fuck them airport fries man, I didn't know fucking up fries like that was even possible

today's one was diabolical, first it made me experience something that would hurt me the most while making it feel unquestionably real, followed by a nightmare I'm pretty sure I've already had in the past 😭 just woke up and I feel like crying

can my mind cooperate for once and not make me experience the thing's I'm so desperately trying to heal from over and over and over again in my dreams PLEASE

most of my calorie intake be coming from alcohol these days 😭

plateau 👎🏻

my pants just fell off my ass 😭 luckily not in public but damn -_-

therapy in 8 minutes I'm so nervous this is the 2nd time I'll be seeing her, I have so much to talk about it's been difficult to only choose one thing to focus on

I FINALLY HAVE A 5 IN THE FRONT 59KG ITS SO OVER FOR ALL OF YOU

I've been cleaning all day today so far and I'm so happy about it, my room was such a mess and needed some decluttering

y'all ever stretch so hard you nearly pass out? the morning stretches go hard until my vision goes black

being an alter based on a "divine being" is so annoying, I don't even feel real most of the time I just feel like an oc even though deep down I know I'm not. it makes me feel inferior yet also gives me a massive ego, I wish I could just live without it like a normal person.

the scale is telling me I gained sm over the past 3 days but I havent been eating much ;-;

halfway through my ice cream I stopped wanting to eat it yet I still did because I wanted the stupid wooden stick to chew on like I'm some beaver fml

after months of putting it off I finally decided to go see a therapist again, my appointment is tomorrow. I'm stressed but also hopeful, maybe she wont be that bad

currenrly eating while I'm waiting for my food to be ready, feeling so fat 💀💀

I wonder how many steps I take just pacing around my room for 1-3 hours straight nearly everyday

I'm all alone today and I'm feeling so bored, I've got no one to talk to T_T

I made a backup account guyz, go follow if you wanna : ) @weeping-garden0.bsky.social

I don't feel disordered enough to be here. It's not like I want to be deathly skinny or self destruct, my ugw is within the healthy range for my height and I want to look healthy... my relationship with food is still fucked up and I struggle with mental health but I constantly feel not sick enough

I'm getting close to my ugw, I'll reach it in the near future... but then what? All my teenage years revolved around losing weight and gaining it back and then some. Now I'm pretty sure I can maintain my ugw but my disordered eating is such a big part of my life, what do I do then? #edbsky

which means I'm beginning to spiral again 🙄

yuup there we go with the sadistic thoughts again

I've finally spent some money in myself and bought something I've been wanting

I don't want to be awake yet

maan I'm gonna have to make a new intro post soon because the other one's outdated -_- I've been wanting to make a straw page but I don't think anyone will read it lol it might be fun though

weight loss is fun and all until your favorite rings start falling off : (

I've decided I'll start taking away all my gf's razors that I can find. Until now I just let them be but I feel like I'm contributing to the harm if I do nothing. Taking her razors probably isn't a very good alternative nd might lead to other problems but she said she's fine with it so we'll see 1/2

if I ever disappear from here just know that it means I'm doing better, not that I'm d34d

I fr am feeling like I'm losing touch with reality lately and I'm sad that nobody from my closest circle noticed because I hide it too well because I dont want anyone to notice lmao but it's alr guyz I'm gonna get my shit together soon

I dont really talk abt this stuff here but my alter has been getting along better with my gf lately and it's nice to see, he finally realized he can't be as ruthless with his jokes as he is with other ppl and should treat her more as a little sister (even though he's like 8 years younger lol)

soo I was actually clean for 2.5yrs not 1.5 I feel like I'm having a stroke over here bc the timelines are not matching up in my head vs reality I'm going insane

my problem with reverse body dysnorphia is that I look in the mirror and ofc I look good, tf? But I know in reality I do not and I dont know what I actually look like so I'm constantly stuck in my delulu land and have to get smaller just so others can see me that way too but it'll never be enough

I haven't taken a look at my old body check$ in foerever and omfg I was HUGE at my hw

I'm so insanely bloated, I don't think it's ever been this bad before

I don't even have words to describe the intricacy of the shitshow which had unfolded at yesterday's hangout with friends. Everything that could've gone wrong, did. Truly a once in a lifetime experience. 0/10

nuh uh I've decided I'm locked in on not letting it happen again

now I opened the gates so prepare for relapse after relapse

okay so I just relapsed...after 1,5yrs (ik I said 2,5 in one of my prev posts but it was a typo) nd I feel so bad for it... it's such a big deal for me idk what to do with myself right now

“We must stop eating!” cried Toad as he ate another.

alr I've decided to start using my real name on here because I'm fearless like that

going out for dinner with my family today but I still have yesterday's pizza in the fridge which I haven't even touched yet

okay thank you for coming to my freak show, I am done screaming into the void now xx

anyone else be thinking back on their miserable ahh memories with nostalgia thinking "those were the good times" but they absolutely were not?

I was NOT having a good time in the meantime

I miss being at the ER at 6am getting stitches

and here I was thinking I am not mentally ill

someone actually restrain me

I just know if I do it right now I will be regretting it later and it'll be easier to relapse again and again and again and the cycle will begin all over again and I will lose control, I can't go back to square one...

GUYS guys you don't get it, I want to cvt myself SO BAD right now like it's REALLY BAD OKAY idfk what I would do if it wasn't for me being 2.5yrs sober.. I would sl4sh up my whole body nd ppl wouldn't be able to recognize me. this damn I am sober app is the only thing keeping me togehter rn

Does anyone else here use Bump? if u dont know it's a scratch map, the more you explore your area, the more of the map gets scrathed off. It makes me wanna walk more. Anyways add me if you want ; ) bumpmaps.com/p/pJYgl25Zko... (if you see my irl name there no u didn't) #caterpillarsky #lemonwatersky