The intro to every fundraising email from pseudo-Christian right wing organizations immediately after AOC gives a speech somewhere

When Jeff Foxworthy gets mad at the cable guy:

Parenting toddlers be like

Sleep with one eye open Gripping your pillow tight Exit light Enter night Take my hand We're off to never-never land

This is a safe space, yes? I know that it’s technically straight to have had a crush on Alice in Twilight but also it’s the single most lesbian thing about me

The Dust Bowl, 1931-1936:

Is it just me, or does the diss track in a kid’s movie have the same vibe as playing TobyMac in a Christian movie so you know that’s the bad guy? This tweet, like all tweets, is a Kpop Demon Hunters tweet

Mike Johnson is refusing to seat Jesus (I-Palestine) so we’re unable to get the petition to release the God’s files. God’s files are made up by the Democrats anyway. But are also on Pam Bondi’s desk. And also are very damaging but only to Democrats. I barely knew God and never went to his island.

Trump talking about that Time Magazine he was on

Sen. Graham, reportedly fanning himself: “My stars and garters! This is a direct threat to the privacy of every hardworking American, especially those of us with…let’s call them specialized apps. How is a charming, well-mannered, eligible Southern senator meant to thrive under these conditions?”

Once the south collectively declared mac ‘n’ cheese to be a vegetable, its chances of rising again dropped dramatically

We’ve collectively lost our damn minds

You can tell what a man fears by what he locks up at night

Native Americans:

When your mom blanks on Bumblebee’s name:

The word of the Lord, for the people of God

Me whenever @brentwaggoner.bsky.social tweetz:

When you’re trying to think of the name of that Cloris Leachman sitcom:

When they stopped minting the penny but had a great production day otherwise

We’re beyond satire

May every day be another wonderful secret

By far the most fun part of being colorblind is the lowkey conspiracies I get to invent about how things like the Aurora aren’t real Anyway, happy for you cis-sighted folks, or whatever

When the people don’t start immediately liking the comedy gold I tweet out:

Your spouse after the kids barge in

When you score but it feels icky

Parenting boys be like

New name for government shutdown just dropped

Me describing Sean Astin’s lawyer boss role in Franklin & Bash:

Fun fact: when the philosophers collectively known as Nickelback said, “look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me laugh” it was about this picture

Hang it in the Louvre (so I can steal it)

Focus on the Tax Cuts

I don’t know guys, I’m starting to think that maybe cutting food assistance and fighting to kill healthcare subsidies because those are “Democrat programs” while you extend tax cuts to your wealthy donors might be unpopular.

Mustard and onion on his kevlar already, Mom's spaghetti.

I’m gonna break out this bad boy on election night next year as a little treat

When someone asks how you’re doing/feeling anytime between October-March:

When you announce the birth of your third child:

Ha ha ha you guys keep making your little jokes, but if that paper was good enough to print my degree from Trump University on then it’s good enough to help the oldest president we’ve ever elected find his way back when he wanders off

You didn’t ask, but her husband was my age when she was born. Anyway if your spouse remembers Watergate and you don’t remember 9/11, y’all have made some errors.

This can all be fixed if Mike Pence has the courage to do the right thing

Art of the Deal-in-chief’s party holds a trifecta, but he’s weak and can’t get it done. Can’t even lead his own party when he has both chambers of congress and a blanket go ahead from SCOTUS. Enigmas never age, have you noticed that? Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Awful lot of “it would be great to have the first black woman governor” coming from people who didn’t vote for noted black woman Kamala Harris

Things the government can do while shut down: -Collect taxes -Pay members of congress -Extrajudicial killings -send paramilitary forces into cities Things the government can not do while shutdown: -fund SNAP -talk about funding health insurance -swear in congresswoman-elect Adelita Grijalva

When your sibiling does something stupid but you can’t swear because grandma is around:

"It may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does. But believe me, it will all work out." -Ted Lasso

Good night, everybody

I haven’t had enough coffee for this