*Me looking at the toilet and about to flush after I really had to work hard to get a poop out*

This multi-factor authentication on my toilet is just killing me right now.

I'd never be lonely if I lived in a haunted house.

Mighty Ducks is just Air Bud for birds.

*me, hiding in the walk in pantry while a murderer stalks around my house looking for me* *Spots a packet of chips* "Oh you son of a... Don't do it... Don't do it...." *Reaches for packet of chips*

I am going to eat a magic 8-ball and absorb its powers for myself. Will drinking the blue liquid make me sick? Ask again later.

Things people say to me before I change my identity for $200, Alex "Did you see what your mother posted on Facebook today?"

My new hobby is going into restaurants and eating napkins like Ralph Fiennes eating a painting in Red Dragon.

Take out for dinner tonight. As the guy said in Sleeping Dogs "A man who never eats a pork bun is never a whole man" So I ate one

Thinking about doing a new stand up set where it's just me remembering times I said something stupid and I hold back the urge to slap myself in the head.

My phone keeps wanting to autocorrect diarrhoea to diarrhread and I guess that's what it's called when I'm popping in the library.

I think my clothes and me should swap methods in which we get cleaned. I wanna get locked in a small tumbler and thrown around with soapy water. It looks like fun!

Putting my fingers in power sockets so I can rewire my body so whenever I hit my funny bone I involuntarily do a poo.

People throw around sayings like the place is "rat infested" or the ocean is "shark infested" but I go to the supermarket and lament how "human infested" it is and suddenly I'm the bad guy here.

I like to leave little piles of breadcrumbs all over my house so that way I can leave a trail wherever I walk so if I get murdered the cops will have an easier time solving the crime.

Honey soy salmon poke bowl for tea tonight.

Magnolia flowered today. It'll look pretty for like a day and a half and then turn brown overnight. So it goes.

Finished Faxanadu on the NES today. One of my favourite games from childhood, I could never get particularly far in it as a kid, but took a solid 6-7 hours to finish it tonight. Still a great game to play even 30 odd years later!

Watching Lord of Illusions this evening. Been awhile since I saw this one!

Bean and halloumi stew for dinner tonight.

*Me pretending to already be dead so Freddy Krueger doesn't kill me and then he makes a funny joke* "Hahaha! Good one......"

*My partner reading our credit card bill looking visibly confused* *Me, trying to step in front of the 12 foot tall elephant in the corner of the room* "Hey, what's the matter?"

The bin chickens are evolving and now becoming roof chickens.

Three things are certain in this life. Death, taxes and walking in on the Bermuda Triangle kissing an airplane.

I don't think they specifically asked Michaelangelo to paint a bunch of naked dudes on the roof of the Sistine Chapel, it was just a happy little accident.

You know you're getting old when you need to sit down after letting a fart rip.

Tonight's dinner was chickpea and coriander burgers with salad and mustard.

New box of cards in

Someone recently asked me how my anxiety works and this was about the best way I could describe it. *Me, eating cheese and watching Looney Toons* Suddenly *My brain*

*Me yelling at the moon like an old man yelling at the kids to get off his lawn cause it's daytime and the moon shouldn't be out*

Tonight's dinner was gazpacho with some cheese toast.

Present to myself to open on the weekend.

It's a good thing they never filled the Trojan Horse up with toddlers, cause those fucks never stop giggling and giving themselves away when they think they have a good hiding place.

Maybe I'm just doing it wrong, but I don't actually have any daylight savings in my bank account, so I'm starting to suspect this is all a big bunch of baloney.

Beef and pineapple stir fry tonight. Got some green beans, snow peas and mint in there too with some rice.

*Me seeing a bunch of crumbs on the floor and my room mate looking around suspiciously* "You let that damn muffin man in the house again didn't you?"

School never prepared me for life living away from my parents. Did you know you can just like, eat ravioli every night and there's no one to stop you? Why the hell wouldn't they teach you this? I'd of moved out of home as a 12 year old if I knew that.

My house has exposed bricks. I didn't really want to live with an exhibitionist, but economic times are tough and you gotta pick your battles.

*me wearing a pretty dress to go to the Royal Ball to find my true love* "Which way are the sandwiches at?"

My friends always tell me not to fear rejection, the worst they can say is "no" *BuffaloHopscotch last seen running away crying from the carousel at the local fair*

I can't sleep and I'm afraid I'm gonna start eating cheese.

I prefer to step into my comfort zone thankyou very much.

I had a teacher once ask me "Have you ever considered shutting up?" and I've been thinking about it for a few decades and...no, Mr Foley, no I haven't.

People like to say "I'm here for a good time, not a long time". Well I'm here to say "I'm here for a bad time and a very long time too"

A friend was trying to show me his wife and his holiday photos. I loudly proclaimed each one was AI until he kicked me out of his house and guess who's now going to Timezone to play Time Crisis?

Saw a mouse in my house. I'm absolutely freaking furious, like beyond ropeable. There was not a tiny archway in my wall it ran in and out of. Like screw me Tom and Jerry, am I a fucking joke to you or something?

I'm going to start breaking into homes and the only thing I'll do is steal their box of random cables and cords. Now they won't have a supply of random shit just in case they need it and they'll never sleep soundly again.

If 8 year old me could see me now he'd be massively disappointed you don't have to lick envelopes anymore to get them to stick.

My greatest fear is starting my car to drive to work and finding out it's actually been cake this entire time. I just paid the dang thing off!