"If you can bless the rains down in Africa, you can bless a river."

'We're going to say a hail Mary.' 'Ah yes, the injection song.'

"It's a violation of my human rights! I am trapped in a room, forced to talk about theology and... feelings!" "That's just ministry?"

"I think I've sprained my ankle from genuflecting too much."

(at the pizza night) "Is it rude to double dip?" "Well we share a chalice." "Though we are many we are one body because we all share in one dip."

"The hypostatic union is like a bra, it holds Christ's divinity and humanity together"

"If they say all protestants are going to burn in hell, that's extreme, but not radicalising." "But if they say let's set fire to all the protestants on their beds -" "That's radicalising!"

*in a discussion of clerical headgear* "I could wear a Canterbury cap, I have that early modernist swag."

We have arrived (in time to celebrate Charles, King and Martyr, later in the week). Our DMs are open for your funny and non-libellous submissions.

"I know you can't put God in a box - but I'm trying to!"

“Look, I just don’t understand how Charles is a martyr” “Because he had his head cut off?” “Lots of people had their head cut off.”

*Is given a candle to share with another parishioner for Candlemas* "Are we in a Covenanted Friendship now?"

"Wait, why am I defending the Catholics?" "Only you can know that."

"When does this class end?" "With the Second Coming. Or 3 p.m., whichever arrives first."

"What's the Silmarillion?" "To the Lord of the Rings it's the Old Testam-" "Shush, you!"

Other hymn books are available… x.com/EdBiblical/sta…

“You’d think that hymn books would leave out number 666”

Anglican ordinand, entering St Peter’s: “Ok, into the belly of the beast”

In a discussion about universalism: "Don't deprive me of my hope of everlasting damnation!"

[Raises hands in the air] I squirm for God!

“Welcome to middle England: we don’t have convictions, we have tea and queuing”

On reading the Bible: “the text is inspired, not the footnotes.”

"We don't try enough people for heresy these days."

“I like Eucharistic prayers A-C, but the rest should be cast into outer darkness”

"... turn the other cheek. And if someone makes fun of you with one meme, send them another!"

"I wonder where he's bishop of?" "... Nowhere. It's just a purple jumper."

[the answer to the Church’s problems is] ‘More mystery, more weird stuff and more candles!’

"Architecture like that makes me lament the Reformation." "Same."

“Oh my gosh, I have the funniest relic story, I have to tell you about it”

"I'm an Anglican" "Gosh, that's a heavy burden to bear." "Yes, yes it is."

On the martyrdom of Edward the Martyr: “anyone can be killed on the way home from church, try harder.”

“I’m going for 33 buttons. I think Jesus is probably better than the 39 articles.” “Jesus is definitely better than the 39 articles.”

“Handel’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy”

In the Daily Offices: “Slower is not holier, people!”

"I really hope that turning up to Morning Prayer in a chapel that cold at that hour will be weighed against my sin."

“I take full responsibility for King Herod and his cock.” (An ordinand arguing for an epiphany hymn in advent)

In a discussion of Jesus’ promise to return: “He should be back by now. Come on!”

"I was sticking those Bible book tabs to my Bible, got distracted reading Luke again, and messed up the entire system."

In a discussion of classical vs Mediaeval Latin: (in the tone of the priest in Princess Bride) “We sthand to sthay the wenite”

"Do you ever read the Bible and think you might be the problem?"

Paraphrase of Psalm 147:11 “I don’t want people to like me for my legs, I want them to be scared of me”

"There's a metaphor in St Caesarius' sermons that says that being a priest is like being a cow and the parishioners are calves." "I'm really sorry but I don't want my parishioners sucking on my teats!"

“If in doubt, the answer is either Jesus or Modalism”

"I've been reading an article about how commercial communion bread businesses have shut nuns out of the wafer making market." "Who do we get our alar bread from? I hope we've not sold out to Big Wafer!"

“Vegetarianism is how it was meant to be. I’m basically Adam.” <<pause>> “Do you want to walk that back?”

*in a discussion about the BCP confession* "Well if we can't bewail in church, where can we bewail?!"

Ordinand 1: Is Hippo a place? Ordinand 2: Yes, it is. Ordinand 1: So it’s not that Augustine has a hippo, then? Ordinand 2: No. but that would have been nice.

“My constant prayer is that I would be less heretical today than I was yesterday.”

In a discussion about how to revise an essay: “Don’t worry too much about the problem of evil”

"I mean, you just shouldn't have to come out of a class on sacramental theology feeling traumatised!"