I wonder what would happen if you mixed Viagra with a Reebok Pump.

I love, love, love movies where Justin Long dies.

I don't need to live forever. I'd be happy to settle for half of that.

I'm pretty formal when it comes to introductions. You'd never guess my Nicholasname.

I used to want to date a conjoined twin, but she got really upset with me when I asked if she was single.

The mistletoe hung above the doorway, watching lips meet again and again. By midnight its leaves had curled inward, trembling. When the couple leaned in for one last kiss, the mistletoe dropped, vines tightening around their throats, finally claiming a kiss of its own.

If 666 is the number of the beast, is 699 the number of the horny beast?

Not saying she's ugly, but I pointed my grandma's phone at my dog's ass and the phone unlocked.

Each word he typed bled onto the page, the ink wet and pulsing. In the story, the door creaked open. In the room, it did too. By the final sentence, the shadow in his tale was standing behind him, reading over his shoulder.

Death is just Life cancelling all of your future appointments at once.

The office laughed as gifts were unwrapped. My box was last. Inside, a knife slick with fresh blood and a note: “Your turn.” The lights cut out. In the dark, wrapping paper rustled, but no one was laughing anymore.

He drained the glass, fire clawing down his throat. The room tilted, shadows leaning closer. With each swallow, fear softened, then vanished. By the time the bottle lay empty, so did he, courage pooled on the floor beside the blood.

I jingled all the way. Now I am lost.

I enjoy a good placebo now and then. As long as it works.

I found a chocolate-chip horsehead in my bed. I bet it was left there by a cookie mobster.

Eventually, one of these Mondays is going to be the last Monday of your life.

The lighthouse kept its beam on the empty sea. Inside, the keeper’s bones sat at the desk, pen in hand, ink long dry. Outside, the tide carried his name like a curse, as patient as the dark, until the sea forgot the shape of light.

I hate that I am closer to the end than the beginning.

A blender of monkeys is likely less fun than a barrel of them.

My heart is a warm fire, ever-blazing, a constant. But my mind is a terror filled cabin in the woods. It's an odd anatomical pairing, but it's mine.

On December 14, 1911, Norwegian Roald Amundsen becomes the first explorer to make it to the South Pole, and I am not mature enough to make a non-sexual post about it.

The phone rang. I answered, trembling. The killer whispered my name, promised blood. I dropped the receiver, but the voice kept talking. No wires, no signal. Just me, rehearsing my own murder aloud, wondering if I should laugh before I scream.

Ignore all of the haters. Especially the one inside your own head.

For Christmas, I want curves so big that there is a tattoo on the hip that says I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Scary Movie Premise: A family reunion, sponsored by Tinder.

Casper still waved from the doorway, but his eyes were hollows. The laughter was gone. Furniture splintered midair. Food rotted mid-bite. He murmured that he only wanted friends as the walls bled and the house locked every door from the inside.

If you were a new type of Doritos, what flavour would you be? Existing flavours get blocked!

He opened the junk drawer for batteries. Beneath tangled cords, something shifted. A slick, black shape slid deeper, dragging a spoon with it. The drawer slammed shut on its own. Later, in the dark, he heard it rummaging through the rest of the house.

It looks like my love life is also on furlough.

I am going to hire a police sketch artist for the wedding.

I accidentally cut off my finger during dinner last night, but I should be okay, as I rubbed some extra-body shampoo on it.

My heartbeat is just a musical note that I want to last forever.

He said she was stubborn, closed off. The ax was heavy, deliberate. One swing split her skull like wet wood. He smiled, peering into the ruin. “Now you’re open minded.” Her eyes blinked once. The wound howled. Something inside had been waiting to speak.

I've seen more red flags on this app than I've seen checkered flags in NASCAR. Just kidding, I don't watch NASCAR.

I see a background and I want to paint it bluuue.

Do altruistic things privately and quietly. Never, ever tell a soul.

Sometimes, I worry that my dates are just Mrs. Doubtfiring me.

Oh wow, she's cute! * notices trite, tired, played out middle finger selfies Oops, I was wrong.

I was so tired that I took a nap right in the middle of my sleep.

The crew member who fellates always goes down with the ship.

Nickelback is more than a band. It is also the amount of change you get back for a ten cent prostitute.

McDonald's has started to put more relevant treats inside of Happy Meal boxes. This month, it's an insulin shot.

I usually kiss on the first date. And the last.

I took a trip down memory lane. It was mostly gutter balls.

Do you ever wish you were the one that 8 maids were a' milking?

I tattooed a mistletoe on my ass. You know what to do.

The devil on my shoulder looks a lot like you.

Can deviled eggs be forgiven for their sins?

Deviled eggs are alright, but sometimes the horns and tails get caught between my teeth.

Hey!! Who hung this DO NOT ENTER sign on my love life??