If you come across a nice sweet person once in your day, okay. You saw a good person. If you run into two? Okay, that's two quality folks you met. But if everyone you meet is a kind solid person, maybe you're the sweetheart .

does anyone call them Alien nesting mouths?

If your movie title has an exclamation point, it should start with ants being radiation-mutated into your characters.

Taking technology to its limit in order to maximize my customerability, dude just ask me out

I'm pretty sure you mean "shitting president."

Trump got the idea to put his signatures on the 20 because of how his signature is on every bottle of ranch dressing.

It's gonna be the closest thing to funny that we still have in 2026 when he sends ICE to Iran

At a certain point, the only job left will be reading strangers' Reddit posts out loud on televised podcasts

Actually decimation means blah blah etc etc

This guy seems like a fucking asshole

More like "no worries IF SO!"

Ne'er there was a more malignant case of Dunning Kruger

Happy birthday Mr. Rogers

Out: explain it to me like I'm five In: explain it to me like you're not five.

Guess some mother fucker forgot that the Academy is made up mostly of opera singing ballet dancers.

"Why are swans so fuckable?" - the Financial Times

If you hate people and love shows by Bill Lawrence, you're living your best life right now.

If you do a New Orleans character, I bet it would be fun if they talked about scorpions.

I was talking to a person aged thirties about the Kids in the Hall and she thought we were talking about The Whitest Kids You Know and I died of old age on the spot. Cause of death: cobwebs.

I guess Rome didn't fall in a day either

I accidentally touched the secret button they put on keyboards to fuck up Final Draft formatting. Fortunately this change is invulnerable to the effects of control+z.

We took out their leader and some successors? They better not do that to us any time now

If the name doesn't match the actor on the movie poster, it's a secret body switch movie

"Trump is a piece of shit." -George Orwell, 1984

What's worse - what he's done, what he's doing, or what he will do?

I don't think you're allowed to talk about "what must be done to prevent further escalation" out in the open, you just have to, you know, do it.

Trump misinterpreted intelligence? If only Jay Leno were still alive to remark about it!

Well I guess the new season of Shoresy is the best sports movie of all time. Sorry Kings of Kong, Eight Men Out and Moneyball in that order.

I guess our elected officials were right this past year. I should have stopped all this from happening

If it's any consolation, a simulation would be infinitely more plausible

If he's truly a showman, his last word will be covfefe.

DOCTOR: What you do is, you get yourself to Vegas and see Pagliacci at Caesar's. He's so good. That'll fix what ails you. PATIENT: But doctor, I can't get to Vegas right now much less afford to see a popular clown show. DOCTOR: Oh you're fucked then.

Creep is the best one hit wonder

Congrats to the US men's hockey team for winning the gold medal in being real piece of shits!

Just when you think you don't know every character in Garfield comics, here comes the crossword puzzle making you reconsider everything

The joke that they're not getting is that the way Elmo feels about that rock is the way everyone feels about Elmo.

Not to indulge in conspiracy but the Epstein thing seems as close to a World Crime League as can be. So it doesn't take much dot connecting to get why there was never a sequel to Buckaroo Banzai.

It's weird when news about Kristi Noem doesn't follow her name with "noted bird-legged ho."

Positively slaughtering darlings #writingisgreat #darlingbloodbath

Why would they let Garth Ennis write this season of America?

I'd kinda be okay with it if he faked his own death at this point.

Been seeing some dark Epstein file shit. Apparently the rest of the expression about eating the rich was "before they eat you."

It's time to light the lights. It's time to eat the rich. On The Muppet Show tonight

"History is written by the winners" was written by the losers.

Phoebe Dinsmoor: I *thought* I *saw* a *pussycat* (Originally tweeted in 1952 to rave reviews)

A zombie comedy called Eat the Rich where they only go after E listers. (we're calling people in the files E listers, right?)

Not looking forward to when the Super Bowl fan base scours the Super Bowl for clues that there will be another Super Bowl dropping in a few weeks to reveal what really happened.

The song Piano Man is so fake. Everyone I know named Paul is married.

My grandpa used to tell me stories about how you'd dress up in your finest suit to attend a Super Bowl party. Every time your team scored, you'd smoke a cigarette from their state

Revisiting the Richard Stark Parker novels. I think Flashfire is my favorite so far. An unusual double cross, a series of small heists, organic twists, smart citizens, elegant capers, Parker fighting hurt. Orchestral pulp.