Doctor shoved a pinky in my brain folds and forced me to say “John Lennon was a redditor.”

Pulled up steaming with the local holy rollers. We are rocking haymakers into the weeping darkness and leaving with ten-hour miracle boners

There’s only two rules of engagement: 1. All sales are final 2. The bitch-made get throttled Everything else is phlegm!!

The archangels blew a half dollar sized hole through my chest. Seraphs got the back alley bolt action rifles and they mean business.

I’ve run bitches off the freeway for less than a farthing. And that’s not even when I’m bleeding out my ass.

Some cockeyed papist with double wide jeans interrupted my tai chi seminar. We’re gonna smoke his whole district

Enrico fermi asked “where’s all the grey alien pussy??” and they gave him a Nobel prize. I’m making similar quips at the HOA meeting and getting hexed to the gills for it

Pole vaulting over a group of freelance sauna jockeys at the aeroponics expo. They sweat moonshine

I’m at BBL McDonalds

Getting jiggy at the bank. The teller is espousing Virtues but I can’t hear him over my squeaking reeboks

I’ve teamed up with Hinge to send four strapping corsairs to their watery grave

NYT editors are cranking keys like they’re playing the fugue. Meanwhile, I’m smacking my ass and calling it Sunday Morning. . Holler for more.

Three year hiatus for the sake of the skuzz. This is the saeculo saeculorum

14 pantsuit baddies in my situation room watching a Frame by Frame breakdown of my Norwood 4

Boston dynamics robot howling with his arm halfway up the shitter. He doesn’t know what I know.

The pope of evolutionary psychology dispensed all my sins because 14 million years ago a pterodactyl stole my girlfriend.

Toy Story 8: Skuzz Lightyear gets fucking drafted. He was mama’s own blue eyed baby boy.

Workplace copier is asking me to rate my experience of shredding my own nuts

The local QT roller grill is a UNESCO world heritage site

“Mirth is king” how about you inspect my jungle of ass hair

Fingering my belly button down the knuckle. Passive income has opened many doors for me.

Training my millipede armada to fetch coins and other sundries

I can obliterate a four door sedan with my male gaze

Landlord made me lick a lithium ion battery for the jollies of his accursed matron. The jolt gave me a vision of Harpocrates.

Jacked Orson Welles showed me his big blue bicep vein and I thought he was me Holy Guardian Angel

Using my Make-a-Wish on a Tinder Gold subscription

Well if I’m so “noble” and “upstanding” how come I’m suckn slime on the regular?

I used to be the so called “king of Cincinnati,” now I’m spending my Saturdays getting MK ultra’d

Shopping at the boutique, but my eunuch wants for nothing! How droll…..

Red in the face and hopping mad. Saw some shit that said “jingle THESE silver bells.” My wife would never do that.

Playing ball with the feds to get them to show a little skin

My raucous Nan used to throw empty beer bottles at me. For my money mindset.

Sneezing into the Zoom mic. Rattling cabinets across the east coast

Key & Peele haven’t been the same since Tienanmen Square

You will never be as handsome as the guys on my adult diaper box

I’d get flogged and trampled before I let anyone know my cup size. That information is not productive to our quarterly goals.

The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen was named “Bath Salts Betty.” Her fiancé kicked me in the pants but I still love her

Casting bones and foretelling auguries to make sure no one ever calls me “Ozempic chic”

Airing out my psoriasis in the locker room, I’ve got espionage on the brain…

There’s a flock of friendly perverts at Barnes and Noble today

At odds with the farmers market. They’ve given themselves to hedonism

Parental lock on the juul. Taking rips like it was Morse code.

Year3000: Historians will see the abnormally wide hips of your charred, irradiated skeleton and say “mommy”

The only shit that's "guaranteed to get me laid" is my confounding bone structure and bold misrepresentation of the facts.

"Oliver Cromwell Owes Me Fifty Dollars!": 15 Tips & Tricks for the Self-Made Entrepreneur

Tick tock, pretzel boy. These buttery rounds ain’t gonna salt themselves.

would you say that pwnage plays a major role in your life?

The shit I'm driving is like the conestoga wagon of golf carts

I scanned a QR code and I achieved illumination

NSFW: four little loathsome letters that can lead to big savings this holiday season