A Few Good Men is one of the few good movies I will literally always watch whenever it’s on. When Harry Met Sally is another one. Not for nothing, he was also the best part of The Wolf of Wall Street. His anger when the phone rings gets me every time. Today really, really sucks.

The worst and most awkward scene in movie history is on FX right now if you’re interested. #FamilyStone #DinnerScene #ThisMovieSucks #SeriouslyFuckThisScene

Today I’m going to try and finally stop eating Thanksgiving leftovers. It might be a struggle to give it up cold turkey. I’m Brian Sharp reporting live from Chicagoland, back to you in the studio.

Did you see that guy doing donuts in the parking lot this morning? Oh yeah, that's Brian. He'll do that from time to time. He stops on his way to work to get a couple Boston Cremes and eats them in his car.

His “concepts of a plan” were always “fuck everyone except me, my rich friends, and people who want nothing more than to be my rich friend.”

When the United States’ version of the Nuremberg trials finally get underway, put this motherfucker near the top of the list. Say his name. Charles Exum. Absolute piece of shit, this guy.

The Bulls came back and won after being down by 26. And the parts of the country that had a voice today spoke up and said fuck you to Donald Trump and everything he stands for. Pretty decent night.

I feel like Apple developers have run out of ways to improve on their devices so now they spend their time giving us solutions for problems that don’t exist or problems we could not have imagined giving a shit about. I’m also pretty sure autocorrect has gone backwards the last two iOS upgrades.

I’m still standing. Yeah yeah yeah!

JB Pritzker every time he goes on TV and talks about Trump or Vance…

I went an entire college football Saturday without watching ESPN. It wasn’t even that hard. Folks we can do this! Hit ‘em where it hits the hardest.

Cancelled my Disney+, Hulu, and ESPN subscription. My “feedback” was “fuck you, you fascist cunts.” I feel better.

I want to meet Walton Goggins so I can tell him “I loved you in Major League: Back To The Minors.”

I just lowered the flag at my house to half staff for 9/11. I feel like I want to put up a sign next to it that says “Not For Charlie”

Oh like you haven’t given a friend a birthday card in the shape of a woman and used veiled language to make it seem but not seem like you’re a serial rapist and also signed your name to make it look like pubes. The lengths some of you will go to contrive controversy.

I like how simply saying the day of the week is a perfectly reasonable response to someone asking how you’re doing. Eh it’s Tuesday. It’s Thursday, not bad! Eh. Monday. Hey it’s Friday!!! It’s Wednesday, halfway there.

We should really stop saying “he said the quiet part out loud.” It’s not a quiet part if these racist fucks are always saying it.

I must be from New England because I… Bought Some Massive Glue Sets.

Which concert would you rather go to? Styx opening for The Rolling Stones for the Styx and Stones concert? Or Phish opening for Styx for the PhishStix concert?

The president out here casually inventing a new form of citizenship. It hasn’t been done around these parts since the mid 1860s or so but worth trying again he supposes.

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills while reading this article about Will Leitch’s new book. The book has a nearly identical plot to Short Time, a 1990 Dabney Coleman movie. Now I get it, I’m the only person who ever saw that movie. Doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. deadline.com/2025/04/lion...

I feel like there’s a little bit of a letdown for Day 2 or the NBA draft every year. If it were me I would hold the second round first and save the first round for today. It would add some build up to the top pick IMO.

Today is the day donald trump finally became thank you for your attention to this matter.

Are we really supposed to believe James Caan remembered to bring Joe Kane’s motorcycle keys with him before the last game of the season and kept them in his pocket that whole time? Piss off with that nonsense.

I went to a wedding last weekend and cut in front of a bunch of people who were standing in line for sangria. When someone called me on it I was like, hey quit your whining. No wait that’s not it. Damn it I ruined the punchline.

Give me your Mt Rushmore of Mt Rushmores. For me it has to be greatest basketball players of all time, best standup comedians, best quarterbacks, and maybe American Presidents.

Juno and Bleeker’s baby is old enough to vote.

Michael Taylor of the White Sox is hitting .184. That was good for fourth best in the starting lineup today.

Patrick Reed’s tan line makes his head look like a bobber.

The only person who would ever get me to say this… May the Bears be f*cked for all eternity. RIP friend. I already miss you bud.

Every time I see Kyle Tucker come to bat for the Cubs this year…

Helen Hunt is about to cheat on her husband and give away the family car to her ex boyfriend on AMC right now. #Castaway

I hope Canada wins by 12.

Go “All Of Your Respective Squares”!!!

If any of us are still alive in 10 years, we should demand that all citizens over the age of 29 are required to have a tattoo on their neck showing who they voted for in 2024. You either get a KH or a DT or nothing.

Was going through a box of old pictures and came across one from my fifth birthday, March of 1984, holding a Hot Wheels city. A couple feet away sat the actual damn toy. I still have it!!!

I was chatting with a friend about a dream I had where I was having a sit down conversation with Chance the Rapper, and my phone autocorrected him to Chance the Stapler. I’ll be honest this is a cartoon I might watch, and thanks to AI I already have a prototype.

You can’t make the nazi salute and then say it wasn’t the nazi salute. Saying this wasn’t a nazi salute is insulting to anyone with eyes. You know who didn’t give a Nazi salute today? People who aren’t nazis. Elon Musk is a Nazi. There is no speculation here.

Picking just one quick clip to honor this man is a difficult task. But I’m satisfied with my choice. Rest well, Harry Doyle!!!

Sometimes I feel like every single person I work with was given a process flow chart on how to do their job that shows a Start circle with an arrow pointing to a box that says “Email Brian.”

People are always telling me I have a chip on my shoulder. I guess that’s what I get for eating Doritos while laying down on the couch.

You could explain the Bielema / Beamer situation to me 100 times and I’d still be confused.

Conversations at the Dairy Queen drive-thru… “Yeah hi I would like [the exact same thing I order every single time I come here which is probably like once a week].” “Okay your total comes to [a completely different amount from the last time, once again]. Please pull around.”

Happy "Get Dozens of Out-of-Office Replies After Sending A Group Email" Day to all who celebrate!!!

"I'm going to perform 98 percent of my job completely flawlessly. The other inexplicable 2 percent is going to drive you crazy." - Can Opener

Quick reminder that today is National "skip all your meetings and conference calls" day. If anyone questions where you were, feel free to refer them to me. Or remind them that it’s Dec. 16 and they shouldn’t have scheduled it in the first place.

You guys will never guess who I saw at Woodman’s just now… Everyone. Everyone was there. They said hello. And also fuck off. Wide range of greetings.

Sometimes when I go to Portillo's by myself, I'll still order two drinks. I don't need that young kid working the drive-thru thinking I'm a piece of shit who ordered all that food for one person.

"They are a valuable asset to the company and should be recognized as suck" is one of those unfortunate, yet awesome, typos.