'Twas the delay before Christmas, when all through the Check-In, Not a suitcase was stirring, all chucked in the bin. The passengers were stung by our WH Smith fayre, and the flight to Alicante will never get in the air.

Travel Fact: Wine tastes different at 36,000ft because at ground level, you'd never buy such piss

My doctor told me that I should start running. I thought that was quite rude considering he was a dinner guest I'd just introduced him to my girlfriend.

Meep meep.

Well done Edna, 72. Cracking piece of parallel parking in her first flying lesson. Marvellous.

Slight delay on the 14:25 to Alicante. The pilot is afraid of heights.

Apparently 'go on then, f**k off' isn't a recognised clearance to pilots waiting to take off. You learn something new every day in this job.

I have to say, today's social media training course for our Customs & Excise department was a smash hit!

Keeley from our Ann Summers volunteered to do the inflatables this year. Big mistake.

Just majestic. A triple salchow followed by a camel spin then an upright double. That's an easy 9.5 in the eyes of the judges and I can't wait to see him compete in next year's Winter Olympics.

Smashing. Picture just in from Barry, 78, flying over Cape Tribulation where the Daintree Rainforest meets the Great Barrier Reef in Queensland. Marvellous.

Our Santa’s Grotto is temporarily closed. I will be taking no more questions at this time.

It was Keith Richards' Birthday yesterday! Tell you what, that bloke has seen a lot. The fall of the Berlin Wall, end of the Great War, The Reformation, the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, the murder of Julius Caesar, Giza's Pyramids being built, dinosaurs getting wiped out, our Galaxy forming…

I hope Ryanair like their Christmas present this year. It should help them next time they see a field in the middle of nowhere and they think ‘that’s Paris.’

Slight delay on the 22:15 to Alicante. Kev from Air Traffic has just nipped out to Sanji's on the corner for a bag of pound coins. Shouldn't be long.

We’ve just revealed the special livery for our Lapland Flights to Santa’s Grotto! No idea why kids are crying.

A big thank you to Evri for delivering the Tamagotchis today for the kids' Christmas presents. Okay, they were for Christmas 2009, and they've both finished University now, but it's still appreciated. #Evri

Have you ordered our amazing 2026 wall calendar? It's a stunning collection of some of the world's most beautiful places. #Inspirational

Fed up with one of the neighbours always showing off with the Christmas lights. So this year I said I'd organise the rest of the street.

We have a great December offer for pilots! A free buzz cut is now included in your landing fee.

You get some heartwarming tales in an airport. Chatting to a little old lady who was beside herself with joy as the rescue cat she adopted from Turkey has finally arrived.

Had a guy through Passport Control earlier who said his name was D…D…D…Dav…Dav…D…Dav…David. I told him to take his time if he had a stutter, but he said he didn’t. Apparently his Dad had the stutter, and the bloke who filled in his Birth Certificate was an arsehole.

Well done team. It's not easy hauling this out of the warehouse each year, then building it up to bring the magic of Christmas into the terminal. I'm sure the passengers appreciate it. We all do.

Sad day. A young hipster trainee who I was quite close to is in hospital with terrible injuries. I was quite close to him because, otherwise, I couldn’t have hit him in the face with a brick so he’d shut the fuck up about being vegan.

Great to see Margo returning to work after the jet fuel accident two weeks ago, rocking the hairless look. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s kerosene.

What a blinder our new chef has played for Christmas lunch in our restaurant. No wonder he has 2 Dunlop Stars. Book early to avoid disappointment.

Had a few pints at lunch time with instructor Geoff from our Skydiving School! He had to go back to work though.

I think those who paid £50 a head to see the amazing Coca Cola Christmas truck pass through here today would all agree they got their money's worth. Kids were crying. #Emotional

Unfortunately we had to cancel our under 7s ‘Little Flyers’ drawing competition. There were lots of entries, but you’d think they’d never seen a plane in their lives. What an absolute load of shite. I worry about the next generation of engineers.

*David Attenborough voice* Winter approaches, and the great migration is about to begin. Grossly overweight for the long journey ahead, they will now mate, and then disperse to every corner of the world, never to be seen again...

Just seen the first cut of our new Christmas promotion advert. So emotional. Filling up here.

Kev from Air Traffic went to see the boss today to demand a pay rise. He said he wasn't taking no for an answer. I don't think it went well.

That's the 16:10 from Manchester just in. Mad for it.

The bumper Annuals for the kids aren't selling that well. No idea why.

Did the Christmas shopping early this year.

Flying 1st Class? Then why not take advantage of our complimentary valet parking? Simply drink as much free alcohol as you want, then have a go at parking an economy passenger's car.

NOW it feels a little more like Christmas.

Fact: San Francisco airport has an anxiety therapy pig that is dressed in different costumes to help relieve stress in nervous passengers. We do a very similar thing here, except ours is dressed in a bun with egg, lettuce and tomato and is served with fries.

⭐️TRAVEL HACK!⭐️ ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️ GUARANTEED UPGRADE!!!!!!!! ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️ PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET, HAND OVER YOUR CREDIT CARD AND PAY FOR THE UPGRADE YOU CHEAP BASTA

Sorry we had the RAF fly past and strafe the Departure Lounge with heavy fire, but we had reports of a guy with a man bun and panpipes telling someone about his personal journey of self awareness and how his tattoos symbolised each stage of his internal growth.

(Ryanair marketing meeting) Marketing Guy: *sniffs glue* So, get this, we charge passengers mid flight for landing. They don’t pay extra, we don’t land. Sales Guy: ARE YOU FUC... Michael O’Leary: I’m listening…

And now we go live to the Scotland Manager after the World Cup draw.

Flying to Scotland and need a gift? We still have a few Advent Calendars left in our Duty Free.

Mate, they're rotors, not parking sensors.

Fact: When the plane gets raised to 30 metres, our crane then spins around rapidly until it reaches launch velocity and we cut the rope. This saves up to 65% of the fuel normally used in a conventional take off. #Environment

A Ryanair Flight Attendant was fired today. Well, when I say fired, they tried, but his departure was delayed 4 times before being cancelled 5 minutes before he was supposed to go. We'll see you tomorrow then Nigel.

Launched a new underwear campaign on our shuttle buses today but the client’s going apeshit. No idea why.

That’s the Air Ambulance just back in. They save so many liv…oh ffs.

Marvellous. Picture just in from Aaron, a pipe fitter, enjoying the warmer climes off the coast of Hawaii. Very envious Aaron, but please don’t send selfies on the emergency frequency chap, it’s important we keep that clear in case of crisis. Smashing.

The new 2026 airport calendar is now available in Duty Free. Order now to avoid disappointment.