So... is there a Mr. Issippi? #dadjoke

If you hold a crab to your ear you can hear what it's like to be attacked by a crab. #dadjoke

I've heard the plan is to bury the Epstein files under the Ballroom's foundation.

Killing two birds with one stone isn’t as impressive when you realize stones are reusable. #dadjoke

It's tough leaving a gym membership, I ended up in a fitness protection program. #dadjoke

I'm trying to get tickets to the next U2 concert... but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. #dadjoke

Let me just leave this here for no apparent reason... www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK1E...

If the sun can blackout on a Monday afternoon, so can I. #dadjoke

I’m not so sure about this daylight savings time thing... I give it about six months. #dadjoke

What do you call the head of a school of fish... A Sardean. #dadjoke

If the letter "t" was silent, we'd never hear the end of it. #dadjoke

How does the Moon clip it's hair... eclipset. #dadjoke

Irony... the opposite of wrinkly. #dadjoke

Got fired from working the vinyl pressing machine for yelling “It’s a new record!” every 10 seconds. #dadjoke

I've got two, maybe three good Motown puns left in me... Four Tops. #dadjoke

Q: Knock knock. A: Who's there? Q: Control freak. Q: Now you say "Control freak who?" #dadjoke

A weasel walks into a bar, the bartender asks "what can I get for you?"... "pop" goes the weasel. #dadjoke

Whenever someone tells me their name, I enter my Memory Palace, stand around for a bit, and then say "what did I come in here for?" #dadjoke

Anything can be a palindrome if you uoyfie mordnila paebnac gnih tyna. #dadjoke

Modern society is so divorced from our food sources that most people who eat pop tarts have never actually killed one themselves. #dadjoke

Such a relief to learn that all of my problems are in my head. The thing that I am trapped in and can never escape. #dadjoke

There once was a man from Nantucket Who searched all the web for a bucket He clicked on a link And before he could blink Never gonna give you up... #dadjoke

The first rule of don’t fight club is let’s talk about it. #dadjoke

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two? One… or two? #dadjoke

Yesterday I was annoyed and frustrated so last night I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed. #dadjoke

Fast food places should offer a new vegetarian item... chicken pretenders. #dadjoke

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bed sheet... More on this story, as it unfolds. #dadjoke

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark... So in a triathlon, it all comes down to who is the better cyclist. #dadjoke

Why can’t more things be as easy as gaining weight? #dadjoke

I'm glad to report that the employee who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered. #dadjoke

It seems wrong only one company makes Monopoly. #dadjoke

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter... Pumpkin π #dadjoke

Studies show monsters mashing earlier every year due to climate change. #dadjoke

Self affirmation of the day... you can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning. #dadjoke

I am starting a franchise of tutoring centers that teach kids all about 80’s pop music... I'm calling it Kumon Eileen. #dadjoke

Age verification? Han shot first.

Is a hippopotamus … just a really cool popotamus? #dadjoke

Why don't they play poker in the jungle... too many cheet-ahs. #dadjoke

Why isn’t Mother’s Day the day after Labor Day? #dadjoke

A pizza is just a real-time pie-chart of how much pizza is left. #dadjoke

I don’t know who broke my scale but they won't get a weigh with it. #dadjoke

What do you call a factory that makes things that are just ok? A satisfactory. #dadjoke

The catchphrase “pics or it didn’t happen” has led scientists to agree that the universe began in 1826. #dadjoke

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo... seems like a very low amount of rodeos. #dadjoke

The “b” in “flip” is really just there as an example. #dadjoke

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99 #dadjoke

I’m writing a stage show called "Puns"... It’s a play on words. #dadjoke

I think a lot of conflict in the wild west could have been avoided if cowboy architects had made towns big enough for everyone. #dadjoke

Huge fight at seafood restaurant... battered fish everywhere. #dadjoke

You know, Edgar Allan Poe really ruined it for anyone who just wants to show their bitter enemy something cool in a catacomb. #dadjoke