Today the Plano police department posted on their social media the “FEATURED FUGITIVE OF THE MONTH” like it’s a limited-time only chicken wrap. GRAB IT NOW! No seriously, if you see him grab him. We have no idea where he is.

Aziz Ansari played Kash Patel on Saturday Night Live yesterday. It only took 2 weeks to make my prediction come true.

THIS FRIDAY IN PHILLY HELIUM COMEDY CLUB Tickets at the link below linktr.ee/paulvarghese

Check out my upcoming shows here. TICKETS: linktr.ee/paulvarghese

Shows in NW Arkansas this weekend and at The Kessler in Dallas on 3/13 TICKETS HERE linktr.ee/paulvarghese

Come check on my shows this weekend in Irving, Frisco, or Plano. TICKETS HERE linktr.ee/paulvarghese

Erika Kirk watches Up and wonders why the old man didn’t post his Venmo on the balloons.

A priest in the audience tried to do an exorcism on Kristi Noem during a hearing on Capitol Hill today. She saw him behind her because her head spins all the way around.

DEAR NOTRE DAME: Telling them you’re not showing up to the bowl game isn’t authentic. A true Irish goodbye would be going to the bowl game then leaving at halftime without telling anyone.

When your sister is a priest This is the only way to respond.

A few Thanksgivings ago, my aunt said she saw my dog eat a deviled egg when he thought nobody was looking. They made eye contact and he looked at her as if to say “Don’t snitch”. He then ignored her the rest of the day.

Now that Shamwow guy is running for congress in Texas, I need these in office GOVERNOR: Flex Seal dude LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR: Whatever British host is WOWED by a kitchen appliance ATTORNEY GENERAL: Whoever does those class action lawsuit voiceovers for mesothelioma and Camp Lejeune

With how skinny the cast of Wicked is, it makes sense that Oz would be short for Ozempic.