loading . . . Consent and negotiation from an Autie perspective. # Text from my talk at OPWS Consent Weekend 2025.
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## Intro.
Hi, I’m Lexi (she/her) and I’ve been in kink my entire adult life. I’m also Autistic, although I only discovered that a few years ago, and I have long covid. I’m also one of the founders of CiNK_UK , Crip & Neurodivergent Kinksters in the UK. (I also started @Weirdos_Queerdos - a Discord community who care about safe, accessible kink).
Before I teach anything at all I want to remind you that I am not infallible - none of us are. Just because someone is teaching a class, or running an event, or seems to be a pillar of the community, doesn’t mean we know everything or that what we say is right. Please, please, please, listen to a wide variety of sources, don’t just trust a few.
Also for context, I don’t do pick up play myself so I’ll be discussing negotiating play sessions and dynamics with people you know. It can be adapted for pick up play though, if you’re not sure how, ask me at the end.
## Know yourself.
Knowing how your body and brain work, how you respond to certain things, what you enjoy, and numerous other things about yourself is absolutely key in kink. It is very difficult to negotiate well if you don’t know who you are or what you want.
I learned partly through being in 24/7 D/s relationships and trying things within those relationships, not always in the most sensible ways, but at least with someone I trusted. I would definitely not recommend learning if you enjoy figging by just going for it having done no research…!
Picture the scene (or just listen to me describe it); It’s play time in our D/s household. I was sent to the supermarket earlier to buy fresh ginger and spent some time preparing it for him when I got back. Finally upstairs, I bend over our bed, excitedly waiting for this new experience, to level up our impact play. He puts the ginger in my ass and “ooh, that burns a bit.” He starts spanking me – my buttocks clench, it burns more. Within minutes, my autistic ass (literally and metaphorically) is the very bad kind of overstimulated and about to learn that there’s a reason chemical play is not a beginner’s kink – washing it off doesn’t stop it!
_Moral of the story; please research kinks before you try them! It might literally save your ass._
Some of my exploration has been done alone through reading erotica and blogs, listening to kinky podcasts, going to classes about kink, chatting to people about what they enjoy and why, and fantasising on my own. These are all great ways to start exploring and figuring out what you might like but, as with many things in life, you don’t know until you try. I thought I would absolutely love enema play, it sounded so hot and really power exchangey, but when I actually got to try it it turned out my body just did not like it at all.
_Moral of the story; do research and explore but you’ll have to try things to really know._
There’s lots of ways to explore what you might enjoy and it doesn’t need to be explicitly kinky either. A lot of rope fans discovered they were into rope through cartoons where people were tied to train tracks and things like that, paying attention to what piques your interest is a great way to find starting points on your self discovery journey. And yes, special interests count! Kink is one of my special interests and that’s why I eventually pushed myself to get into kink education as well as kink for fun!
This extends to how your brain and body work just generally too. Autism is, as we all know, a spectrum – we all have different flavours of it. My sensory stuff is pretty intense - maybe that doesn’t bother you so much but you really struggle with absolutely all social stuff. Being aware of what is difficult for you is super helpful, especially if you’ve figured out some workarounds or alternatives to things so you can collaborate with play partners on building a scene or dynamic that will work for all of you.
## Knowing what to negotiate for.
It’s also super important to be able to check in with your body and/or emotional response during the negotiation process. This can be especially challenging for many neurodivergent people, but something that can help is figuring out What a positive yes feel like to you? And what a comfortable no feel like to you? in a low pressure environment.
With a friend or someone you trust, try asking and having them ask relatively easy questions; would you like a drink? Do you like apples? Can I touch your arm? When they ask, and as you respond, try to notice how it feels in your body and/or how you feel emotionally. This can help to give you a baseline to know when you feel safe giving a “no,” and when you don’t - which is very helpful in spotting red flags and risky partners.
You can also practice this with things like YouTube videos by responding to questions they’re asking either of someone else or to the camera, this gives you the ability to also pause and consider too, and of course rewind and try again!
For those with alexythymia this can be really hard but fear not, you don’t have to be able to recognise specific emotions, you can play scientist in other ways. First you can use common body signs and what they most often mean; for example tight chest or nausea can often mean anxiety. Trying to pay attention to what your body is doing and use that as cues can be helpful.
Or you can use things you know you do or don’t’ like and figure out what your body and brain does in response. How does your body and brain respond to your favourite food? Your special interest? That texture you really really hate?
So first up, please get to know yourself and focus on maintaining that relationship first. Having an awesome, healthy, compassionate relationship with yourself will make you a much better partner to others.
## Tools you can use.
So once you know yourself a bit, you can start negotiating with other folks. I saw a great post that used a restaurant analogy to make the point that there’s a difference between a consent violation and getting what you ordered but not liking it. Take a spanking scene - if your negotiation starts and ends with “I enjoy spanking, let’s do that,” there are a wide variety of things that could happen. If your negotiation includes why you enjoy spanking, how you like to feel, what implements you enjoy, and the whole vibe of the scene, you are far more likely to enjoy the scene.
So for great negotiation, in my opinion, you need some tools.
I use a “User manual” on a Notion board but you can make one on anything you like. It contains tonnes of info on my health, why I kink, limits, boundaries, my flavour of non-monogamy, and more. This ensures that I know all the info someone needs to play with me is being provided so, even if my brain fog is really bad, I’m not going to forget to tell them something important.
It’s also a really handy tool for the people I’m playing with to refer to when planning a scene, or even during a scene, so they don’t have to remember absolutely everything!
There’s a link to a mostly blank version of the “user manual” I use here: https://www.notion.so/User-manual-4c6c416e1441423699691af93afeb754?pvs=21
When I’m topping, I really love the Not A Checklist and Tonight I Want worksheets. Together I find they offer a thorough way to discuss both the specifics of actions and the emotional side of play, but you can also use just one or the other, and/or add them to other methods that work for you.
I like to start up a new Notion board for the play partner and transfer the questions and prompts into it. Then over text or call or in person, I’ll go through the questions with them one at a time. This can be over multiple days as a form of foreplay and anticipation building, I’ll ask each question at a time and allow for an open discussion around them.
To give an example, I usually start with “what do you want from this play session?” which will include specific questions like what they want to try, what would make the scene a success, what’s important to them and what they’re nervous about. Some example answers might be:
• I want to try something new to see if I like it.
• This scene will be a success for me if we both enjoy ourselves & find out something about each other.
• It’s important to me that you do what you want without worrying about what I like.
• I’m nervous about potentially not being able to go to spin if I can’t sit down.
This gives me a lot to work with and allows for me to ask more questions like; is there anything specific you want to try? Do you think you’d enjoy doing things that you weren’t really into just because I’m enjoying it? Do you want me to make sure you are able to sit down, or are you more excitedly nervous about the possibility?
Doing this over several days too allows for calming down and clear heads while negotiating, so people are less likely to get carried away with the dirty talk and start making decisions from horniness!
Because I love a worksheet, another worksheet option is Celestial’s Negotiation Form which highlights info about them, their kink philosophy, asks for details of the partner, what kind of scene they want, a will/want/wont style list of just kinks the form creator is interested in doing. Having your own personalised form can speed up negotiation and make it less overwhelming as you and your partners are only focused on things that you are happy to do and ask questions relevant to those things.
I also discussed with Hexerei their amazing idea of **Bargaining Chips** - a set of poker chips with "will / want / wont" on each side and a kink in the middle. On the flip side is a number which I love the idea of using to indicate spoon usage for each kink, which you can then share with a play partner and put together to see what kind of scene comes out. For some spice, you can say to them “you have 12 points to use” and they can choose kinks based on that - allowing you to control spoon usage to some degree but without the need for deeply specific negotiations.
If you’re already comfortable with using communication cards, you could use those to make saying “no” easier, to express how certain acts make you feel, or even create a set specifically for negotiation with your kink needs, desires and other info on them.
## What to include.
### Communication.
It’s incredibly important to understand how you best communicate. Some people do a lot better with talking to someone while they’re facing away so they can’t see them, some people find it easier to verbalise, others do better writing things down, some folks need a structured list of prompts or forms. It’s important to get away from the idea that communication is only face to face verbal discussion, it’s a lot broader than that and as long as you’re communicating in ways that make sense to everybody involved in the communication, that’s all that matters.
> Communication is a team sport!
So the first thing really you need to negotiate is how you communicate. You need to find some method where you have a common way of communicating or you find adjustments; for example one of you sends over a workbook of how they enjoy doing kink and the other person reads it and then phones them to share their thoughts on it. An important thing to consider when deciding on your communication preference include things like if you have a fawn response, RSD, or are a people pleaser. What communication method best allows you to manage those things and avoid agreeing to things you don’t really want?
For repeated play partners and dynamics, knowing someone’s love language and apology language can be really helpful to good communication too because people express and receive love differently. I've had a problem with people whose love language is giving gifts, so they buy gifts for me to show their love. Because of my history, I receive gifts as meaning “I don't want to have to be around you or be nice to you.” If you at least understand how the other person gives and receives love you can match it, or at least remind yourself that they’re not giving that gift to avoid spending time with you!
## The nitty gritty.
Now we get in to the more practical stuff. Here’s what I think it’s important to include in negotiations:
### Identities.
Who you are is a key part of how you experience kink and life. Including your core identities also helps with not being misgendered and also making it easier for someone to understand how you’re seeing the world. Sharing identities is also a great additional “are you an asshole” check!
### Health issues.
Sharing your latest STI testing comes under this, along with covid tests and vaccinations. You don’t have to cover everything related to your health, just relevant things. For example I have what I call “food stuff,” but I don't mention it in negotiation because I just don't do food play, it's not involved in my kink at all so I don't mention it. But if anything is relevant to the scene, it is better to mention it, that includes things like trauma and mental health stuff but also physical health stuff. Most importantly talk about how things actually impact you; don't just say “I have anxiety, I have IBS, I have long covid” say how that impacts your kink and what needs to be taken into consideration because of it.
In a recent rope scene I bottomed for I let the top know that my joints were a bit slippy but had never been a problem in rope before, and that I can’t have my hands above my head for any real amount of time because I will faint. I didn’t mention a bunch of my other health issues because they simply weren’t relevant to the scene we were going to do; one with “safety & feeling held” as the vibe. On the flip side, for a sadistic impact scene I bottomed for recently I mentioned how long covid has impacted my pain tolerance and how my skin reacts, and that my fatigue was quite bad so laying down was my preferred position.
Knowing how things affect you is key so you can communicate this, and if you’re not sure if something is relevant, it is best to disclose it just in case.
Something else to consider is that even if it seems obvious, please mention it! If you’re a wheelchair user don't assume that people know the relevant information, tell them what what is actually an issue because it might not actually be an issue at all but people might assume that they can’t do something because they see a mobility aid or a health thing. I know the disabled, crip and chronically ill here already know this!
### Medication.
Whether your medication causes certain issues for you, or you need to take it every X hours so any scene needs to fit around that, or you need to have eaten X hours before or after taking it. These are things that you need to disclose.
My personal belief, and you are welcome to disagree, is that you should disclose which meds you’re on - specifically if they commonly affect pain receptors or brain function. While they may make you functional, even if they are commonly thought to make you “out of it”, the other person has the right to not want to play with someone on certain meds or taking things that cause certain effects. Consent goes all ways and, while it’s shit to have someone not want to play with you for what you consider to be a bullshit reason, they are allowed their own risk profile and boundaries. Also, it’s probably a safe bet that they wouldn’t be a great fit for you if they don’t understand that certain meds affect people differently.
### Why you do kink.
I think this is important to discuss during a negotiation because people do it for very different reasons and your why changes your experience of kink.
### Kink philosophy and consent model.
Share whether you practice PRICK (personal responsibility, informed, consensual kink), RACK (risk aware consensual kink), SSC (safe, sane consensual), TICK (Trauma Informed Consensual Kink) or some other kink philosophy, and why you chose that one over the others.
Also share what model of consent you use whether it’s FRIES (Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific), 4Cs (connection, consideration, communication, collaboration), the cup of tea or any other model of consent you like.
Explicitly state whether you practice inclusive or exclusive negotiation - because if you are doing inclusive negotiation and the other person thinks it's exclusive then you are going to have very different ideas about what's supposed to be happening! I will always recommend inclusive negotiation, especially outside of long standing relationships where you know and trust each other deeply.
_If you were at the class - blueberries!_
### Likes, dislikes and limits.
This is usually what people think about as negotiation so I suspect many of you have done will, want, wont lists or kink checklists, etc.
Safewords & safe signals. Are you using plain language? The traffic light system - and what does each colour mean to you? Or are you using a specific word, if so which word and what does it mean? For some people calling a safeword is an “I need you to check in.” For some it’s “I need play to stop immediately and move to aftercare.” For some it’s “stop play but slowly.” People use safewords differently, you need to be on the same page about what you’re using and what it means. Or do you prefer a safe signal (this is often used when the bottom is gagged or otherwise unable to speak, or in very loud environments where a verbal safe call might be missed) - this can be something like holding a ball and dropping it as the safeword. Double tapping against someone’s body can be a good safe signal. Safe signals are non verbal signs that you have set up in advance.
### Boundaries.
What boundaries do you have even outside of what might be deemed kinky? Do you want them to message you or have your phone number? Is it OK for them to find you on Facebook or other social media? Do you want them to tag you in photos? Do you want them to develop a deep emotional connection with you?
### How to deal when shit goes wrong.
I have bad news for you; shit will go wrong. You are human. Brains and bodies are weird as fuck and have a tendency to throw curve balls at the most inopportune moments. Finding ways to deal with things that might come up before they come up is key. It might sound impossible but it's not a case of seeing the future, it's about saying “if something happens and I feel scared, I feel upset, I start laughing hysterically, a bone breaks, a muscle tears. If something happens, what do we do? What do you need?” You don't have to know the specific trigger to put in place something to help deal with it. This includes dealing with physical injuries, flares of physical or mental health issues, and at what point you call an ambulance.
### What’s on the table & how will the scene look.
This is where you get to say “I want spanking with a side of humiliation and my aftercare is chocolate and leave me the fuck alone.”
### Aftercare.
Everyone has aftercare needs - even if those needs are “do not give me aftercare.” Are you checking in with each other? Do you want a debrief? If yes, how and when?
# 50% of negotiation is listening.
However well you communicate your own needs, hearing what the other person, or people, are actually saying rather than what you want them to be saying or what you think they are saying is an entirely separate skill.
The difference between what someone says and what someone else understands is often very stark. Everybody has their own experiences and history and ideas and opinions that are informing how they process the words of others. And remember that sometimes when it comes to listening it's not what you're hearing, it’s what you're not hearing that's causing the problem.
Learn and use this magic phrase liberally; “what does that mean to you?”
### Negotiation is easy & quick | doesn’t have to be complicated.
> Hot take incoming: I think most of the time everyone is to blame to some degree when scenes go wrong.
There are obviously abusers who do what they want, but a lot of the time people have not effectively communicated what is supposed to be happening or have misunderstood what was planned or wanted. https://blog.alexisbushnell.com/consent-and-negotiation-from-an-autie-perspective/
