Hey watch this comedy special and stick around for the credits if you want

Has the Salvation Army tried it where they don't ring a bell? I bet they'd do a lot better

If the arc of history bends towards justice, it's funny. If it breaks, it's not funny

The other week, after I prayed to a god I don't believe in for the ego death of a stranger, the stranger bought me a pancake. It was a great pancake.

Christmas is my favorite Die Hard holiday. Has anyone done that one yet? Did I win?

Emma Mackey is Ella McCay. George Clooney is Jay Kelly. Soon every actor that can open a movie will play a titular character called what my mom thinks their name is

Just watched the strangest loveliest movie ever, after which I asked an actor and phenomenal writer/director how it could possibly be real and then of course I woke up and cursed loudly because of course it wasn’t

I wish I had a jar that people put bread in and then asked what I was doing there

I spent too much time today thinking about how fast I'd spend a genie wish on Charles Grodin being the second Amigo in Three Amigos instead of Chevy Chase.

JOHN WICK: A guy killed my dog, so I'm gonna kill everyone who works for his same boss and then everyone who has that same job. AUDIENCE: GOOD! CAROL: Literal space invaders killed my fucking wife right in front of me. I'm mad about it AUDIENCE: Smile more, we hate you!

a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup is a slice of pizza in revision mode

If you say "this film is a love letter to cinema" you are a dork.

If you think about it, Knives Out was a Knives Out mystery

@profanity.accountant let's gooo

Hey neat flawed premise New Yorker. Way to present it like it's facts.

"The Republicans only have about two months left to live." -James Carville, every three months

"So when he said he was looking for Yoda, I pretended I wasn't Yoda until a tiny bit later. Yeah no it was hilarious. Trust me" #yodatexts

When someone shows you who Maya Angelou is, believe them

Mamdani probably got home, turned to his wife, and let out the longest, loudest “this fucking guy” of all time

I watched UK Celebrity Traitors and I liked it. What are the other Traitors ones to watch?

I bet Trump's all like "why did we even bother to have him killed?"

The Spy Who Went Out Into the Cold Without His Jacket by John le Carré's Mother who God forbid should care about her son

The working title was "Honey, You Know How You're Always Saying You Wish the Kids Would Just, You Know, Shrink? And, Like, the Neighbor Kids Too? Well, I Have Some Good News!"

Bette Davis Eyes Dyslexic Heart Can't Hardly Wait Is that anything?

Trump's all like "I don't have to release the files, Dottie. I lived them."

I guess it's time I roll up my sleeves and take on these billionaires.

It's The End of the World as We Know It and We Didn't Start the Fire are work friends

The Diplomat is a goddamn terrific show and the line "Vigorous. Vigorous" is endlessly funny

I don't know, maybe a movie where David Byrne slays AI? Maybe it's not a movie? Maybe it just actually happens?

I, one of life's true dummies, shouldn't know more about politics than professional politicians. And yet.

The Trolley Problem is short for The Trarles Problem.

Everybody's playing no-dimensional chess

Pluribus is the opposite of Severance ok?

Election eve, I tweeted "the next 24 hours are gonna be wild." 24 hrs later, I tweeted "the next 24 days are gonna be wild." 24 days later, I tweeted "the next 24 weeks are gonna be wild." 24 weeks later, I tweeted "the next 24 months are gonna be wild." It's 24 months later. Twitter's not a thing

Landing in the UK listening to The Divine Comedy

Be more linear, grief!

here's an oldie drawing

Keep it 100 by voting yes on prop 50 twice.

the frontman I just shared a hotel elevator with is cooler than whatever frontman you may have just shared a hotel elevator with.

Any Williamsburg recs (Brooklyn, not colonial)?

Glad the left finally has a frog of our own

The Purge but for hooking up with your exes

You either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain or you started out as a villain or you stay a hero or you're just a person, neither hero nor villain and you die or you don't til later.

"You notice people only got mad about the comedians going to Saudi Arabia once they found out about it" is kind of a flimsy defense.

JK Rowling and Trump have spent the last decade in an old-fashioned piece-of-shit off.

more relevant than ever: www.danielstrange.com/new-gallery/...

If the Nobel people gave him a prize that spelled it 'piece' and they put 'of shit' in really small letters, he'd never know the difference and it'd be just absolutely all time of them. I don't know if any Nobels follow me, but if so, come on. Do it. You'd be legends!

Skibidi toilet the Chinese chicken. Is that anything?

If your take on AI doesn't contain "... so fuck AI" it's not a super great nor relevant take.

JESUS (non-white, speaking not English): Who wants to get raptured??? CHRIZZOS: ummm