craig ad

My fancy new gym has a fancy coworking space because humanity is broken and yes I will use it

Gonna send every company I purchase from emails asking how I did

Punch or kick?

Teenage girls are a left-wing conspiracy invented by Obama

Never email

“XOXO Jeffrey Epstein”

My dad would have been 85 today. Please eat tomato sauce, drive poorly and swear a lot in Arabic in his honour

In two years of making Grave Matters, only two episodes have sent me foetal: season one’s climate change ep and this. AI is here, it’s potentially queer and we have to get used to it. This week, we’re talking AI and death. We know how to have a good time. Here or wherever you get podcasts 🎧

I love writing feature profiles, and this one was a sheer delight. The divine Tasma Walton can be seen in dark comic thriller, Reckless, from November 12 on SBS and NITV. It’s extremely clever and super funny, and I highly recommend giving it a go.

Yes, pay us to retire immediately

Gabrielle Simpson has been cleaning crime scenes, suicides, hoarding and squalor for over 20 years She has 1000 tales to tell, but sharing most of them would get us cancelled. Here’s the ones we were able to get past the lawyers New Grave Matters ep, out now. Link in bio or wherever podcasts be 🎧

My hair tie broke during Pilates class AMA

Lotta New York real estate about to open up apparently

Doing Movember (watching 90s sitcom Moesha every day)

Good afternoon only to the couple dry humping at Officeworks

When I am king, horses will jockey people

Love to celebrate gambling and animal cruelty

Would eat Billie Eilish for lunch right now

When I am king, there will be only one spelling of Philip

Andrew just watching the Princess Diaries and ugly crying

Now strip the rest of their titles

Schandrewfreude 👑

Happy Halloween 🎃👻🧛 Our new Grave Matters ep is live! Why are vampires sexy yet zombies gross? Who did this? We had so much fun discussing horror and hot sauce with Monster Expert @dremilyzarka.bsky.social, who has arguably the greatest job title there is. Here or wherever you get podcasts 🎧

There is no lady vampire emoji, and quite frankly, feminism has failed

Writing a song about a Millennial friend with the pop culture references of a 75-year-old. It’s called Neville in Disguise

An editor extended a deadline by five days WITHOUT ME ASKING. Is this how happy people feel?

"I want a workout buddy, someone to go for runs or hikes with, and then hit the sauna" You want a personal trainer, dipshit

So, you have your aunts, and then you have your first aunts, and then you have your second aunts...

If Aunty Em isn’t Dorothy’s real aunt, I’m never voting left again

"We're not just an accounting firm, we're a community" I hate it here

“Halloween is an American corporate holiday with no place in Australia” Cool hill, joyless fucks

“I’m looking for someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously” Sir, you are 52

She died doing what she loved (unsubscribing from emails)

Loving West End Girl, needs more harbour puns