I am sick to death of hearing the various talking heads say "This bill has a chance. Democrats and Republicans are on board, the President may be on board..." Why the actual F should Article 2 ever butt its nose into Article 1's business? 1 makes the law. 2 implements it. It's that simple.

ICE at the airport; ICE at the ballot box. One I can 𝙖𝙡𝙢𝙤𝙨𝙩 see, but it's still a stretch. Airports can be "borders", but only citizens can vote. In 40+ years of voting, we've had 2 dozen non-citizen Federal cases. Those crimes changed zero outcomes. So why put Immigration folks at the polls?

"Drill Baby, Drill" is not the answer. Yes, energy independence is important. And where does the most energy come from, each and every day? The Sun. More energy hits our planet every hour than all humans use in a year. We should invent and patent our way to a cleaner, safer, more healthy future.

Jared Kushner and Steve Witkoff: The coalition of the 𝙗𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜.

𝙍𝙚𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙧: President Tr- 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚: You're a horrible person. Your fake news company.should fire you. 𝙍: But Mr. P- 𝙊𝙊: Maybe I'll just fire you myself. I can do it, you know. 𝙍: But- 𝙊𝙊: Don't give that garbage. You're a disgrace. I should deport you. 𝙍: I was just saying 𝙂𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙈𝙤𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙎𝙞𝙧.

User Melissa Mira Grant queried whether Cava had expanded to airports. Hopefully not, because after getting through the security line, who would want to undergo a Cavaty Search ???

How come we're not using cheap underwater drones to trigger all these mines in the Strait of Hormuz? Just back the ships off, send in some swarms, let 'em blow up. Rinse and repeat until it's safe to resume normal operations.

Apologies to Pete Townsend... Every day I gun for you Get on the tragic bus Deportation coming soon Get on... I don't care who gets on board Get on... Pay's the same I always score Get on... (You can't live here) Now they don't know who to trust Get on... Happy just to cause a fuss Get on...

Who remembers the Chicken and Sausage wars from the 80's ? It was the Breast of times, it was the Würst of times...

The 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚 on Iran: "I better use some Tim Tok just in case I start smashing her. I'm automatically attracted to beautiful countries. I just startt smashing them. Just smash. I don't even wait. When you're a star you can do anything. Grab them by the Farsi. You can do anything." Ugh.

My doctor said the memory loss drugs might cause impotence, and said I had a decision to make. I don't remember what I decided.

Tired of your restaurant staff doing a poor job sweeping? Introducing 𝘾𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙫𝙤𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙨 𝙁𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙧𝙨. (CA's built allergic to shoes; business not liable if customer comes in barefoot)

𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯: In trying to determine what really happened during the 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚's Butler,PA, assassination attempt, the Red Team in 2027 secretly financed a crazy expensive, off the books project to build a time machine and see what really happened. Turns out he did it; the whole thing was staged.

A line of do-it-yourself building supply stores catering to Jewish clientele: Shalom Depot

The President of the United States is a... Wrong Answers Only:

Simple fix for the DHS budget quagmire: Start with critical infrastructure. As a good-faith effort, compromise by authorizing pay for TSA Airport staff only (while actually working at the airport, so they can't sneakily be deployed somewhere else). Coast Guard next, etc.

Blue Butterfly Feature Request: "Oops Mode", wherein you have a couple minutes to fix typos in a post.

A deleted post informed us: BREAKING NEWS: Chuck Norris dies before the 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚. I have nothing left to believe in. --- Bummer. He became a parody of himself, but the old CN quotes were golden. My favorite: Chuck Norris does not sleep. He 𝙬𝙖𝙞𝙩𝙨.

After March Madness a tournamen is held for all the teams that didn't make it: 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙘𝙝 𝙎𝙖𝙙𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙨. Each losing team advances in the bracket, but out of cumulative depression the final game is never played.

The FCC should rename itself to: "FC Nothing To See Here" The Pedo in Chief gets his little feelings hurt (like he actually has any), and thinks: "Hey, if it's gone, I won't have to look at it anymore!" Sadly, future historians will refer to this as the 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙨𝙩𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 administration...

One of my favorite restaurants is owned by a devout Catholic. Even though I was raised Secular, we get along great. I really like his new employee bi-lingual program. All staff must must become fluent in their own native language ... and Latin.

I know he slept for a long time, but by now you'd think the guy would have been promoted to 𝙂𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙖𝙡 𝘼𝙢𝙚𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙖.

Since 1946, the U.S. Commander in Chief has received a Presidential Daily Briefing containing need-to-know security info. Of course the 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚 does things a little differently. He gets a PB&J from the Inn at Little Washington, delivered daily to the White House, costing taxpayers $45K per bite

Q: "Doctor, how long does it take a 3 year old child to forget they did something wrong and stop hiding in their room crying about it?" A: "Hmmm, I'm not really sure, Mr. President. Why do you ask?"

Pete Ricketts (R, NE) stumping on the Senate floor for Federal support due to the "Natural Disaster" of serious wildfires in his state. Problem: They're not "Natural". We Humans did a great deal to modify the environment which created these disasters.

The current voting qualifications bill in Congress shall henceforth be known as the Save𝙍 Act.

Say, how is the 𝙈𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙙𝙖𝙚's "Boring Company" coming along? Seems it has a great opportunity to solve the Hormuz problem, by just digging under all that pesky, currently dangerous water. It may even discover a side hustle profit venture by grabbing all that oil while making the tunnel !!!

This Just In: USA has initiated a new "Crews" Missile program, outfitted primarily by clones of Tom and Ted, the weapons being dropped from orbit directly into the target countries. Initial testing has shown one model to be improbably yet wildly successful, while the other is a complete dud.

Hahaha, invite came in around 3. Too late now, it'll already be packed. Maybe next time!

If anyone goes to the BS/Onion SXSW party, let us know how it went. Thought I had RSVP'd a few days ago but guess it was already booked...

Gas prices are going through the roof. Last time this happened, Iran was also on the other side of it. But, unlike last time, I didn't blame the President.

Any time the phrase "Forever War" is uttered in a news story, Viet Nam veteran and major Skiffy writer Joe Haldeman should get a royalty from usage of his first novel's title.

𝙏𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙞𝙣: The parent company of Facebook has purchased MetaMucil from Proctor & Gamble. They plan to change the product's name to just 𝙈𝙪𝙘𝙞𝙡, so as to avoid confusion and brand ickyness...

They don't like to talk about it, but I'd wager the NSA can listen in to most phone calls. Sure wish they'd point an ear at the 𝙊𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚 𝙊𝙣𝙚's burners. Anything that tool says out loud is a lie, and all else is secret. What he 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨𝙣'𝙩 say out loud, we, his employer, have a right to know.

Channeling Emily Litella: What's all this fuss I hear about the Straight of Hormuz being 𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨 ? Mimes are friendly, quiet and peaceful, nothing to be afraid of! Chevy: "No, Emily, it's 𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙛 𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨. Underwater bombs. Oh, that's different. Never mind!

Random Awesome Quotes: 𝙊𝙪𝙧 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙚𝙛 𝙟𝙤𝙗 𝙞𝙣 𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙘𝙝 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙨𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙨𝙛𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙨. -- Frederick Pohl, 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙒𝙞𝙯𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙋𝙪𝙣𝙜'𝙨 𝘾𝙤𝙧𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙨, 1959

Ignorant of how these huge oil tankers work. Is it just one huge hold inside, or do they load individual very large "barrels"? If the latter, why haven't UAE & Oman long ago built - as insurance - a rail line to the Arabian sea, bypassing Iran's ability to FUBAR their profits?

Every time I fill up the car here I get scared...

Never thought I'd find myself in sympathy with the Iranian Foreign Minister, but the sad fact is they did not start these hostilities. Also, neither did the U.S. Don't agree with Iran's way of like, but sadly Bibi's been spoiling for this for years, and our CEO is so stupid he helped FUBAR us all.

It's awful to make light of what that poor girl in the latest SchlepStein revelation went through, but now my favorite punk band name is 𝙋𝙪𝙣𝙘𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙈𝙪𝙨𝙝𝙧𝙤𝙤𝙢.

There's no dog at the White House because whole cabinet is the Orange One's bitch.

Blood is red, and November's going to be a bloodbath for the Red Team. From tariffs to pointless vengeful indictments to murdering citizens in the street to the insanity of attacking Iran, their beloved leader has made so many bad decisions, Robert Menendez could get his job back if he ran again.

Channeling Emily Litella: What's all this fuss I hear about 𝙑𝙞𝙤𝙡𝙚𝙣𝙩 𝙎𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙖𝙨 𝙄𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙚𝙙 ? That kind of music is almost always peaceful, and I'm not sure why a job posting company is even involved. Chevy: "No, Emily, it's 𝙑𝙞𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙣 𝙎𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙩𝙖 𝙞𝙣 𝘿. Oh, that's different. Never mind!

Watching Sheldon Whitehouse speak to a mostly empty Senate chamber about Epstein and his connections. Awful, and fascinating. Apropos of nothing, it also occurs to me he would be most excellently played by Steve Martin on SNL.

Soon we will all only see Kristi Gnome in the garden with all those other little statues. Way to ruin the look of a good garden, Kristi ..

I wonder who's going to take Kristi Gnome out to a field and sh.... oh, never mind.

This just in: Corey Lewandowski gives his pledge ring to Markwayne Mullin, professes undying love.

Headline November 6, 2030: 𝘾𝙧𝙤𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙩𝙩 𝘾𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙨 𝘾𝙧𝙪𝙯'𝙨 𝘾𝙡𝙤𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙩𝙩

I am both happy James Talarico won the Senate Primary, and sad that Crockett lost. Our Congress would (and one day still might) be a better place with both of them in office. Double shame on the Red Team for the awful gerrymandering move on her district (along with Doggett & Casar in Austin).