“Them we had to move here and wear pants and I don’t like it” -8 year old

Posting this as a reminder that Erin is lucky to have me.

Elections have consequences (complimentary)

Erin describing any Facebook Marketplace find:

Brb chat, finna get the W by mogging a looksmaxxer with my mewing streak type shit frfr

Anyway how well could you do a straight-face delivery of “All Star” by Smash Mouth at an appointment with a therapist who doesn’t know you?

Saw this out of context and genuinely, wholeheartedly hoped that Solomon was starting a cult

The IRS: “This is super important and we’ll ruin your life. File by April 15 or suffer our vengeance and fury.” Me: “What if I don’t feel like it?” The IRS: “no prob king, you can have until October no worries sorry to bother you.”

No, it’s cool, the guy in the beaver costume at the gas station offered me his beaver nuggets and they were delicious

Your mom, watching Malcom in the Middle:

I’m not a wine guy but if you take me to a vineyard I will absolutely pretend to be a wine guy and drop bangers like “more like caber-yay, amirite?” and that’s probably why I don’t get invited to things

Darth Vader:

Lord Zedd roughly halfway through any episode:

A whole group of people who constantly put things off is called a procrastination. Send tweet.

Like it says in the good book, “Blessed are those who defend all things, for they shall never be asked to defend anything consistently. And yea though yesterday contradicteth today, they shall call it strategy and be at peace.” Don 3:16

The Roman soldier that broke Jesus’ legs:

A pedophile, a drunk, and two Christian nationalists walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Just you and Pete tonight, Mr. President?” Later, Pete looks back and says, “Why is there only one set of footprints?” Dr. Trump says, “it was there I carried your drunk ass. Tremendously.” …is that something?

I cry every year when everyone puts on 42. He didn’t just change baseball, he gave it meaning, reminding us that we are all equals, all brothers, all each other’s keepers. Everything I love about this game traces back to 42. Happy Jackie Robinson Day, go Dodgers!

“I’m very concerned about this” she said, as a sitting United States Senator, before voting to continue to let the president do whatever in Iran, “I just wish someone had the ability to stop this” she continued, before asking for campaign donations so she can be reelected to her Article I seat.

“God will not be mocked,” they said indignantly about an AI post from the grab em by the pussy guy they thrice voted for “Praise God he deleted it,” they said about Jeffrey Epstein’s longtime best friend

The Democrats are all PERVERTS, total freak show, so sad. I barely knew Epstein, and neither did our great first lady. Isn’t she the greatest, folks? Everyone is saying that we’ve never had a HOTTER First Lady, not by a longshot, not even close. Full exoneration. USA WINNING like never before.

When that ballroom finally opens:

Spelled backwards it’s “ná bro,” which is also what Hungarian voters said

Swalwell? More like Falwell, amirite?

IYKYK (also, no)

Sharks, the plan is simple: we’re vertically integrating distance and bad decisions in this direction-to-consumer venture. High risk, no returns, no scalability, immediate impact. I’m seeking 500k for 4 hours of alone time and beer, so I can disappear into the woods with no responsibilities.

A stumbling glock

You know it’s True Courage™️ now that she’s out of congress and cannot do a thing about it, after voting lockstep with Trump 98% of the time.

Making my email closing salutation “you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah.” to seem more presidential

2 Artemis 2 Furious …is that something?

“…you can put meth on a spoon. Wait. What do you put on a spoon?” -out of context Erinism

When you beat grandpa in poker:

When your kid is screaming in public:

“She’s great at a lot of things” he reminded himself, dejectedly pulling the open cheese from the back of the fridge under several other things, including the new cheese, because she thinks FIFO is something a giant says before declaring they smell the blood of an Englishman.

BIGGEST, most BEAUTIFUL war anyone has EVER seen. Inflation totally GONE, people have so much money. USA WINNING BIG! Gas prices are FAKE NEWS and temporary. I stopped Iran and Barack Hussein Obama from getting nuclear and stealing ALL the money from Virginia and Kentucky. ALL OF IT. So sad!

You know how when you try to run in your dreams and somehow move slower? That’s this speech

Trump sounds like he’s the oldest president ever elected

When you’re trying to establish an alibi:

“…Bullfrog? I thought it said butt plug” -out of context Erin-ism

I assume most of the people featured on hit shows like Snapped or Meet Marry Murder also have/had spouses that just left an empty toilet paper roll on the thing as if THEY SOMEHOW DIDN’T NOTICE THEY RAN OUT. send tweet.

FOX primetime pitch meetings be like

This is your regularly scheduled reminder that Erin is a lucky lady.

Have we tried blowing on it and putting it back in?

No such thing as other people’s kids, and I believe that almost wholeheartedly. But to the child 4 houses and 400+ft away currently screaming, I’ll say this: (probably*) not my baby, not my problem. *odds are low but never zero, ya know?

Decepticons:

Probably would have made more sense to tweet this sort of thing about his longtime friend Jeffrey Epstein. Pedos of a feather avoid meaningful accountability together, or whatever the saying is.

“Trump pays his respects to the late Bob Mueller, sharing his unique perspective on the former FBI director’s controversial legacy” -The New York Times, probably