My most hard-boiled communist take is that anything but black coffee is weakness and western decadence.

Doctor: thoughts of suicide? Me: only in the Aurelian sense Doctor: ..???…??? Me: see it begins in the 4th century BCE, and a man is only responsible…. Doctor: *kills their self *

Songs fading out is the ultimate boomer affectation. Finish your little song princess. Ain’t nobody got time to sit around and imagine you repeating the chorus in perpetuity.

Lisa Barlow might be zodiac killer. She is a maniac. I’m honestly scared for my children.

I’d rather knee on my feet, than live on my dies. America.

People love to say, “oh, I love my wife. She’s my partner in crime.” Fuck that. My wife is dope and my best friend. She fucking sucks at crime. She is my partner in alibi. Gotta know your role in the relationship.

I’m doing a bit where I have a Polaroid of my penis and I’m just gonna hold it until I can slip it into my buddy’s pocket and just wait.

New York in the city that never sleeps… with me

Welp. Lisa Murkowski shouldn’t have another peaceful meal in her life again.

Republicans mad that trans woman won bingo at retirement community: said house speaker, “we have to worry about old women too, because we are secretly gay.”

I don’t write songs because I’m afraid Kelly Clarkson is going to cover it at some point and prove I’m a talentless loser.

If aliens decided to waste their time and came to earth and met Katy Perry in our lower orbit… honestly, yeah; that’s about right. What? They’re gonna land in the desert in Nevada and grab three 38 year olds all named Kevin for a “dude’s weekend” in Vegas? Face it. We’re all trash.

While, “How Will I Know,” by Whitney Houston is an all-time great song; ultimately, it is so linked thematically and textually to 1963’s “The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s in his Kiss),” that regrettably it does have to face serious allegations of being somewhat derivative.

I may be a ho. At some point. But I’ll never be the ho that screams, “get in the hole!” On the tee shot of a par five. Have some respect for yourself.

Everyone know that if you wanna score with kids from Missouri, no is better than Drake.

Getting repeatedly kicked in the dick, but getting up every time crying and dancing to fight song. That’s the dream.

This ain’t it friend. This won’t save you.

@connolly.house.gov call Elon to the floor. Let us know where he’ll be. Do something you old fuck.

***SHOCKING*** AOC tweeted “A lot of our hockey players hated America and didn’t behave well during the tournament. Maga = failure. Way to go boys, the US is going to hell” terrible.

J.R.R. Tolkien was a time traveling freak. He was trying to get Rohan to give him a blow-Han from Lohan.

More like the tortured punters department. Ammirite?

If U and I started a strip club it should be called diphthong.

Gremlins. Tag yourself. That’s me.

The world is burning and dorks are holding the matches. Bullying is bad; but fuck. It isn’t as bad as this.

Say what you will about the Greeks; and I will because I’m an adult, but they got it right. There should be someone right beside Elon just roasting his ass. “You ran every family away because you’re an asshole. Your penis is weird.” Shit like that.

The most realistic scene in any movie ever… a 🧵

Clarance Thomas at 10572 Clifton Ave demands that billionaires money isn’t real in the eyes of the irs. Unless it’s paying for his new boat.

If Christmas carols have taught me anything, it’s that if you’re going to cook a holy infant you have to go tender and mild. Too many spices will ruin the meat.

Sacco and Vanzetti walked so Luigi Mangione could Citibike.

God damn it. It’s a milkshake duck. Of course he wasn’t some leftist crusader.

B6 completed their card. These old fucks are off to Eldamar. Just kidding. They’re gonna live for 20 more years and ruin the economy.

Trees literally talk to each other. It’s science. We elected Trump. Quit fucking up trees. No wonder you get cut down. Talk to someone else. Selfish.

I imagine a janitors bucket list is way different.

If we karate fight; awesome. If you try to kkkarate fight; you racist. Fuck you.

Achilles is my emo great grandfather.

Diomedes is cooler than Achilles. Fight me like three other people on the planet.

Enikidu is just a friend. I don’t even care about high walled Uruk. JUST. A. FRIEND.

Spiders are girls. That’s just a fact. You mean to tell me we’re going to listen to EB White about the elements of style and not spider physiology? Fuck you.

Boyz II Men to senior citizens are about to give the old folks homes all the herpes. We old. But them four boys fuck for real.

They call me big top cause of this pole Leave em like Ursula screaming poor unfortunate hole

I get everyone is trying to make gritty reboots, but this napoleon dynamite prequel is fucking weird.

They should weekend at Bernie’s that piece of shit’s corpse into mar a lago.

The only doctor I trust with my family’s methamphetamine needs.

Is the pope on here? Tell him I got beef. How come you haven’t blessed these titties?

Got to kiss a lot of klan hooded frogs to find your racist prince in the House of Representatives. But they found their cracker.

Does anyone know where I can get the outfit Cher wore in the “If I could turn back time” video? Fixing’ to turn up for Halloween.

I did it. I got in. First time I’ve felt cool since right before that bucket of pigs blood landed on me at prom.