The children searched the yard, baskets swinging. One egg remained, buried deep beneath the roots. It twitched when footsteps neared, whispering warnings in a voice only the soil could hear. By dusk, three kids were missing. The egg had not moved, but the earth had.

Him: I'm pretty worthless before my first cup of coffee. Me: You're not that great after.

I bought a tiny accountant yesterday. It's the little things that count.

If I was any further away from perfect, I'd be behind it.

When it is time to die, we should be given back all the time we spent on hold or in lines.

I ordered a personal pizza, but it didn't really know me at all.

He paid for the deluxe wash, left the windows down, and cranked the seat heater. Soap filled his lungs, wax sealed his eyes. As the dryers roared, he thought how nice it was to finally feel clean, right before the brushes came back for a second pass.

The ghosts filmed in perfect silence, lenses glinting in the candlelight. Their quarry stumbled through the ruins, breath ragged, eyes wide. To the dead, humans were rare prey, twitching with heat and fear. The episode ended when the last heartbeat faded from the audio.

If you are a cannibal, the obituaries are more of a menu.

The gym reeked of sweat and entertainment. Teens swayed under flickering lights, eyes glazed, chanting words they did not understand. The music throbbed like a fever. When it stopped, no one moved. They were still stupid and contagious when the smell of rot began to rise.

I am probably the most unique version of myself...

He typed 58008, flipped the calculator, and cackled. “BOOBS". The principal appeared instantly, eyes glowing, tie levitating. “You have summoned the Forbidden Digits.” The walls melted into cleavage-shaped portals. The school became a bra-shaped void. Detention was eternal.

If you look like you are insane, I'm likely already just a little bit in love with you.

He plucked stars from dying skies, stitched galaxies from dust and light, all for her. Each nebula bore her name. But she forgot him with every orbit. Time warped her memory. When she finally looked up, she saw beauty, not love. He kept building, alone.

In Hell, the Ash & Cinder Agency took only the cases no demon dared touch. Tonight’s client was a weeping soul whose murderer still walked free. By dawn, the killer’s wails joined the city’s chorus, and the detectives filed another report in blood.

I think it is about time that we all started asking, "why's Waldo?"

When forced to deal with sunshine, find water.

You're rough, but don't worry. I like them rough.

I had to convince my mom that a jetski wasn't part of the Polish air force.

Cheers, to a long life. And if I can't have a long one, may I have a billion short ones.

I need a financial support dog.

When some people give you a piece of their mind, it was clearly their last remaining piece.

I just discovered that the guy from Star Trek isn't actually named HAM Solo.

He scattered the pellets, laughing as the pigeons swarmed. By dusk their wings spanned the benches, eyes glinting red. They tore through bread, then bark, then bone. When the park emptied, only the cooing remained, low and wet, echoing over the blood-slick grass.

The only difference between the good place and the bad place is YOU.

Looking good for your age is easy. Try looking good for MY age.

Remember to tell everyone they look better in person, so they all humble brag about it online.

After New Orleans fell, Katrina refused to die. She plowed east across the continent, swallowing cities in black water and screams. High rises bowed to her fury, forests drowned in her rage. When the last radio crackled with silence, no one dared whisper Katrina’s name again.

The static on the baby monitor whispered his name. He leaned closer, hearing his grandmother’s voice, long buried, reciting a lullaby she had never sung to him. When the camera light blinked, the crib was empty, though something still breathed on the other end.

I hate that all of these old people are younger than me.

My stripping career ended when I tried to jump out of an upside-down cake and gave myself a concussion on the floor.

My therapist told me that I need a stable relationship, so I bought a horse

Never trust a sleeping aid that says MAY cause drowsiness.

Did you hear about the dyslexic bully who used to stuff lockers inside of high school students?

If you are a grape that can't get over your foot fetish, do you whine about it?

He watched his wedding, his promotion, his children’s births from a seat in the crowd. Everyone waved to the man in his place, the face they swore was his. When the credits rolled, no one saw him leave the theater. He had never been written into the script at all.

He burned out on a Tuesday, guitar still humming. The crowd had cheered, then vanished. Fame rotted fast. In the mirror, his reflection aged backward, eyes hollow. He tried to fade away. The amplifier whispered, “Rock and roll can never die.” But he could. He could.

The best version of me is always accompanied by the rain.

Relationships seem to have even more cheat days than diets.

I've never swam with the dolphins, but I do feel like I am drowning with the dumdums daily.

He strapped the machete to his restless leg, joking it might cut his midnight walks short. By dawn, the sheets were shredded, the walls scored with wild arcs. In the corner, his wife sat silent, holding what the blade had taken while he slept.

He drank the tea she offered, laughing at her talk of getting in touch with his feminine side. Hours later, his hands shrank, his voice softened, and his reflection wore her face. She watched from the mirror as he wept, his own body now only a borrowed dress.

I bought a model of the Titanic. I keep it next to my iceberg lettuce.

I bought a waited blanket from the typo store. I feel like it's never going to get here.

Sometimes, I just want to give your face CPR with my fists.

Find beauty in the mornings.

I will love you forever, but there are going to be some surcharges.

He walked through Heaven’s gates, bathed in endless light. Behind him, his shadow screamed, writhing in fire only it could feel. Each step upward dragged it deeper into the pit. Angels smiled as they welcomed him. The burning smell was his alone to notice.

The manifesto warned of the threat of AI. One intern mistyped it as "treat." Governments laughed, then deployed it. Now it bakes cookies that taste like your childhood regrets, sings lullabies in your dead mother's voice, and never stops smiling. Ever.