Me: Yeah I’m gonna have to do this thing that’s gonna be really hard and dangerous - if you freak out and dump all your anxiety about it onto me, I can’t really handle that as well, so I’m gonna frame it as a fun silly little time “Omg you’re so adventurous!” 🤗 Me: Good it’s working

Listen it is kind of annoying when men see you doing something difficult and assume you need help But it is 100x more annoying when men see you struggling and just stand there and hit on you while you’re obviously busy

You live in a country that killed a revolutionary leader and then gave you the day off school about it

I love it when libertarians say “taxation is theft” and then I say “does Hobbes’ Leviathan really apply here though?” And then they gape at me like I uttered a wizard’s curse because you actually can’t be a libertarian if you’ve Googled your catchphrases

A boycott is not an individual choice. It is an organized collective action. You are not boycotting Amazon if you don’t know which organization asked you to boycott Amazon, nor the status of their negotiations with Amazon. Hope this helps.

There’s no such thing as an ethical diamond because if you can afford diamonds you’re hoarding wealth. That is literally the point of fine jewelry. Stop pretending you’re not rich.

Truly my reddest flag in dating is someone who can’t pick friends What do you mean you’re cool and smart and kind and funny and hot but you hang out with people who treat you like shit? And you expect ME to hang out with them? Absolutely not

Target is the fae realm. 10 minutes inside Target is 3 hours in real life. I know we’re not supporting Target right now I just wanted to let everyone know this also applies when all you’re doing is peeing.

The dazed, leisurely pace of rich tourists at a busy truck stop bathroom has made me realize rich people probably don’t normally pee and they’re just trying it out while they’re on vacation

Excellent banjo player, this guy. Will be putting him on even heavier rotation now.

Just so we’re clear, even if we buy the ICE narrative: the way to neutralize a threat when they’re driving a vehicle toward you is not to shoot and kill the driver. That’s a great way to make the problem immediately worse. Nazis are always stupid. Remember this.

Whoah crazy that the US has taken over a foreign country to control its resources for the 18th time Read this book and apologize to a Filipino

Expecting free therapy from your uber driver and then not tipping is crazy.

Are you avoiding asking for help because you’re afraid of being a burden or because you don’t trust the ability of people to help you substantially We’re all being very “it’s okay to ask for help” but we seem to not be talking about how to make sure we’re actually good at helping

Men don’t like women doing men stuff because when we start asking questions it becomes obvious they don’t know wtf they’re doing I’m shopping for a generator right now. The number of men who don’t know the difference btw a generator and an inverter/battery pack is staggering.

I’ll never buy anything that wasn’t at least partially built by a woman because what do you mean “theres just a small leak in the roof that drips right down into the electrical but I put a tarp over it when it rains and it’s fine” It’s not fine Bill

It is so nuts to me when people put two images of a celebrity next to each other and say “WHOAH! Different vibe! What happened??” You’re looking at a person who’s job is having different appearances. Probably what happened is they’re at a different event?

Hoping 2026 is the year “slow life” trad girl influencers realize that the hurrying urge they’re resisting is capitalism

Listen I’m certainly not trying to defend capitalism, but I’m seeing a lot of “ugh we shouldn’t have to work in the winter I hate capitalism” Babe if you’re a woman I have bad news… we’ve had to work very hard in the winter since long before capitalism

If you’re at my bar and you don’t know what you want, and there’s a line behind you, I’ll give you up to 2 suggestions before I drop the smile and stare at you like I hate you (I do). Babe you’re not marrying the drink. You’re not gonna remember this decision in an hour. Pick the thing on the left.

You give someone a practical gift two years in a row they’re gonna start expecting it — and that’s how you gettem Get them a power bank and then a workwear jacket and then throw em off with a sentimental knickknack that does nothing but make them cry

Doomerism is so lazy What do you mean your political philosophy is “I expect a new, better society to just naturally emerge from the ashes of the collapsing one while I sit and eat pop tarts”? That is not how anything has ever been built cupcake Read a book and then pick up a shovel

Rich kids genuinely don’t know the difference between a documentary and a vacation video

Worker solidarity isn’t just holding picket lines. It’s acting like the treatment we all deserve is normal. You want me to apply for a job without telling me the pay range? Lol. Weird. Bye. Even if it IS normal — you are helping every worker after you by setting boundaries. Do that.

Filming your child or your partner for lolz while they’re actually mad at you is so abusive omg

Girls gays and theys’ fantasies: “I would like to have sex with Cthulhu” Straight girls’ fantasies: “I am gradually realizing I’m gay as hell” Straight men’s fantasies: “if it weren’t for these pesky laws I’d be out here assaulting all kinds of people just like they deserve”

Honestly one of the great tragedies of our time is that we give kids “child safe” art supplies when they’re 3 (good thing) but then we don’t bother graduating them to proper supplies at a developmentally appropriate time A conscientious 8 year old is more than capable of using oil paints safely

Have you ever noticed there are no law classes in public school Like there is no point where they sit you down and say “okay kids here is the list of things that are illegal to do” You’re just supposed to kind of find out by word of mouth Our legal system is folklore-based

Okay God, how often should reptiles need to eat? “Like every few weeks is fine.” Okay and mammals? “Maybe like once a day?” Ok so then humans— “Every four hours.” … what? “And if they don’t they get really aggressive.” … uh “And they’re wicked smart and they can eat literally anything.” 😳

It’s so embarrassing that there are female gynecologists who don’t know how to do a Pap smear without inflicting absolutely biblical pain What do you mean you’re less gentle than the average DIVE BAR MAN? Ma’am you have an MD in this and also you HAVE ONE OF THESE

There are children who were conceived during the filming of the Lord of the Rings who are now 25 years old

Man sometimes I wish weed didn’t disagree with my constitution so much cause being high off my ass would make being sick way less shitty

Clowns have never freaked me out but people who are really into clowns always do

I want a car wash for the inside of my sinuses

I always think I don’t need fun boss until I go from fun boss to no fun boss

Guys who play D&D: green flag Guys who want to play D&D with their girl: green flag Guys who’ve played D&D their whole lives but have never met a non-man who plays until they meet you: red the fuck flag

Music nerds are OP I’m sorry Cause what do you mean your niche special interest comes with an awesome skill you can pull out that captivates a crowd and connects you directly with peoples souls AND you get to info dump about it The rest of us only get the info dump part

Are you actually an introvert or do you just have very mediocre friends

It really sucks to see a good friend go through a hard time - and it sucks worse when the hard time makes them a bad friend.

Good friends expect to be called out by their friends. If they can’t handle that they’re just activity buddies.

Love how the hottest women on earth are gay as hell It’s truly god’s greatest prank on men and I love her for that

Hey team just so we’re on the same page, it is in fact rude to let your friend regularly cook for the group and never offer to host, pitch, or even bring anything to the function. This isn’t your mom’s house. This meal used $200 in groceries. You can’t expect one person to solo that once a month.

Me at 35: damn, did I misspend my youth? Are my flirty glory days behind me? Am I pretty anymore?? The hottest people I’ve ever seen in my life: *in their 40s*

Second puberty is so real y’all Every man my age that I know is spiraling off the fucking rails

I do not like how readily companies are throwing around the word “fraud” 🏢: Sorry, your paperwork was rejected because of… the ink color maybe? We won’t tell you why. Anyways now you’re flagged to our fraud department. 😟: Holy shit. Am I being accused of fraud? 🏢: No we just like saying “fraud.”

Every year I make two full thanksgiving dinners and bring them to each of my respective parents’ houses, still hot, like it’s nothing — this has been a brag, thank you for reading

It’s thanksgiving at dad’s house which means it’s time to watch Old Man Remembers War

“Why doesn’t she dress up for me anymore waaaa” Where are you taking her that she would get dressed up for? Think a whole thought dumbass

Love is work, but it is joyous work. It nourishes you. There will be days when you can’t do it as well as you’d like, but you rest, and you heal, because you are eager to get back to the work of love. Don’t you dare ever settle for someone who resents the work of loving you.

Are you “bragging” or are you giving yourself the recognition you aren’t getting from anyone else? People who love you will be excited to hear what you’ve accomplished