A local travel writer is found quite armless erected as the Venus de Milo. Suspicion falls on Morton Fendle’s church warden and magician, obsessed that efforts to curb industrial pollution in the town might threaten to reveal that Midsomer is not actually a real place.

A mute castrato is found crushed by a trained rhinoceros. Suspicion falls on Lower Warden’s netball team, angry that a new wind farm might threaten a complete meltdown of the comments section.

A local owl breeder is found immured. Suspicion falls on Scratchy Bottom’s angry old-age pensioner, angry that a shortage of hand sanitisers might threaten a rare plant found on the cricket pitch.

A local computer programmer is found hanging from a church weathercock. Suspicion falls on Matching Trousers’ company of morris dancers, obsessed that sinister clown sightings might threaten TV reception during the World Cup.

A poor county employee is found sliced paper-thin and published as an avant-garde novel. Suspicion falls on Nob End’s infosec community, confused that private broadcaster bias might threaten the closure of increasingly-needed food banks.

An overwrought iron distributor is found dead aboard the LNER Class A3 No. 4472 steam locomotive. Suspicion falls on Great Snoring’s Cat Sanctuary owner, angry that the imminent increase in postage rates might threaten old-fashioned family partnerships.

An antique dealer is found in a pit filled with concrete, with a tin box resting on the top. Suspicion falls on Little Upton’s heavy-handed book publisher, deeply concerned that petty threats might threaten to expose Threads as just a planetary-scale panopticon.

An unused stuntman from The Lord of the Rings trilogy is found shoved off of a bell tower. Suspicion falls on Outer Biscuit-Ferry’s junior school teacher, confused that watered down beer might threaten to unleash the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

A royal nonce is found in a tank with an octopus named Fred wrapped around the body. Suspicion falls on Morton Fendle’s trainspotters, confused that low vitamin D levels in vampires might threaten to chop down the millenia-old yew tree.

A failed TV writer turned transphobe is found buried alive. Suspicion falls on Swarf End’s Cat Sanctuary owner, disturbed that antimatter leaking into the nearby reservoir might threaten a rare plant found on the cricket pitch.

A meteorologist, who’d been feeling a bit under the weather of late, is found with maggots overflowing from the mouth. Suspicion falls on Monks Barton’s twins, confused that long queues might threaten local power structures.

A retired American woman is found booted into eternity. Suspicion falls on Little Begging’s Foreign Legion Post Ladies Auxiliary, upset that a growing number of people who can read and think clearly might threaten the supply of artisanal chocolate.

A local fencing instructor is found attacked by crabs dropped from drones. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Oaks’ funeral directors, confused that an alarming decline of peat bogs might threaten the weightlifting regime of local ministers.

The town’s cantankerous children’s party planner is found murdered after a game of backgammon. Suspicion falls on Little Begging’s green society, disturbed that a hacked driverless car might threaten Aardman Animations, Ltd.

A local candle maker is found after a botched attempt to join the castrati. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Blighty’s tapestry weaver, worried that the decline in newspaper reading might threaten agricultural exhibitions in the country.

The village rascal is found waterboarded to death. Suspicion falls on Wookey Hole’s teen computer hacker, disturbed that a new pandemic might threaten the rabbit show.

A poor county employee is found stabbed during a brothel scuffle. Suspicion falls on Many Crooks’ real ale appreciation society, disturbed that owls might threaten supplies of aromatic candles shaped like male genitalia.

An underappreciated archivist is found killed in a manner too awful to describe on Bluesky even. Suspicion falls on Hyannisports’ Midsomer University chess club, upset that a commercial tea shop might threaten to expose Threads as just a planetary-scale panopticon.

A Marx-quoting capitalist is found with maggots overflowing from the mouth. Suspicion falls on Many Crooks’ society of Venus watchers, deeply concerned that a nearby NATO airbase might threaten an annual cricket match that everyone really cares about for some reason.

An overwrought iron distributor is found inflated on a pair of late 19th century industrial blacksmiths bellows. Suspicion falls on Lower Warden’s Communist Party chapter, angry that a plan to sell off the mansion might threaten to call a detective cat out of retirement.

An Australian historian of the Scots is found slain in the high street. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Macy’s strawberry-pickers association, worried that a clash between two rival librarian groups over sorting methods might threaten the annual Cooper’s Hill Cheese-Rolling Race.

A Twitch streamer is found cancelled. Suspicion falls on Little Didling’s tech bro, worried that poor quality tea might threaten trout fishing.

A corduroy-wearing academic is found stabbed in the neck with a corkscrew. Suspicion falls on Llanwrtyd in Powys’ Midsomer University computer club, upset that antimatter leaking into the nearby reservoir might threaten the end of the Internet’s most popular bot.

A Marx-quoting capitalist is found spirited away into the night, seemingly without explanation. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Morchard’s Midsomer University computer club, deeply concerned that the closure of the arts and crafts gallery might threaten the local manor.

An orphaned genealogist is found sawn clean in two. Suspicion falls on Outer Biscuit-Ferry’s Shaft Appreciation Society, upset that researchers who don’t understand how much this all means to the village might threaten 16 more murders.

An elderly bearded, vegetarian manhole collector is found packaged up and dispensed from a meat vending machine. Suspicion falls on Badger’s Drift’s New Age commune, deeply concerned that a vicar’s choir banquet might threaten pizza deliveries.

A short-statured 山水盆景 fan is found sliced up with a grass trimmer. Suspicion falls on Upton Snodsbury’s heavy-handed book publisher, obsessed that lowering standards in the soft fruit industry might threaten crop circles.

A pavement chalk artist who's great at body outlines is found savaged by a werewolf named Winston. Suspicion falls on Martyr Warren’s global conglomerate in charge of the Internet, frightened that rising flood levels might threaten a complete meltdown of the comments section.

A Caroline Graham fan is found efficiently harvested by a combine harvester. Suspicion falls on Cocklake’s exclusive Fish Finger Society, frightened that the rising cost of petrol might threaten the Tower of London ravens.

A local mushroom hunter is found stabbed while on the toilet. Suspicion falls on Martyr Warren’s fired ceramic artist, disturbed that the disappearance of 35 million British hedgehogs might threaten the closure of the Auburn Echo Village.

A celebrity vicar is found with the lower part of the body ruptured. Suspicion falls on Beavers Dune’s company of morris dancers, disturbed that all-encompassing whiteness might threaten orderly queueing.

Florida man is found dead after a heated argument about the Oxford comma. Suspicion falls on Titley Close’s Brexiteers, angry that a tarot reading using an ancient deck of tarot cards might threaten to overshadow the sheepdog trials.

An entirely forgettable sociology professor is found infected by a novel coronavirus. Suspicion falls on Drooping Point’s Audi driver, obsessed that a plan to steal valuable goshawk eggs might threaten reruns of Are You Being Served.

A social distancer is found stung to death by deliberately enraged bees. Suspicion falls on Broughton’s fired organist, confused that rising flood levels might threaten the closure of the local discotheque.

A local millionaire software developer is found on stage with a slashed throat. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Oaks’ hot-under-the-collar climate denialists, confused that dinner parties might threaten the second coming of Cliff Richard.

A one-armed hot tar roofer is found magnetised to a steel sculpture of Lakshmi Mittal. Suspicion falls on Midsomer St. Claire’s manager of a local tiger sanctuary, disturbed that off-peak bus services might threaten to call a detective cat out of retirement.

The town’s cantankerous children’s party planner is found as an exquisitely scented candle made from human tallow. Suspicion falls on Gumpton Marsh’s not-so-earnest Hemingway society, frightened that a new pandemic might threaten the end of privacy online.

A local bagpiper is found decapitated in a fruit pasteuriser. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Mere’s company of morris dancers, angry that James T. Kirk lookalikes might threaten the end of The Economist.

A woebegone lexicographer is found buried neck-deep in pudding and eaten by Pudding Ants. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Sonning’s metal detectorists, upset that a big movie shoot taking place in the town might threaten the Midsomer Luxury Villas.

An author of gothic fiction is found dead with the hair, urine, and a tooth placed in a buried witch bottle. Suspicion falls on Midsomer’s leader of the local Miners’ Strike re-enactment society, disturbed that low vitamin D levels in vampires might threaten to alter the pudding recipe.

A former supermodel turned antivaxxer is found stuffed inside a 16' open wood church organ pipe. Suspicion falls on Great Pelfe’s audiologist, One-Eared Brian, obsessed that a decline in tourism might threaten the United Kingdom’s competitiveness at Eurovision.

A local yacht club member is found dead in the street, and starved. Suspicion falls on Binwell’s black death re-enactment society, upset that a giant, runaway inflatable duck might threaten over-moisturised octogenarians.

A local barber (who’s a cut above the rest) is found by a pack of foxhounds face down in a shallow puddle. Suspicion falls on Marsh Wood’s obsessive history buffs, worried that researchers who don’t understand how much this all means to the village might threaten badgers.

A b-list character actor is found brutally cut down by Britain’s most dangerous lawnmower. Suspicion falls on Torpenhow’s poached eggs society, disturbed that the end of local tobacco production might threaten lace doily production levels.

A sexually-frustrated Tory is found silenced in perpetuity. Suspicion falls on Upton Snodsbury’s community-spirited verger, frightened that an influx of Norman nobility might threaten to reveal that up to 20% of art in British museums is fake.

A so-called comedian who thinks blackface was once funny and acceptable is found run over by a motorised bathtub. Suspicion falls on Nether Wallop’s chapter of the Ayn Rand society, upset that the new sugar tax might threaten realistic prospects of avoiding human-society-ending climate change.

A local violin maestro is found packaged up and dispensed from a meat vending machine. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Newton’s cold-hearted meteorologists, angry that a bungled vaccine rollout might threaten the sacred oak.

A person who doesn’t talk to cleaners is found rolled up in a rug and then trampled by horses. Suspicion falls on Midsomer Tor’s poacher, frightened that massive union mobilisation might threaten to overshadow the sheepdog trials.

A socially-inept Mastodon bot developer is found poisoned by E. coli from unwashed Romaine lettuce. Suspicion falls on Beggars Bush’s Foreign Legion Post Ladies Auxiliary, disturbed that equestrian tourism might threaten to expose a web of sex, blackmail and lies.

A banjo-playing philosopher is found sawn clean in two. Suspicion falls on Little Ox Eye’s army base, confused that new vernacular might threaten an annual cricket match that everyone really cares about for some reason.