Want a refund? Simply go to the desk between gate 4 and 5. Then past it and down the corridor to the bus stop, to the Outer Hebrides. Get off, then two ferries and a cycle later, you’re there. At the beginning of a 3,256 foot climb. At the top ask for Morag. She's not often in.

Who needs an expensive heliport when our patented mobile launch system saves space and offers a world firs…never mind.

Ha! Hilarious. We swapped the remote control garage door opener in Bob's car for the one that operates the hangar door. He be at home now clicking away at his garage. He'll be livid.

That's dedication for you. One of our dispatchers practising his gate signals even on his day off.

First time we've had to scrape a layer of frost off an aircraft this year! Unfortunately it was Nigel Frost from Gate Management. Fell out a swinging jet bridge and straight into the engine of a docking 767. Tragic.

Travel Tip: At a dinner party in Turkey, it’s could be considered ‘rude’ to make love to the host’s wife on the table half way through the meal.

Marvellous. Video just in from Wilma and Burt, visiting friends in Florida. They're putting on a firework display just for them. Lovely to see.

Our Little Flyers Club bonfire night has started! Benny in Maintenance is setting of the lovely firewor...oh ffs.

Kev from Air Traffic had his first blowjob on a plane yesterday! That’ll teach him to fall asleep with his mouth open.

Anyone know a handy bloke with a van who can also put flat pack together? Needs to be cheap. We've got a KÖNTRÖLL TÖWUR to pick up from IKEA first thing.

£74 million Lottery jackpot tonight, so I thought I'd do a few lines. I was so high, I forgot to get a Lottery ticket.

Passenger Announcement: Luggage from the 18:10 Alicante inbound can now be picked up at baggage claim 120. Or more accurately, the A120. To Colchester. Please look before you cross.

I think the new body scanners at security might need some fine tuning.

Slight delay on the 14:50 to Alicante. Apparently Benny from maintenance is on the case.

A preflight walk around is vital for safety reasons.

As you can imagine, clear communication at an airport is critically important. For example, even a colon can drastically change the meaning of a sentence. 'A pilot ate a Flight Attendant's sandwich.' 'A pilot ate a Flight Attendant's colon.'

I see Prince Andrew has been stripped of everything. No change there then.

I see the ballroom is coming along nicely. Classy.

To be fair, it doesn't say anywhere on the touchscreens how much pressure you should use.

Employee of the month goes to Bill, our Departure Hall Manager! Found out a burger chef was beefing his wife and giving her an assortment of fillings, yet he still came to work! You'd never have known. Top lad.🏆

Delighted to welcome a new florist to the airport.

Good news! We've launched a new Ryanair upgrade scheme that is guaranteed to improve your flight experience. For just a few pounds more, passengers can book the same route with another airline.

We did a joint promotion in Departures today with Ann Summers and McDonalds. Big mistake.

Just saw one of our baggage handlers hunched over and loading suitcases into his car. Obviously I had to have a strong word. It’s vitally important to keep a straight back when you lift.

Michael McIntyre is in. He has his profession down as ‘Comedian' in his passport. That’s the first time I’ve laughed hilariously at something he’s said.

I never thought I’d be the kind of person that cared about lost luggage. Turns out I was right.

We have some top brands at greatly reduced prices in Duty Free. They do have a very slight imperfection, but it’s not something anyone would notice.

Fact: The Airbus A220 was the company's first ever passenger glider. Commercially successful, it dominated the market for very, very short flights. Its short haul distance depended entirely on how strong the elastic bands were at launch.

We’re often asked how we make the mince meat in our burgers so tender. Well, every chef has their little trade secrets!

I've had a bag of bolts on my desk all day, and I can't for the life of me remember what they're for.

The front landing gear of the 15:35 from Alicante has just hit the runway. Hopefully the rest of the plane will follow soon.

Lovely to see the historic visit today between King Charles and the first American Pope, Leo. God bless you both.

Had the ladies in from the Bishop's Stortford Rotary Club today! They were ever so interested in our testing facility and they all came out with huge smiles on their faces.

I see Prestwick Airport have splashed out on a new push back tractor.

Flying 1st Class? Why not take advantage of our complimentary baggage service? Simply point out an economy passenger you’ve taken a dislike to, and we’ll send their luggage to a long haul destination of your choice.

The human brain is the most outstanding organ in the body. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year - from birth right up until the moment you buy things in an airport WH Smith.

Smashing. Video just in from Barbara, enjoying a week in New York with her friend. Lovely to see.

A few delays on the Stansaid Express this afternoon. It’s always the same in Autumn, you get the odd branch on the line that needs clearing.

I was just thinking about old Bob from our I.T. Department. He left to join Amazon Web Services and it's his first day on the job today!

Just going to ask Benny from Maintenance to lower the new perimeter fence. No reason.

Coffee tasted odd today. I wonder what they put in it?

Our T-shirt shop does a roaring trade with passengers who don’t speak English.

Every day Ngumba has to ride 10 miles down a steep and dangerous mountain on a rusty bike with no brakes. If enough people buy our Unfairtrade Coffee, we'll upload the video. It's absolute comedy gold.

You can now step directly from our VIP Lounge straight into a private jet. #Luxury

Why not try our new sushi bar? Our raw fish pieces are much, much bigger than other sushi bars. We also cover them in batter, pop them into a deep fryer and serve them with chips.

We're displaying a real Rolls Royce jet engine in Departures for all you aviation enthusiasts! No idea which plane it fell off and please mind yourself when climbing over large pieces of roof.

Fact: The Dutch are the tallest race of people on earth. Which gives them a distinct advantage when it comes to aircraft maintenance.

Fact: If you removed all the buttons from an A320 cockpit & laid them end to end along the aisle, you'd probably reach the wings as the plane hit the ground.

Working in an airport has its perks. For example, I was given a couple of upgrades on the way back from the Caribbean. I used them to go from Economy to Business, then to First. My girlfriend was raging apparently, although I couldn’t really hear her from the front of the plane.

Please do not clap after landing, pilots already know they are great. Boy do they know. And they will let you know too. All the time. Literally every conversation, without fail. Relentlessly. You'll want to stick a fork in your eye...