The rest of the disciples after one of them said “nah but where’s the scars though?”:

Watching the SotU like

ZERO border crossings. TOTAL VICTORY. So much peace you can’t even believe it. World’s greatest healthcare, everyone says so. One WIN after another. Nobody can stop me, not even SCOTUS. Completely EXONERATED from the Fake News Epstein HOAX. FOUR MORE YEARS!

Million dollar idea: Mad Libs, but it’s just Trump speeches. Put the blanks wherever it tickles you.

I can’t explain it but JD looks AI-generated. Like not quite a real person but you can tell that it’s trying hard to get the details right.

Honestly? Trump deserves more standing ovations, because I very much enjoy not having to look at JD Vance’s face on the screen whenever he stands up

What you’re not considering is that every minute FBI Director Kash Patel spends flying to Italy to party with the U.S. men’s hockey team is a minute he’s not spending directing the FBI. You don’t need DOGE when waste is willing to cut itself.

Ignoring your own appointees when they tell you to stop dating their mom is wild

Politics would be way more fun if every time a politician says “the American people,” a randomly selected American gets to ask a follow-up question.

When Paul Rudd helps get the infinity stones away from Thanos:

Speak for yourself, Free Press.

I quote this line way more often than you would think

Prince Andrew ARRESTED. Very sad situation. I barely knew Epstein, hardly at all. Meanwhile I’ve been totally EXONERATED, again and again. All the hoaxes, all the witch hunts, and now the USA will pay me back BIGLY for the lies. Total vindication!

Going to tell my kids this was Heated Rivalry

“I just want to catch my fish, drive my truck, drink my beer” sounds like a good weekend but a bad halftime show, ya know?

Today we* mark ourselves with ash. Around the world, families in Gaza, Ukraine, Sudan, Myanmar, the Congo and elsewhere are buried in it. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” was never meant to be rhetorical.

I almost forgot the most important part: One Like=One Amen

“It’s easier for an idiot to name his kid 69Dogecoin∞Prime than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” 🙏

Every Tuesday can be Fat Tuesday if you stop letting calendars limit your potential

Anyway it’s probably a coincidence that Matt Gaetz, a congressionally alleged pedo, would have been in charge of the Epstein investigation if Trump had gotten his first choice

“More ovaltine, please?” said Matt Gaetz, off in the corner venmoing someone, “I normally prefer pear shaped”

Ts and Ps for my spine, in what doctors are calling a career-ending sneeze

Me when I look in a mirror:

Oregon Trail was a great game even though the graphics were a little buggy

The Dow Jones Industrial Average is back under 50,000 so today are we allowed to talk about how many politicians and billionaires were hanging out with a known pedophile and why or?

It can only good happen

The U.S. House also passed a bill saying to release the Epstein files by a certain date and nothing happened other than Mike Johnson’s son getting a few Covenant Eyes alerts, I assume.

This but “it” is Pam Bondi and “paper jam” is the files that were on her desk

After nearly two decades of driving, I’m shutting off my speedometer

Arnold Palmer, TOTAL legend, people always said how impressive he was, especially in the locker room, everybody knew it. Now we have woke Olympians disgracing OUR FLAG, lots of complaining, not much winning, not impressive if you know what I mean. I’m bringing CHAMPIONS back. America wins again!

Me, on a hypothetical this coming Friday morning:

I don’t have anything negative to say about the halftime show other than Tom Arnold beat him by 30 years

Bad bunny is also my fursonality

The FAKE Halftime Show ratings were a TOTAL DISASTER, everybody knows it. Not patriotic, not American. TPUSA was a good START but still not patriotic enough. We’ll do one BIGGER and BETTER than anyone has ever seen. TWO WEEKS. Stay tuned!

“The man with the ball is responsible for what happens to the ball” -Branch Rickey

Frodo’s secret nickname for his friend:

It’s cool, I found it

Relax your tight end

Isn’t there anywhere a straight* caucasian man like myself can go to watch a halftime show that’s nice and safe and white? This woke nonsense of other people both existing and enjoying things is deeply offensive to me.

I’ll bite, what makes the rabbit substandard?

I talked to the BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN FARMERS, the BEST farmers anywhere, and they AGREED to LOWER grocery prices. Nobody thought it could be done. They did it for ME, and for our Country. You’re welcome, America. FOOD IS CHEAPER.

When you forget to wear your glasses and now The People™️ are confused about whether what I assume is your favorite Star Wars character makes you weak or weep:

In true opera style, these Olympic Games will not be over until yo’ momma sings

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the concern of our Susan Collins” -MLK, probably

When you take a quiz to figure out your pornstar name:

new Fantasia sucks

A racist, a liar, and a pedo-enabler walk into a bar, bartender says “Donald, what can I get ya?” “A slippery nipple” replied the famously sober Donald, not realizing it’s a drink

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m cool with God’s whole “take out the cast of Home Alone 2” plan, but I have suggestions on the order

How I imagine you all react when you see I’ve tweeted:

When you realize they’ve completely run out Fast and Furious titles: