Posting for the first time in months for that sweet, sweet self promotion. My first book "Van Helsing's Guide to Monsters and Dating" came out last month. If you've ever liked my stuff or want to date a vampire, you can order here: Amazon: a.co/d/4Kj2N6f B&N: www.barnesandnoble.com/w/van-helsin...

Watching a jump scare, my heartrate doesn't even raise but if you show me a movie set in the 1800s where they have real candles burning on a Christmas tree I'll be gripping the seat

I'll get on social media, type "My top 5 theories on what happened to Don Draper's dog," briefly question what I'm doing with my life, then delete that post and type "Every Mad Men character ranked by who would be the best at basketball."

Me if a movie set in ancient Rome has trebuchet warfare: "Fuck if I know. Get 'em, boys." Me if a movie set during WWII has a plane painted the wrong color: "Hollywood must be destroyed."

I like to think the Muppets realized how easily Fezziwig from A Christmas Carol could be changed to Fozziwig and were just like "Well, we gotta do the whole thing now."

The day after Thanksgiving is meant for doing this

It's that time of year. Post the Scrooge from your city's Christmas Carol production.

Going through White House turkey pardon photos and LBJ is the only one who looks as if he can hear the bird speaking.

Would give up anything in my career if it meant I could run a presidential library's social media with this kind of freedom

Bluesky can hit its stride if it has prosperous bit accounts. Like "Munsters Screenshots" and "Addams Family out of context" accounts that post 200 times a day and have openly threatened to kill each other.

Ringo: "So we're going to a new social media platform then?" George: "But I don't want to go to a new social media platform, I want to stay on Twitter." Paul, tears in his eyes: "They call it X now, lads." *George leaves the band* John: 🎵EVERYBODY HAD A HARD ON🎶

Drinking a mojito, eating a burger, putting on a Spielberg movie I've seen many times. Folks it does not get better than this.

There's a scene I cannot stop thinking about in Dial of Destiny where Mads Mikkelsen says "My real name is Naziface Goosesteppen" then a character working for him is like "Wait... you guys are evil? 🥺"

Trying to find your mutuals on a new app

This is the first "baller Columbo" post on Bluesky

Accepting a Bluesky invite before they paused the creation of new accounts

My Twitter followers watching me join Bluesky today