arm wrestling is just two guys who wanna hold hands, but don’t wanna be gay.

But seriously, who is supposed to read these federal “productivity reports”?

BRB imagining a world where being a nazi was as much of a political scandal as being gay.

They’re getting rid of the penny cause they don’t want your two cents.

I must have resting stoned face.

When you consider what bezo’s fiancée was wearing yesterday, yea it was too cold to have the inauguration outdoors.

To be fair government shutdowns have been getting shorter and shorter.

Thank god, where else was I gonna find clips of forced crowdwork at an open mic?

What’s nice about the ban is that right as it was becoming trendy to complain about it being gone it was back.

Look on the bright side, with Tik Tok banned, Americans will have time to read more books.

Gangster 1: We need a new scheme. Gangster 2 who’s been studying ancient Egyptian architecture: Ok so check it out-

Of course millennials care about the environment. We were raised on Barney, Jurassic park, and The Land Before Time, but you’re surprised we freak out about fossil fuels?

Analog porn is about to make the biggest come back.

If it was a shotgun marriage that makes you a son of a gun.

Okay but hear me out: (screams)

Chess is non-binary checkers.

Fuck, marry, kill: ghosts of Christmas from a Christmas Carol.

Wish me luck ya’ll I got 3k riding on this dog show.

Hey, shut up.

Remember when bringing up the weather was a benign conversation? Now it’s either gonna lead to natural disasters or conspiracy theories.

Putting hours into writing and shooting and editing a promo video just to have a selfie clip of me ranting about Sweden get more views.

I downloaded Sweden’s WW3 pamphlet. Disappointed to report there is not one meatball recipe.

Your biggest flex isn’t the weight you lift—it's the discipline you build. 💪🔥 Show up for YOU every single day. #FitnessMotivation #StayConsistent #GymLife

Be honest, who came here just to bitch about Twitter?

Physical fitness is super important.

Something tells me this book belongs on this app.

Working on a musical but it’s just Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” with muppets.

This worked on threads so imma try it here: Oh great and powerful algorithm, if you find it fit in your wisdom please connect me with Comics Writers Directors Performers Artists Musicians Book readers Chili eaters And all manner of cool individuals Thank you.

If you speak Spanish and love bread you’re pansexual.